AMIR: LOL, you know what I hate?
JAKE: Parks, beaches, museums . . .
AMIR: Paying at the pump.
JAKE: (sigh)
AMIR: And Americans are doing it in record numbers.
JAKE: OK, do you even know what that means?
AMIR: What? Like, instead of cash, you pay...you pump it, or whatever.
JAKE: I don't know how Diana puts up with you.
AMIR: Diana, your cousin and my fiance.
JAKE: What?! You guys are getting married?
AMIR: What?! What did she say to you? I'm not ready to be a dad!
JAKE: She didn't say anything. You just said she was your fiance.
AMIR: Oh! (laughs) I don't know what th-I don't know what that means. Anyway, she's coming over soon for our hot date, and we may look very tired so don't mention anything, just ignore us.
JAKE: OK, I usually do.
AMIR: OK, let me finish. We look tired because (high pitched) we were up all night.
JAKE: Oh.My.God.
AMIR: (singing) All night long.
JAKE: Don't.
AMIR: Jake. We were basically all night holding each other. I'm her cuddle buddy, it's stupid.
JAKE: I guess that's better.
AMIR: All right, now shut the fuck up, I think I hear her! Remember, just to recap, we're in love and I don't steal coins from other people's desks.
JAKE: Fine.
AMIR: They should call me Mario, I jack so many coin-o's.
(Diana approaches)
AMIR: That's no coin-o's, that's no coin-o's.
JAKE: OK, now you need to shut up.
AMIR: Debatable--oh--
DIANA: Hey.
AMIR: Hey! My princess Diana, you're more alive than she'll ever be. (attempts to kiss her cheek) Still made contact, you saw that.
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: All right, I'm going to go get changed, you guys talk amongst yourselves.
DIANA: OK.
AMIR: (whispers to Jake) Be nice!
(Amir runs off to back of shot, begins struggling to dress)
DIANA: Jake.
JAKE: Jesus.
DIANA: I need you to break up with Amir for me.
JAKE: What??
DIANA: He's crazy! I can't do it myself.
AMIR: ...OWW!!
DIANA: Did you know that he only eats Chicken McNuggets?
JAKE: Yeah.
DIANA: No, I mean, only eats Chicken McNuggets. Nothing else! Not even water.
JAKE: I said 'Yeah'.
DIANA: He came to my house this weekend.
JAKE: OK, what's the big deal?
DIANA: In California. How did he even get there?!
JAKE: (sighs) I wish I knew.
DIANA: He's putting on that penguin suit right now, isn't he?
JAKE: I don't know.
AMIR: Jake.
JAKE: Look, I know he's weird, but look, Diana, you have to-you have to do this yourself, OK? He's sensitive.
DIANA: I-I can't, I'm sorry, you have to do this for me, Jake. Thanks. Lunch this weekend? (she leaves)
(Amir returns...quacking)
AMIR: Where is she? (nervous chuckle)
JAKE: Amir...
AMIR: What happened?
JAKE: I need to talk to you.
AMIR: (puts on penguin hood) What about?
TO BE CONTINUED.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlgEfa9rS_E