INTRO:
AMIR: This episode of Jake and Amir is brought to you by me, bitches!
JAKE: No more sponsorships.
[Jake and Amir are sitting at their office desks. Amir starts doing robot moves.]
JAKE: Yo Amir, you sign up for health insurance? This email says we're supposed to re-enroll.
AMIR: Uh, look at me (laughing).
JAKE: Yeah you look pretty sick. Your very gaunt.
AMIR: No I mean do I look like the type of person that checks his email?
JAKE: Well you were checking my email before.
AMIR: Yeah, well that's different!
JAKE: You need to sign up for health insurance. Do you want me to help you?
AMIR: Yeah, you can help me.. by shutting the f**k up.. Why don't you start now, and--
JAKE: Ok. Y- So you're not even polite about being dumb, right? S- You know health insurance is a good idea.
AMIR: Yeah if you plan on being sick! (laughing) Which I do not; I'm sorry.
JAKE: It's actually if you don't plan on being sick.
AMIR: ...Wat?
JAKE: Nobody plans on being sick. You get health insurance just in case.
AMIR: Nonononono, health insurance is a sucker's bet.
JAKE: Do you even know what that expression means?
AMIR: At the moment? ...Worms.
JAKE: Ok, look. Amir? You especially need health insurance. You're incredibly malnourished.
AMIR: Ha, that's not even a word!
JAKE: Yes it is.
AMIR: (hitting the table angrily) Dammit! Aw I never get it right when I guess that! I'm like 0 (pronounced O) for lifetime.
JAKE: Are you signing up yet?
AMIR: No, ok? I'm not. I have too much to think about right now, I'm sorry.
JAKE: Why? What do you have to think about?
AMIR: I'm tired, ok, I'm stressed, I'm dizzy, I stay up at night coughing, I'm sneezing all the time, I feel like I have an ear infection because my ear really really really hurts and on top of all that, every time I inhale it feels like I'm swallowing a ton of bricks, so sorry if I don't want to deal with this right now.
JAKE: It sounds like you are already really really sick and you should probably get health insurance.
(Amir sneezes blood into his hands.)
AMIR: Enough with the health insurance, ok? Please! You're obsessed!
JAKE: You just sneezed blood; are you sure you're okay?
AMIR: (starting to get dizzy) Compromise Alert. Eheh. Let's do... let me do dental with you today, and then if things go well, we shall do the full thing tomorrow, how about that? No promises though!
(Amir passes out, hitting his head on the desk.)
END.