CHTV INTRO
[Jake, Amir, and The Lonely Island (Andy Samberg, Akiva "Kiv" Schaffer, and Jorma "Jorm" Taccone) are sitting in a room.]
JAKE: It's and honor to be here, with The Lonely Island,...
AMIR: And likewise, it's an honor for you guys to be with us, right?
KIV: Uh, not as much.
JAKE: Well, that's not, how.. Anyway. Uh, tell us a little bit about the album. How long has it been, like, in the works.
ANDY: Um, I mean... in a lot of ways, since the day we were born, right?
JORM: Yeah.
ANDY: I mean, some say destiny.
KIV: In a more accurate way I would say, like, this summer.
ANDY: Yeah, pretty m- this summer.
KIV: (inaudible) ..this summer.
AMIR: Uh, the Beatles, uh Beastie Boys, uh Busta Rhymes... what do these guys have in common? It's...
JAKE: The "B".
AMIR: ...four.
JAKE: The--
AMIR: The-- four. They all had four different people. You guys have three.
ANDY: Mmhmm.
AMIR: Which is close. Like, how do you guys envision getting to that next, the fourth person, and--
KIV: Wait, the Beatles--
AMIR: The Beatles,
KIV: and Busta Rhymes,
AMIR: The Busta Rhymes, and the Beastie Boys.
KIV: and Beastie Boys all had four people?--
ANDY: There's a band called "the Busta Rhymes"?
AMIR: What would I need to do to throw my name into that mix, like what would you need to know about me?
ANDY: Um, I mean you'd probably have to become very independently successful, right?
AMIR: Sure.
ANDY: Like in a Busta Rhymes kind of a way.
AMIR: Like more than I already am?
JAKE: There's three of you guys.
JORM: That's true.
JAKE: And uh, most of your songs have two--kind of--two people? So how do you decide which one of you guys are gonna pair up?
JORM: Whoever leaves the room is not in the song.
ANDY: Certainly can't go in vacation.--
JAKE: (pointing to the floor) This room right here?
ANDY: (looks up) Yup.
JORM: No if you go on vacation then you get left and you don't get to go on a fuckin' boat ride.
JAKE: Is that what happened?
JORM: Yeah.
JAKE: Really?
AMIR: You went on vacation?
JORM: But I'm not upset about it.
AMIR: I'm interested in freestyle rap battling one of you guys. Is that-- do you think that's doable?
JORM: Well we don't--.
ANDY: We could do your half...
AMIR: Okay
ANDY: And then, we would.. not do our half.
AMIR: I could do both.
AMIR: (rapping) Yo, nice blue jacket, mofo, ey, it's not time to wear that no mo, it's like 1999 up in this house, your glasses are whack and you not wearing any. (speaking) So let's switch.
(Amir and Jorm get up to switch places)
AMIR: That was a bit out of beat.
KIV: Yeah, it was really good.
AMIR: Ok.
ANDY: And we'll add me in post, right?
JORM: You just went raw dog.
AMIR: (rapping, Andy providing rap gestures) Yo, whatchu talkin about our jacket, MC, that's not how it is, that's not how it be,--
ANDY: (rapping) Yeah Jorm!
AMIR: Yeah Jorm, you understand that you're sittin next to my.. old.. best friend--
ANDY: No, you're Jorm.
AMIR: Ok. Ahh shee--
[Amir and Jorm have switched places back to how it was originally]
ANDY: You know, when we first entered into this I thought it was just gonna be really casual, and then shit just got really heated.
AMIR: Yeah.
ANDY: It was like we were in the movie "8 Mile".
JAKE: So one of my-- one of my favorite songs come from-- comes from "Please Incredibad, Don't Hurt 'Em".
ANDY: Nice
JAKE: Uh, was that an official album?
ANDY and KIV: No
JORM: No, it was not, no. It was more of a web- web--
ANDY: We almost called "Incredibad" "Please Incredibad, Don't Hurt 'Em", but then we called ourselves "The Lonely Island", so we just called the album "Incredibad".
JORM: And also han--
AMIR: (rapping loudly) Five o'clock in the morning, I hear the phone ringing (points to Jorm)
JORM: ...Yo wuddup Dunn.
AMIR: Whaddup son, sorry boy you sleeping?
ANDY: (referring to Kiv) He's not gonna--
KIV: No..
AMIR: (rapping) Just finished reading this ill-ass novel...
JORM: (unenthusiastically) Not the one about the girl who left her family back in Kabul
AMIR: (butting in) family up in-- A little louder. Cuz I dunno, like--
JORM: The skill-set that you're bringing to the table is rap, right?
AMIR: Yeah.
JORM: K I'm just.. ok.
AMIR: Ok, so.
(Amir laughs)
KIV: I mean, I can't speak for the group, but from my perspective you're in.
AMIR: Okay.
JAKE: Jesus.
AMIR: So that's one. And then if I'm in that's two. So, it's like fifty-fifty at this point.
ANDY: Right. So it's a tie.
AMIR: Down the road, I join the group.
JAKE: I wanna--.
AMIR: Whatever, ok, that.. becomes a thing.
ANDY: Right.
AMIR: Let's say I start feuding with Jorm over here.
ANDY: Right.
KIV: Sure.
AMIR: We start fighting, it's obviously, it's not gonna happen with me and Jorm. We kick Jorm out...
ANDY: Right
KIV: Sure
AMIR: We're down to three again, which is fine...
ANDY: We need a fourth.
JAKE: You said we needed--.
AMIR: We needed a fourth, but we realized four might have been too many, once I joined the group.
KIV: We've learned our lesson, we're--.
JAKE: Ok.
AMIR: My question is, do we still need that fourth? And if so... (points to Jake) my guy right here.
ANDY: Mmhmm.
KIV: Hmm.
ANDY: I have a-- I think we bring him on...
AMIR: Ok
ANDY: ...but then we also ditch me.
AMIR: Sure.
ANDY: So then it's you guys and Kiv.
AMIR: Ok.
KIV: I'd like that.
ANDY: That sounds.. that'll be--
JORM: That sounds like a group.
[Jorm and Andy are in Jake and Amir's old spots, while Jake and Amir sit on the couch with Kiv.]
ANDY: So, uh, what's next for you guys, what's next for the Lonely Island?
AMIR: (looking at his watch) Oh my God, I am so so sorry we gotta wrap things up, right? Cuz we have-- we're getting like lots of people coming in and out all the time.
JORM: That's understandable.
ANDY: That's cool.
(Jorm and Andy get up to shake Jake and Amir's hands)
JORM: Hey, nice to meet you guys.
ANDY: Hey thanks.
JAKE: (shaking Andy's hand) Nice to meet you
(Amir avoids shaking Jorm's hand by reaching over to pick up a piece of melon with the tongs, then puts it in his mouth)
JORM: (walking out of the room with Andy) Ok, um, thanks guys.
AMIR: (with the piece of melon in his mouth) Byebye.
JORM: How do you get out? ok
KIV: (to Amir) Assholes.
AMIR: Huge dicks, right?
END.