Jake and Amir are sat at their desks, both typing, Amir is staring at Jake

Jake: Okay, dude, sorry but you have to stop posting on Reddit

Amir: Relax, I only post cool and interesting stories, at most, one a month

Jake: You've posted thirty nine hundred times today

Amir: I said at most

Jake: Then you're using that word wrong

Amir: You're a bigger circlejerking diva than the commenters, and that's saying a lot

Jake: Right, the last thing you uploaded thirty seconds ago was a picture of the guy from Futurama with, I think this is your dick-

Amir: interrupting -it's not

Jake: photoshopped onto his forehead-

Amir: interrupting again -oh yeah it is

Jake: The text not sure if y'all commenters are a bunch of circlejerking divas or if I'm universally hated by everybody, it's the second thing

Amir: It's called a me-me

Jake: No, it's called a meme, wow y'no you also tried to start a ton of AMAs. I am a coward and a fool who's dad moved out on him not once not twelve but a dozen times, Ask me anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: My dad is a diva, ask me anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: I'll go dickless for Michael Chiklis, ask me almost anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: What is that?

Amir: AMAs, okay? Its like an interview, it stands for ask me anywh-time

Jake: Wrong. What the fuck is going dickless for Michael Chiklis?

Amir: I needed the upvotes

Jake: You never get any upvotes, you have thousands of downvotes.

Amir: It's called 'karma' Jake, and correct me if I'm wrong (laugh) but I got a lot of it

Jake: you are wrong

Amir: then correct me

Jake: what are these hundreds and hundreds of posts on /r/trees just picture after picture of you trying to light a joint, your eyebrows on fire and you're crying and smiling.

Amir: I'm an ent that needed the uptokes

Jake: okay right I see that I am high as a knife, ask me anything if this gets a thousand uptokes I won't kill myself? So sad.

Amir: How's this for sad? I was at a three when I wrote that

Jake: That is sad because that's not very high and you went to a really dark place, threatened to kill yourself in an online community where everybody hates you

Amir: Will you just uptoke it okay? I'll go dickless for Chiklis literally this afternoon if you uptoke it

Jake: I won't, because you know what? your comments on all these other posts are actually really mean, like on this-

Amir: interrupting awh, one example? give me one example

Jake: at the same time - video of a dog, are you serious, I'll give you a ton of examples, okay? like on this video of a dog squealing with joy when his soldier owner comes home

Amir: I already know what you're gonna say, okay? and just know that I did it for the lols

Jake: You did this for lols why the bitch is this on the front page? am I the only one who thinks dogs aren't cute or capable of having real emotions

Amir: yeah

Jake:if this gets downvoted I'll shut up, my dick is off for Michael Chick if this gets one more D-vote

Amir: and guess what man...

Jake: Hundreds of downvotes

Amir: really?

Jake: Yeah, do you not check, do you follow up at all?

Amir: no I never go back

Jake: You would be depressed if you went through your reddit history, okay, here's another picture posted here of the pope and the caption says prays for starving children while sitting on a golden throne.

Amir: laughs

Jake: what, you think that's funny now

Amir: (whilst Jake is talking)yeah

Jake: cause you didn't when you left this comment atheist fucks going to hell for talking smack about this God guy, bury me with downvotes if you disagree. You know, why do you, why do you ask for the downvotes?

Amir: I'm like a martyr

Jake: but if you agree, meet me at blockbuster, because we're renting rampart and then ramming each other's farts, then right under that you write Commenter above me is a philosopher, upvote him to karma heaven

Amir mock prays

Jake: Right under that you write I am the pope in this picture, ask me anything

Amir: that thread was dead

Jake: stop trying to protect yourself, you're coming up with excuses, just admit nobody on Reddit likes you

Amir: nobody likes me

Jake: This guy 'ForthewolfX' replied to you saying leave Reddit alone, love, everybody and his comment got (Amir is waving two thumbs down) thousands of upvotes

Amir: oh

Jake: and in response you decided to post a picture of Calvin trying to piss on Michael Chiklis, but there's no pee

Amir: yeah, guess why

Jake: did he go dickless-

Amir: -(interrupting at the start of the word dickless) he went dickless for him, yeah, exactly right, ask him anytime.

