Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
Amir: Please RSVP.
Jake: For what?
Amir: Anything. I don't know.
[Jake and Amir are in Las Vegas to interview the cast of the show 2 Months 2 Million.]
Jake: (to camera) Hey, we're Jake and Amir [Amir holds up a gang sign, when Jake puts Amir's arm down.]; we're here with the cast of 2 Months 2 Million. (gesturing) We have Jay, Emil, Brian, and Dani... and wanna ask them a little bit about the show.. Could you just tell us about—about the show?
Brian: Sure, the show...
Amir: (whispering to Jake) (inaudible) for a second. [Amir gets up.]
Jake: (to Amir) Don't.
Brian: Basically, the four of us, um, you know, we're all poker pros.
Jake: Okay.
Brian: Uh, every summer, we come out to Vegas.
Dani: (gesturing to Amir) What—what is he doing?
Jake: He's.. he's fine. He's just taking a walk.. place.
[Amir knocks over a water bottle, picks it up, and hesitates to drink it.]
Brian: Yeah, so we come to Vegas for the World Series of Poker; every year, we rent a house. You know, we're like two-months-a-year roommates.
Dani: So let me know (inaudible).
Brian: So it's just documenting our lifestyles, you know, in Vegas every summer. You know, we play poker; we party.
Amir: (approaching computer, laughs) Tell me about it.
Brian: Yup. (inaudible)
Emil: G4 has decided that the world must see what goes on here.
Brian: Yeah, you know, you wanna...
Jake: Nice. Have—Have any of you guys ever hit a royal flush? [Cast laughs.] Does that happen?
[Amir meanwhile tries to play online poker and attempts to place a bet by getting a dollar bill out of his wallet and placing it on the computer screen.]
Brian: I'd say the most—who—how many royal flushes have you hit in your life, Jay? Just guess.
Jay: I don't know, three.
Jake: Three?
Jay: Three or four.
Brian: Three?
Jake: How—how many poker hands—how many hands of poker do you think you've flipped?
Brian: I think I had a royal flush probably twenty-five times, thirty times.
Dani: We probably all played over a million hits of poker (inaudible).
Jake: Oh my gosh.
Amir: (playing, to crew and Jake) I'm in.
?: Nice (inaudible).
?: I bet—I bet a million dollars.
?: What—What's he doing on Dani's computer?
Jake: He's not on Dani's computer; he's—I think he's checking his email. He's fine. Hey! Me, me, me, me. (snaps)
?: Yup.
Jake: We only have a few minutes for the interview, so come on now. Focus. (claps)
Amir: (playing) I'm all in, yo.
Jake: High school. Royal flushes.
?: Royal flushes.
Jay: Royal flushes.
Amir: (playing) Oh sheesh.
Jay: The second time I hit a royal flush I yelled really loud.
Amir: (playing) I am down... Can—Gotta win it back.
Jay: (inaudible) hit a royal flush?
[I absolutely cannot piece together a thing they're saying. Something about a cure?]
Jay: Because it normally made me (inaudible).
Brian: (inaudible)
Jay: And I'm not gonna (inaudible).
Jake: Oh. Gee.
Amir: Yo, I gots to win it back. I'm down.. one-zero, come on. Zero, zero, zero...
Jay: If you reenact the screen that you (inaudible).
[Dani peers over to Amir.]
Jake: Hey, Dani, Dani, Dani! Dani?
Amir: I'm all in (inaudible). (mimicing) Dani, Dani, Dani.
Jake: Not you, all right—he's fine. Uh, let's—w—
Amir: I'm all in, yo.
Jake: You don't—no, you're not.
Amir: I'm all in (inaudible).
Jake: He's not—He's not even in anything.
Emil: Is he playing poker?
Jake: He's not playing poker. He's—
Dani: Is he playing on my account?
Jake: No, no, no, he has his own—it's not even poker. It's fine.
?: (inaudible)
Amir: Whoa... (watches the money go)
Jake: Okay, no, he's—yeah.
Amir: Yeah...
Jake: Uh.. Giancarlo, this isn't going to work. Um—
Amir: Hey.
Jake: I can't—I can't interview them like this, you know?
Amir: I'm almost done.
Jake: No, you're—you are done.
Amir: I got...
Jake: (gets up to get Amir) Yes, uh... We're just gonna go. We're just gonna go. (grabs Amir to leave)
Amir: No, no, no—
Jake: Come on!
Amir: Hey! I have to win that back—I have to win the money back.
Jake: N-no, you don't! You don't, you don't...
Amir: I'm down, like, ten zeros!
Jake: Get it—
Amir: Get off of me!
Jake: It's fine.
[Crew laughs.]
Jay: That was the weirdest interview!
Jake: (still hurrying out) You lost all their money; you stole—
Amir: I didn't (inaudible).
Jake: You lost a lot of money.
Amir: Hey, relax, okay? We're all.. friends or whatever here. (laughs)
[Shot moves back to game room.]
Dani: Holy shit. He was playing on my account.
?: No, he wasn't!
?: No!
?: You were logged in?
?: No way!
?: You were logged in?
[Shot of Jake and Amir sprinting out, and then back to game room.]
Brian: What just happened?
Dani: I don't know. [Brian laughs.]
Brian: And I still got all these empty tables, and everyone else has a lot of money.
[Shot moves to Jake forcing Amir outside house.]
Amir: You're really hurting my neck!
Jake: I don't care. (inaudible)
Amir: (stops in tracks) Hey, w-w-wait.
Jake: What?
Amir: I left my wallet.
Jake: What do you have in your wallet that's worth it?
Amir: I have, I don't know, s—probably six Pogs, a Connect Four thing, I don't know.. a Coke bottle tab!
Jake: Okay. (grabs Amir) Okay, it doesn't really matter—
Amir: Leron's gonna rip me a new one, please! Just—I'm not—
Jake: They're going to murder you. You—
Amir: I'm not afraid of little poker players, okay? Relax.
[Shot cuts to Jake waiting for Amir, when he arrives appearing disheveled.]
Amir: (giggles) Got my wallet.
Jake: Oh my god.
Amir: Yeah, it's an n-big-d. (grabs Amir to inspect injury) Uh, they were nice guys.
Jake: Yeah, your back is bleeding.
Amir: Yeah, I'm feeling light-headed; I'm gonna sit down for a second.
[Jake helps to lower Amir down to the ground.]
Jake: Okay.
Amir: Okay.
Jake: You're okay.
Amir: I'm okay.
Jake: You're okay.
Amir: I'm okay.
Jake: You're okay.
Amir: I'm okay.
Jake: Oh...
Amir: Oh...
THE END
NOTES: Evidently, I know next to nothing about poker so I may have missed out on some lingo. I also am not completely familiar with all the guys' voices so some names may not be right when someone's talking off-screen. There were a ton of inaudible things I just couldn't put together so if y'all could help, that would be awesome comploodle. Be as nitpicky as possible. :P Oh, and a huge congratulations to the cumulative and collaborative effort of this subreddit to have now officially transcribed every single Jake and Amir video ever. Oh sheesh y'all.