(Jake gets up from desk)
AMIR: Where are you going?
JAKE: I'm going to talk to Dan about a script I wrote.
AMIR: (getting up) Alright, I'm coming with you because I rewrote it and then I sent it off to him. Follow my lead, and never don't follow my lead.
(Dan, Jake, and Amir are sitting at table)
DAN: Cool, Caveman Frat Party. Uh, honestly, right off the bat, I like it, it's good.
AMIR: Honestly, right off the bat, no shit.
DAN: Uh... Ok.
DAN: Bottom of page one, the main character sees a McDonald's burning down in the distance and he starts to cry, and I don't get that, so I was wondering what's-
AMIR: Wow- whoa-like- what- It's the saddest thing somebody can see, so I think, like, when you cry, it's not-
JAKE: It's- it's- you can- It's cuttable, right? You can cut that.
DAN: Cuttable, so yeah, I'll- I'll cut that, then.
AMIR: Well... Ahh, Ok. Uh, that's fine. It happens again.
DAN: Yeah, it happens on every page, so I'll just-
DAN: Oh, yeah, you numbered the pages wrong, which is borderline impressive 'cause it's automated software.
AMIR: Yeah, I don't use software. I just (farting noise with mouth) write all- I do the-
DAN: So, this section (simultaneously) I felt the dialogue could be almost half the length because you can get what you're trying to say just quicker, snappier.
AMIR: (simultaneously) Yeah, yes, yes, yes, very. Aw, half the length, and then you can get it to change, just get it across and then-
JAKE: What's he talking about?
AMIR: This script.
JAKE: More specifically.
DAN: Oh, here's a thing. Uh, audience lolz go here. Guys, let's not tell the audience when to laugh, let's just write funny stuff and trust it.
AMIR: Def.
AMIR: More specifically? I don't know, he's saying that everything is long. But, that's good, and it should be longer. As lo- er- as lo- the longer the better.
JAKE: That's the opposite of what he just said.
DAN: Page 19.
JAKE: That's the exact opposite of what he said.
AMIR: So why are all good movies three hours plus, right? What, does that make sense?
JAKE: There's a lot of good, short movies.
DAN: Alright, cool, come on.
DAN: Scene directions. So here it says this shit is crazy insane.
AMIR: (interrupting , high voice) This shit is crazy insane-o.
DAN: Right.
AMIR: High pitched voice, right?
DAN: Yeah, I see that you wrote that, but what does that mean? That doesn't even...
JAKE: He drew a picture of a fireball.
AMIR: Fireball, right there.
DAN: Right, and Jake, that's the thing to generally not do.
JAKE: Well, yeah, I couldn't- I (simultaneously) couldn't agree more.
AMIR: couldn't agree less... with that.
DAN: Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. All the character names are Jake.
AMIR: Yes.
DAN: You can't name the characters Jake-
AMIR: Ok.
DAN: Because people need to know-
AMIR: We don't want to spoon-feed our audience.
DAN: I don't know if I want to do this anymore.
AMIR: I know.
DAN: As a job.
AMIR: Oh, as a job.
DAN: Will Ferrell, I doubt-
AMIR: (deep voice) Frank the Tank!
DAN: Is not gonna be in it because he's Will Ferrell.
AMIR: Yeah, well, the way I cast my characters is I- I- I aim for the moon and then I shoot myself.
DAN: You just said you're gonna shoot yourself.
AMIR: (scoffs) You're gonna let him talk to me like that.
JAKE: Yep.
AMIR: Ahh.
DAN: So a couple more things.
AMIR: Alright, you know what, you haven't stopped bitching about this script since you got here.
DAN: I'm trying to give you constructive criticism.
AMIR: Hah, yeah. More like destructive cynicism.
JAKE: How did you learn those words?
DAN: Cool, so you know what? We got a good first line, we got a good last line, I'll just take it from there.
JAKE: Just have one more crack at rewriting it.
DAN: No.
AMIR: Just give us one more-
DAN: (simultaneously) No, don't worry guys.
AMIR: (simultaneously) It's fine, we can do this. We're a dynamic team!
DAN: You know what, no, because you know what, you don't even deserve an excuse, I'm just gonna write it, 'cause it's really bad!
(Dan walks out)
AMIR: Ok? Wow. What- what crawled into his butt? Jake. (high voice) Vhat crawled into his butthole? Hm. Jake. Give me his SMS code right now, I'm gonna text him that question. Is butthole with two Bs?
THE END