[Jake, Rosie, Amir Cohen, and a woman are standing in Jake's apartment hallway, drinking some yellow beverage. Funkytown by Lipps Inc is playing in the background.]
WOMAN: Thanks for having me over, you guys, I'm having a blast.
JAKE: Yeah, it really just feels good to get away from work.
AMIR COHEN: What do you have to complain about? Your job's so easy.
JAKE: It's not so much the job--
WOMAN: You don't look stressed, though.
JAKE: Yeah, I'm feeling better now.
(Six loud knocks on the door are heard.)
ROSIE: Who is that?
JAKE: Oh I think Pat might be coming.
(Jake walks over to the door and opens it, finding Pat standing outside, looking despondent.)
JAKE: Cassels! What took you so long, man?
PAT: I'm so sorry.
JAKE: For...
(Amir sticks his head sideways out from behind the doorframe.)
AMIR: Jake!
JAKE: Oh, wow. (to Pat) You really need to learn how to defend yourself.
AMIR: (squeezing Pat's head agaist his own shoulder) He does! (walking inside) Is this shit BYO-Noug? Cuz I did nay! (falsetto)
[The woman is talking to Rosie in the hallway. Amir is talking to Jake by the doorway. Pat is standing next to them.]
AMIR: Jake, thoughts on leaving, right now.
JAKE: Nonexistent.
AMIR: WITH, me.
JAKE: Same answer.
AMIR: (slamming Pat's arm up against the wall) Cassels why don't you get us a drink!
PAT: What?
AMIR: I don't know, this.. yellow cranberry juice, just please! (Pat walks to get a drink) Bye! We're having a--
JAKE: (to Pat) Sorry.
AMIR: --conversation.
(Amir looks over and sees the woman and Rosie.)
AMIR: OUHHHG! That's the girl from your computerrrrrrrrr--
JAKE: SHHHH Shut up!
AMIR: Maybe she's deaf!
JAKE: She's def-initely not.
AMIR: Lemme go over there and talk to her, I think I can hook you up--royal.
JAKE: Don't.
AMIR: God. Lemme just talk to her for thirty seconds, guaranteed you guys'll be frenching by the end of the month.
JAKE: You will probably build me up... ...Go ahead.
AMIR: (exhales.) You won't regret this.
(Amir does the hop from Hop To It over to the woman and Rosie.)
AMIR: Hi. (small laugh)
WOMAN: Hello...
AMIR: Ah, don't bother flirting with me, this isn't about that.
WOMAN: Ok.. (looks relieved)
AMIR: Rosie, can you actually give us twenty, or thirty minutes, or, just leave entirely?
WOMAN: (to Rosie) Sorry...
ROSIE: (walking into another room) Good luck.
AMIR: Um, I think my friend has a little bit of a crush on you.
WOMAN: Which friend?
AMIR: Uh, the guy in the red. (points to Jake, who waves at Amir and the woman as they look over.)
WOMAN: Really?
AMIR: Yeah.
WOMAN: He's so cute.
JAKE: (quietly, to Pat) It's really working.
AMIR: You think so?
WOMAN: I do.
AMIR: I'm gonna bring him over here, and maybe you guys can talk.
WOMAN: Do it, yeah! Tell him, definitely.
AMIR: (about to call Jake over, but hesitates) Uhh, Oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny.
WOMAN: Is he?
AMIR: Yeah.
WOMAN: I love funny guys.
AMIR: (laughing) He's so nice and funny. Uh, today-- it's stupid, I'll oer--
WOMAN: No! Tell me, tell me. Omigod. (?) Yeah.
AMIR: (laughing) Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer,
WOMAN: Mmjm?
AMIR: ...and he was humping the monitor and high fiveing people and cracking up (laughs)
WOMAN: (dryly) Really, that sounds so funny.
AMIR: (laughing) You think so?
WOMAN: Yeah!..
AMIR: (laughing) Oh, lemme think of other jokes he did. Uhh he-- Oh! He printed out your face super big, and he cut a hole over the mouth, and he started humping it,--(cut to Jake and Pat)--(Amir is air humping) and then he cut a hole over the eye, and he was humping that too--
JAKE: She actually thinks I'm cute! She likes me!
AMIR: --Going around the office like a cowboy, huh? Still high fiveing people. (laughing) Oh my god..
WOMAN: That's.. awesome.
AMIR: (waving his hand in front of the woman's face) Can you see, by the way?
AMIR: Yeah! why--...
AMIR: He sad he'd fuck you blind. (laughing) It's so weird that you can still see--... (the woman looks away, disgusted) We should really go talk to him beca--
WOMAN: Yeah! We should! It'll be fun. Let's go!--
AMIR: --Hey--
WOMAN: --You want to?--
AMIR: --Ok. You want me to lead you there?-- (he holds his elbow out, and they link arms and walk over to Jake and Pat)
WOMAN: Yeah. Let's go!
AMIR: (laughing) Ha! Cuz you're blind..
WOMAN: That'd be so much fun.
(Amir holds two thumbs up and smiles largely as they walk over.)
AMIR: (to the woman, introducing her to Jake) Uh, you know my friend Jake, right?
WOMAN: Yeah, Jake! (to Jake) I can fucking see you, I'm not blind. (slaps him in the face and walks away.)
JAKE: K..
AMIR: ..Woww... That was awesome... (hugs Jake around the neck with one arm) MY BOY'S GETTIN FRENCHED TONIGHT!
END.