INTRO:
JAKE: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Buy my cordless phone on eBay, y'all.
JAKE: What?
[Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks.]
(Streeter comes over to Amir and leans on his desk.)
STREETER: Sup, man?
AMIR: Hey.
STREETER: Hey, uh, can you check with the illustrator, make sure the artwork's done for the weekend?
AMIR: Yeah, definitely.
STREETER: Awesome, thanks. (He smacks Amir on the shoulder. Amir flinches in pain.)
JAKE: Wow. You're just gonna let him talk to you like that?
AMIR: Pshh, no! I don't let anybody talk to me, like any way, ever.
JAKE: So you've never talked to anybody?
(Amir smiles, as if saying heheh. ya got me.)
JAKE: You know what I would do if I were you?
AMIR: Develop a secret handshake with me.
JAKE: I'd march right into Ricky's office, and make him choose.
AMIR: Great idea! (He gets up and starts walking to Ricky's office, smiling largely.)
JAKE: I didn't finish.
AMIR: Right. (he turns around and continues the conversation, standing up now.)
JAKE: You make him choose: you, or Streeter.
AMIR: Me. (as though Jake had asked him to choose)
JAKE: Him choose.
(Amir does the smile)
JAKE: Hey, if he even hesitates, if he's like um I don't really know, I guess you, then f*** him! You wanna work under a guy who's not SURE (bangs his fist on the table) who his favorite employee is? No, you don't! You don't deserve that! Do you think you deserve that?
AMIR: Yah! I deserve-, everything!
JAKE: No, you don't deserve that.
AMIR: You're right. I don't deserve anything.
JAKE: You deserve some stuff.
AMIR: Right. Sure.
JAKE: Okay, practice on me.
AMIR: Ricky: choose: me or Sweeter
JAKE: (correcting Amir) Streeter.
AMIR: Streeter.
JAKE: Ooh, I dunno, I guess, uh--and then you cut me off, cuz you just f***ing quit!
AMIR: (exhales) I'm ready.
JAKE: You know what man? F*** Ricky, for even making you ask the question.
AMIR: (exasperated) Okay will you just tell me what to do because I don't GET IT anymore!
JAKE: (leaning back in his chair) March your ass in there and quit!
AMIR: Done!
(The video cuts to a black screen with text that says FOUR HOURS LATER.)
[Amir is putting things from his desk into a cardboard box. Jake is leaning back in his chair, stretching his arm over his chest.]
JAKE: Hey how'd it go?
AMIR: Um... poorly. So.
JAKE: Ooogh. I'm sorry to hear that man.
AMIR: Yeah, I mean, at least I got more money out of it, plus he begged me to stay, so it's not so bad.
JAKE: Yeah well I guess I'm really--...What?
AMIR: Yeah, he said it would cost more money to like find a replacement, so he just doubled my salary. Sorry I didn't get to quit like you told me.
JAKE: Why are you putting your stuff in a box?
AMIR: (mockingly, as though it's obvious) Because I have money now, I can just buy new stuff.
(Jake looks at Amir, stunned at his stupidity.)
AMIR: Jake I'm richer than you.
Jake. (quietly) ...k...
AMIR: Call me Richard. (he does the smile)
END.