Sam: (announcer voice) This episode of Jake and Amir—who are you?
Jake: Who are you?
[Jake is carrying a mug into the kitchen when Amir walks into him with an oxygen mask and hood on, startling Jake.]
Amir: We're dead.
Jake: Okay...
Amir: (taking off hood and mask) I don't think you heard me; I said... We're goners.
Jake: Actually, you said we were dead.
Amir: So you did hear me...
Jake: You're the one who said I didn't.
Amir: Right.. OH, what does it matter? I've got swim flu...
Jake: Swine flu.
Amir: Wine flu...
Jake: I was right with swine flu.
Amir: Sure.
Jake: Why do you think you have it?
Amir: I may or may not have open-mouth French kissed a pig snout while he sneezed into my mouth.
Jake: Okay, so you might actually have it.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: I guess, why did you that?
Amir: I don't know, I was just—I guess I was watching the news and falling asleep, and they're like Salads are good for you! or This is bad for you! and This is salads are good—I don't know, I guess I mixed it up because I haven't had a salad since and [Jake: (listening) Okay.]—WHAT DOES IT MATTER, I'm gonna die!
Jake: Yeah, you might die. [Amir sighs.] And where did you get a pig?
Amir: Leron has one.
Jake: Your cousin had a pig?
Amir: Well, no... He—I don't know, I don't think so...
Jake: You just said he did.
Amir: Yeah... ugh.
Jake: Okay, tell me exactly what happened.
Amir: All right, I was sitting down, eating a sandwich...
Jake: Don't lie to me about anything.
Amir: OKAY, I was standing up, eating a sleeve of wafer cones, Mom.
Jake: So you lied to me about standing?
Amir: Sure. And then, I don't know, I fell asleep, and then I woke up, and somewhere in the middle I guess I fucked a pig.
Jake: You fucked a pig, or you made out with a pig?
Amir: I know, I'm just thinking worst-case scenario here.
Jake: The worst-case scenario: You're already dead.
Amir: Oh.. my god. So, well, we're hanging out, so this might be Heaven.
Jake: Ooh, or Hell.
Amir: Okay, quick little test: If we are dead [Jake: (responding) A test...], then, I can't KILL MYSELF right now! [Amir grabs knife to wrists.]
Jake: OH MY G—
THE END