[Rosie, Jake, an unkonwn woman hitherto referred to as "BLONDIE", Kunal, and Amir Cohen are sitting on a couch, watching a basketball game.]
AMIR COHEN: Is Larry Byrd still on this team? (everyone laughs)
(Amir (Bluuemfeld) bursts through the door)
AMIR: Alright, one of you, getting up right now. Redhead or blondie. We're lookin' at you, little orphan Annie!
(Amir grabs Rosie's hair and drags him)
ROSIE: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
AMIR: Come on!
JAKE: What are you doing?
(Amir throws Rosie out and sits down on the couch, holding a bag of McDonalds)
AMIR: Ah, I shouldn't have to read your IMs to see where you're hanging out after work, should I?
JAKE: No, you shouldn't.
AMIR: Whoa, Celtics, Peestons--my favesies. (now reading from a piece of paper) The Celtics practice-(indiscernible words)-on Wednesday. So that's pretty chill.
AMIR: Technical! (pointing at the screen, getting his arm in Jake's face)
JAKE: Ahh.
AMIR: (to BLONDIE, in a patronizing tone) Sweetie, you wanna get me a beer-beer? You wanna get me a beer? Sweetheart, the boys are watching basketball.
AMIR: Does anyone want any of this? (opens Chicken McNuggets box)
KUNAL: What is it?
AMIR: (mocking his tone) "Uhh, what is it?" It's food, you stupid sand nigger--
JAKE: Ahhh! (smacks Amir's leg) Amir!
AMIR: (to BLONDIE, in a patronizing tone) They boys are watching basketball. Wanna get me a beer? Are you tired? Is that what the issue is? Are you tired? You wanna take a nap?
([Amir is sleeping on Jake's shoulder. Jake nudges him hard to wake him up.)
AMIR: (waking up suddenly) Ahh, what in- ahh what inning is-- (clears throat)
AMIR: What, you guys don't read SportsCenter? (reading from the same piece of paper as before) "It's good to be in this position, said Ray Allen, where I'm not gonna let it affect the re--
JAKE: (grabs the paper) What is that?
AMIR: Stop! It's a receipt! For a newspaper.
AMIR: (loudly, making the "time out" sign to the TV) T EM UP!
AMIR: Oh, do you guys have Jock Jams? (grabs Jake's beer and using it as a microphone) I said a boom, boom, boooom, now lemme hear ya say way-o. (holds the "mic" at the others, who don't respond)
AMIR: Nobody wants a chicken nugget. Nobody's gonna eat a single chicken nugget while I'm here, right?
AMIR COHEN: Alright I'll- I'll have one.
AMIR: Okay, great, there's a McDonald's three blocks east of here. Go there and pay for this; I told them someone was coming back.
AMIR: (making the "time out" sign again) OH COME ON, THAT'S A TECHNICAL!
JAKE: [That's a] commercial!
AMIR: Technically! Yes! Is all I'm saying! Wow!
AMIR: (singing into the beer bottle) I said a boom boom booom, now let my brotha say way-o. (holds the "mic" at the others, who don't respond) Wow, you guys are terrible.
AMIR: Does anybody here have any gum?
KUNAL: No.
AMIR COHEN: No!
AMIR: Wrong! I do. Alright? Always be thinking. Turn off the TV for a second, alright? I got ten more brain teasers for you guys.
(Amir has his wallet out; Blondie, Kunal, and Amir Cohen are all holding cash)
AMIR: Alright, twenty dollars says this next shot not only goes in from half-court, but banks in.
KUNAL: I'll take this one.
AMIR COHEN: Ah, fuck.
AMIR: (reacting to the TV) Ohh, swish from half-court! I was close! I'm down three hundred eighty dollars and I've never had this much fun.
OUTRO:
AMIR: (singing into the "mic") Girl, yo booty is so round, Lemme lick it up and down, If I cannot be with you, Let me at least have a taste, If (fumbles lyrics), And you wanna eat my face.
(Jake breaks, then all laugh)
END.