(guitar playing, badly)
AMIR: You're watching Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Wow, really bad.
AMIR: (sad) I know!
JEFF: So right off the bat you can see this isn't like a traditional all-American board game.
AMIR: So right off the bat--ninja star!
JAKE: Right off the bat, pick that up.
AMIR: Right off the bat, you're just trying to act cool in front of Jeff.
(jump scene)
JEFF: Now if you build a settlement on one of these ports--
AMIR: Ah, sorry, one second, I was texting. I--I wasn't listening.
JAKE: You can't even spell. How were you texting?
AMIR: Okay, it's very hard. Thanks for calling me out on it.
(jump scene)
JEFF: And we are ready to settle Catan!
AMIR: Shut the FU--
(jump scene)
JEFF: Okay, just pick a color.
JAKE: Uh, green.
AMIR: I'll be green too. Jake and I are on the same team.
JAKE: No we're not.
AMIR: Well, if you wanna be green, then yeah we are.
JAKE: I'll be white.
AMIR: I'll be white too.
(jump scene)
AMIR: Ooh, can I be the banker?
JEFF: Actually, there is no money in Catan. Instead you barter with resources like wood, wheat, ore, sheep, or clay. (pause) Are you masterbating right now?
(jump scene)
JEFF: So if you roll a seven, you get to--
AMIR: Hold on a second. Uh, Jake, you are amazing and I appreciate you a lot.
JAKE: Thanks. Good compliment.
AMIR: Sure. Uh, you're perfect in every way, and I wouldn't change anything about you. Jeff, continue explaining--
JAKE: Alright, no more compliments from you.
AMIR: Sure.
JEFF: You guys good?
AMIR: Yeah, yeah, he's great.
(jump scene)
JAKE: Oh, just got a text from Amir. 'Garllln'. Question mark.
AMIR: Okay, that was a typo, it was supposed to be an exclamation point. I was excited.
(jump scene)
AMIR: I'm on a boat and, I'm on a boat and, I'm on a boat--
JAKE: That's a piece from Sorry!. And those weren't the lyrics.
AMIR: Sorry, I'm having a hard time figuring out which one of these are houses and which one of these are candies.
JAKE: Oh, there's a simple rule for that. If it's made of wood, it's a house, and nothing on the table is candy.
AMIR: Right right right. My teeth hurt.
(jump scene)
AMIR: All right, this move's a real game changer, so watch out!
(pulls out balance ball and throws it on table, scattering the pieces)
JEFF: Hey!
AMIR: (flips the board) Don't act like you didn't expect that to happen.
COLLEGE HUMOR