Opening Sequence
Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Jake: That was good.
Amir: Go to hell in a handbasket.
Episode
(Jake and Amir are trying to lift a dresser)
Jake: Alright, one, two, three—
Amir: Two, three, four, five, six, seven—
Jake: One two three lift!
Amir: Okay, yeah yeah.
Jake: Okay? One two three—
Amir: (Letting go of the dresser) Lift! You said lift with your legs.
Jake: I specifically didn't say that because I knew it would confuse you.
Amir: Well it did.
(Amir is sitting on the dresser)
Amir: Alright new plan, I sit on here, but I inspire you to lift more than you ever thought possible.
Jake: Why don't you just get off.
Amir: Okay, done.
Jake: You're still on.
Amir: Well I'm pretty high up, bro! I don't know if I can... (Tries to ease himself off, as if he's really high off the ground) One
second. ONE SECOND!
(Jake and Amir are carrying the dresser along)
Amir: Hey maybe we should take out the drawers, it'll be a little lighter?
Jake: That's actually a pretty good idea.
Amir: Okay I was kidding f**ker, keep moving.
(Amir is on the floor and Jake is removing one of the drawers)
Amir: Ahh I got a splinter!
Jake: You're not even near the dresser.
Amir: I got it up from the carpet.
(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is playing a guitar)
Amir: (Singing) Fix everything by just being here.
Jake: So you're done helping?
Amir: I am helping, in a different way.
Jake: You're the one that said this needed to be out of here by 5 PM if we wanted to throw it away.
Amir: (Singing) Fine.
Jake: Fine. Put the guitar down.
Amir: (Singing) Okay.
Jake: Now.
Amir: (Singing) Sure. (Not singing) Last minute?
Jake: Down.
Amir: Okay.
(Both are carrying the dresser)
Amir: Woah, nice shirt cowboy. I wish I knew how to quit you.
Jake: Are you gay, man?
Amir: What?
Jake: I just—I gotta ask.
Amir: I don't even remember what I said, let alone what gay means.
(Back to the scene where Jake is removing a drawer and Amir has a splinter from the carpet)
Amir: (Holding up his finger) Come kiss it.
(Amir is lying under the dresser)
Amir: Woah! Little help? Little help?
Jake: You said you could benchpress it.
Amir: Yeah, I can, okay? With a little help. So... little help?
(Both are carrying the dresser)
Amir: Ah, dude, you owe me so big for this.
Jake: You're the one that asked me to help you.
Amir: I knew you'd throw that back in my face, that is so like you.
Jake: Not throwing anything in your face—
(Amir shoves the dresser into Jake so it hits his crotch)
Amir: C'mon. C'mon! I was kidding. I was kidding!
(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is walking in front of him)
Amir: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Try to touch my hands. Try to—
Jake: It's not helping!
Amir: Okay but is it hurting?
Jake: Y—yes!
(Amir kicks the dresser into Jake's crotch again)
(Amir is under the dresser again)
Jake: I leave for a second, you try to benchpress it again.
Amir: No. Oh my god it feels like my nose is bleeding, even though I know it's not.
Jake: Uh no, it just started.
Amir: Yeah, a lot.
Jake: Yeah, wow.
(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is coming in holding and eating a pizza)
Amir: Hey hey hey, sorry sorry sorry. (Bites a pizza slice) Sorry sorry sorry. There's—
Jake: What are you—?
Amir: (Spits out the pizza) There's free pizza in the kitchen. So. Well, there was free pizza.
Jake: Come on!
Amir: Alright. (Moves to help pick up the dresser) Ready ready ready?
Jake: Swallow it first at least.
(Jake puts the dresser down at the elevator)
Amir: And donesauce.
Pat: Woah, woah! What are you guys doing with my dad's antique dresser?
Amir: Woah, woah. You just got punked my Jake and Amir, BITCH! Jake, run!
Jake: No.