Intro:
Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy.
Jake: That's half right.
Amir: I'm Jake.
Jake: So totally wrong.
Office:
Amir: Hey Pat you're a dummy ass, so. Did you hear that?
Jake: You were just mean to Pat.
Amir: Mean to him? I was insulting him.
Jake: So yes.
Amir: Yeah, definitely, yes, of course!
Jake: I guess why?
Amir: We're all basically on a level playing field, right? So I make people feel worse about themselves, suddenly 'hey, this is pretty neat, I'm like a good guy all of a sudden' I feel better about myself when I put other people down. It like masks my insecurities.
Jake: I'm depressed that you get it, yet you still wanna do it.
Amir: Dinner tonight?
Jake: No.
Amir: Can't, either, me neither., so...Jake and now you ask me why.
Jake: I'm not curious.
Amir: Good question.
Jake: Didn't ask a question.
Amir: I'm doing the Master's Cleanse.
Jake: That's like, where you only drink water for a week?
Amir: No no, that's the Master's Cleanse.
Jake: That's what you said.
Amir: Yeah. I'm doing the Master's Master Cleanse. Which is nothing. No food, no water, for masters, by masters, four masters.
Jake: So you're not gonna drink anything or eat anything for a week?
Amir: No, no, no, no, no. Sorry. Two weeks.
Jake: But I was right about not eating or drinking anything?
Amir: Yes, correct.
Jake: Yes.
Amir: Yes.
Jake: Yes.
Amir: Yes.
Jake: Why?
Amir: I've been eating unhealthy, right, for like ever, always. Yeah forever. Yeah yeah. So like, now I don't eat anything for 21 days.
Jake: Sounds like three weeks.
Amir: Right. And all of a sudden, hey! I'm in ship shape now, I'm completely healthy, I'm cleansed. And I can re-introduce all the bad stuff that I've been eating, only make it worse. Suddenly my options are more limitless, like I can have bacon fat, or butter fat, or carrot sticks DIPPED in milk, DIPPED-
Jake: Shut up!
Amir: Ok.
Jake: I mean you're not gonna be able to keep that up.
Amir: Keep on hating, J. Witz, because what you say strengthens my resolve. Thanks for making me a fighter.
Jake: That's Christina Aguilera lyrics
Amir: Nah.
Jake: Yeah. I mean you're eating a bag of chips right now.
Amir: I was starving!