JAKE: Okay, you know why I called you in here?
AMIR: Because you don't know where your wallet is.
JAKE: (Reaches for wallet) No, I have - Damn it!
Amir pulls out Jake's wallet
JAKE: I want you to sign up for a dating service.
AMIR: Okay, I'm not interested, so. Let's play Snood!
JAKE: No, no, no, no. I don't care if you're interested or not, okay. I need you to leave me alone. Meet new people.
AMIR: Okay.
AMIR: Username! "JakeAndAmir".
JAKE: God, fine.
AMIR: Password. Turn around...
Jake hides his eyes with his hand.
AMIR: How do you spell your mom's maiden name?
JAKE: It's "Krick".
AMIR: (yelling) I know what it is! I wanna how to spell it.
JAKE: Well, I'll put it in.
AMIR: Okay, but close your eyes.
Jake closes his eyes while typing.
JAKE: Okay, relationship status.
AMIR: Single and ready to tingle.
JAKE: Mingle, I think you mean.
AMIR: No, no, no, I wanna get like a tingly sensation when I meet a girl. It just shows that maybe she's the one for me.
JAKE: That's kind of nice.
AMIR: AKA a boner.
JAKE: AKA a, okay.
AMIR: A bone-sauce.
JAKE: Gross.
JAKE: How often do you drink?
AMIR: Never.
JAKE: You never drink alcohol?
AMIR: Oh alc- I thought it meant water.
JAKE: Okay, your height.
AMIR: Put "two feet and nine inches".
JAKE: What?
AMIR: Because I have two feet, (wiggling his fingers, high-pitched voice) and nine inches!
JAKE: So you think your fingers are inches, but you only have nine of them.
AMIR: Yeeee-no.
JAKE: Eye color.
AMIR: Blue.
JAKE: Nope.
AMIR: Okay. Oh, I thought you said "hair".
JAKE: Still no.
AMIR: Okay. I thought you said "sky".
JAKE: Closer.
JAKE: Alright, distance you want your match to be.
AMIR: Okay, whatever, dude. Love knows no bounds, right? Like as long as they're in New York City though.
JAKE: Okay so--
AMIR: Love is- like if they're within 3 miles of me, love is boundless.
JAKE: Got it. So 3 miles.
AMIR: But, they have to be close because (hugs Jake) I'm a cuddler--
JAKE: Get--!
JAKE: Alright. Interests. What do you do for fun?
AMIR: I mean, my cousin owns a laser tag place in Queens.
JAKE: Okay, so laser tag.
AMIR: Wuwait, no. For fun, we rummage through the kids' backpacks while they're playing laser tag and we look for juice.
JAKE: ...
AMIR: Once we find the juice, we drink it.
JAKE: Stop there.
JAKE: How often do you work out?
AMIR: Never ever, ever!
JAKE: Kay, well I'll put "never" cause there's no--
AMIR: Wuwuwait. I want to imply that I never will.
JAKE: Okay, describe your education.
AMIR: K through! (pretends to shoot basketball)
JAKE: K through 12?
AMIR: No no no, I went through kindergarten and then I was through.
JAKE: What race best describes you?
AMIR: Easy. Asian, cuz, I'm good at math.
JAKE: Okay. I'm just- I'm gonna put that you're racist.
AMIR: Okay.
JAKE: Okay. I think we're done. We just need to upload a picture of you.
AMIR: Oh, yo yo yo yo, check this one out. It's my favorite picture of me.
Amir shows Jake a picture on his phone.
JAKE: Eugh.
AMIR: It's from the laser tag place.
JAKE: Yeah, you are covered in juice.
AMIR: (Laughs) Yeah, I'm still sticky.
JAKE: I smell it. I can smell it. Was that recently?
AMIR: Yeah, it was like two weeks ago. Three weeks ago.
END.