INTRO: Amir - Hi, and welcome to your worst nightmares, britches.
Jake - I think you mean bitches.
Amir - Whatever.
AMIR: Hey Jake, check it out. (singsong) It's my dick in a box!
JAKE: (smacks the box away) ...
AMIR: Oh, my god!! What the heck is your problem?!
JAKE: Put your dick away, man!
AMIR: OK, it was away. It was in a box.
JAKE: My brother is going to be here, any second, and I really--
(Kumail sneaks up behind Jake and covers his eyes)
KUMAIL: Guess who?
AMIR: I don't know who you are, so I can't guess, right?
JAKE: That's what guessing is. Kumail!
KUMAIL: What's up, brother? Oh, my god. You must be Amir. I've heard a lot about you!
AMIR: Well, I've heard nothing about you.
JAKE: That's because I haven't seen Kumail, in like what, 13 years!
AMIR: Ho-oh, really? You haven't seen each other since you were negative four then?
KUMAIL: (chuckles) You were right, he can't even do basic math.
JAKE: Or talk.
AMIR: (gibberish)
JAKE: OK, I'm going to go to the bathroom man, and when I get back, we have checking up to do.
KUMAIL: Yeah we do! (Jake leaves, Kumail stares at Amir deadpan)
AMIR: So . . .
KUMAIL: Shut the fuck up and help me find his pay stubs!
AMIR: Pay stubs? (an orange is thrown at Amir) God! Uh, he keeps them in Connecticut, in his house, in a safe.
KUMAIL: Really? Darn. Because I found a bunch of them right here.
AMIR: Oh.
KUMAIL: Now I know you're a liar.
AMIR: Uh.
KUMAIL: This is not good for you.
AMIR: Yeah. I have to call Jake, I totally forgot but I have to call--
KUMAIL: Give me that.
(Kumail grabs Amirs cell and throws it against the wall; Jake enters)
JAKE: Hey Kumail, you ready to roll?
KUMAIL: Yeah, sure thing! This dude just threw his cell phone against the wall. (laughs)
JAKE: Again?
AMIR: No.
JAKE: God, you're stupid man.
AMIR: Jake. Dinner tonight. Right now! Trust me.
JAKE: Sure, yeah (beat) because, did you know that Amir is the last person on earth?
KUMAIL: Really? The very last person on earth?
JAKE: Yeah, that's the only reason I'd ever ditch dinner with you and have dinner with him.
AMIR: No, I'm not--
KUMAIL: Zing!
JAKE: Later, dude.
KUMAIL: (ominously) Later, dude.
(Jake and Kumail leave, Josh enters)
AMIR: (sighs)
JOSH: You gotta stop doing this, man.
AMIR: OK, I didn't throw THROW THAT! This time. Sorry. Uh, I shouldn't yell. OK, just, uh, so frustrating.
JOSH: Your dick is out.
AMIR: I know.
THE END.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0dRIXMw39E