INTRO:
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and a-OHH AHH YOU'RE BITING ME!
AMIR: Geez, relax!
JAKE: I'm bleeding!
AMIR: (Laughs)
JAKE: What.
AMIR: Good question.
JAKE: No, do- I didn't start this conversation.
AMIR: After a year of inner turmoil, some deep reflective thought, and a lot of, um, light soul searching, I've decided to finally heed your advice and delete my reddit account, so... Salut.
JAKE: Alright man, that's great, and no, no you didn't, you posted nineteen hundred times in the last day. Most recently, two seconds ago, which means you were posting as you were lying to me.
AMIR: Sorry... what?
JAKE: You know the last thing you posted was in the subreddit Earth Porn?
AMIR: Yeah, haha! Sorry.
JAKE: It's not a good thing, so. Right?
AMIR: Yeah yeah yeah, what were you saying?
JAKE: It's a picture of Yosemite Valley at sunrise, you commented "How is this Earth, and how is this porn."
AMIR: Good question.
JAKE (Still reading from Amir's comment): "If you wanna blow your nut hair back, check my imgur account" and then the link is a picture of you photoshopped, poorly by the way...
AMIR: No.
JAKE: Yes, your face on Ron Jeremy's body's fucking a map of Africa. That's Earth Porn to you?
AMIR: It's subversive!
JAKE: It's definitely not!
AMIR: I'm sorry. I had no idea you were a circlejerking diva, when were you gonna come out of the closet on that one?
AMIR (At the same time Jake is speaking): Yeah, how long have we known each other that you weren't gonna, yeah, you weren't gonna come out to me? Come on, I'm your best friend, tell me that you're a diva.
JAKE (At the same time Amir is speaking): Really? Really? That's how you wanna play this? That's how you're gonna do this? Everybody who thinks you're an asshole?
JAKE: Everyone who thinks you're an asshole for posting mean comments and linking to porn? They're a circlejerking diva, and nothing's wrong with you?
AMIR: Yeah. Exactly right, I'm glad you see things MY WAY! My way or the highway!
JAKE: Fred Durst?
AMIR: Exactly right.
JAKE: You're a loser, man.
AMIR: Oh, really?
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: I don't know if you saw this, but it was trending quite worldwide on twitter, last week, this loser? Went dickless for Michael Chiklis. So. I don't know.
JAKE: Right, I see that post. Picture of you from a webcam with your dick tucked between your legs? The text on top reads "Saw every Michael Chiklis movie" text on the bottom reads "Went dickless for him." You posted it in a subreddit called Jake and Amir! You know I don't approve of that.
AMIR: I'm a good guy greg.
JAKE: You're absolutely not.
AMIR: I am, I am a good guy greg.
JAKE: You're a scumbag steve.
AMIR (Way too angry): Shut the FUCK up! Shut the FUCK up with that!
JAKE (Shouting to the office): Is this okay?
AMIR: No, it's not! Take it back!
JAKE: You know, you also post a lot in explain it to me like I'm five. Your last three questions were about money, crayons, and eating. Most five year olds understand crayons and eating. A lot of them understand money.
AMIR: The comments were helpful, and I appreciated them.
JAKE: How is this helpful? Under your eating post, somebody wrote "OP is a dumbass and a loser. Just let yourself die."
AMIR: To which I zung'd him back!
JAKE: You wrote "How does it feel like to make a thirty year old cry? Gentlemen, shower this d-bag with d-votes."
AMIR: To which society dealt him more than a fatal blow.
JAKE: They gave him eleven thousand upvotes.
AMIR: And counting!
JAKE: You commented on his post "I'd make you eat my dick if it weren't already off for sir Michael Chik. Ask me anytime." Did you even set up an AMA for that?
AMIR: Didn't need to.
JAKE: Yes. Yes you do. And, how do you have your dick off for someone? Explain that to me like I'm five. And why would you do it, if you're gonna do it, For Michael Chiklis!
AMIR: You know what, enough. Okay? I already regret even bringing up the fact that I was gonna delete my reddit account because quite frankly at this point in time, I don't even see me having the huevos to pull it off! I really don't!
JAKE: If you need a little encouragement, why don't you look at the front page. Where it says "If this post gets ten thousand upvotes Amir Blumenfeld will kill himself."
AMIR: And?
JAKE: Got a hundred and fifty.
AMIR: Yes.
JAKE: Thousand. Upvotes.
AMIR: A thousand?
JAKE: A hundred and fifty thousand. For you to kill yourself.
AMIR: No, I know.
JAKE: Like they want you dead. Yeah.
AMIR starts crying
JAKE: Okay. Of course. Yeah? A little tears?
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Crying?
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Sobbing?
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Thirty years old though?
AMIR: Uh huh.
JAKE: Almost thirty one?
AMIR: Oh yeah.
JAKE: Alright.
AMIR: Am I really on the front page?
JAKE: Yeah, it's on the front page but you-
AMIR: My name?
JAKE: Yup.
AMIR: On the front page of REDDIT?
(AMIR's crying turns into laughter)
AMIR: A hah hah hah hah hah hah. YEAH! WOO!
JAKE: You're happy.
AMIR: Today I learned that I'm a pimp and a cool! Upvote me to karma heaven baby!
END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.

AMIR: Not for long!

JAKE: That's true.

AMIR: Wait, what?



[Jake and Amir are on a sound stage, sitting in director's chairs. Amir has a megaphone.]

AMIR: [patting Jake on the knee] Good shoot, as they say! Good shoot!

JAKE: Can you please not? Alright? That was an absolutely harrowing experience.

AMIR: Nobody said making art would be easy.

JAKE: You cut off your own dick today, man.

AMIR: [through the megaphone] Excuse...?

JAKE: You stepped out of your trailer in front of a huge plume of crystal meth smoke. You strode onto the set, put your penis through the slate, and said "'The Entire Crew Screams and Calls 911', take two," and slammed the device on your shaft. Your genitals hit the floor with a sickening slap, and everyone stood in stunned silence for an eternity.

[Amir accidentally sets off the megaphone's siren, but turns it off. Jake snatches it away from him.]

AMIR: Oh!

JAKE: You never stopped smiling through the whole entire thing, even as you bled out through the stump on your mound, even as the paramedics arrived, and failed to reattach your reproductive organ. You kept yelling, "I'll be a better director as a eunuch! My libido won't guide my eye!"

[Amir gestures along as Jake quotes him, raising his arms for emphasis and then pointing at his eye.]

AMIR: I'm sorry if I went dickless for Michael Chiklis. I'm serious. [air quotes] I apologize if I "inconvenienced anybody".

JAKE: You inconvenienced everybody. Eventually, you convinced the paramedics to attach your big toe to your pelvic bone to use as your phallus. You said "as long as it's chubby, a girl will rubby". I will never forget that weird rhyme as long as I live.

AMIR: Huh... Thank you--

JAKE: Not a compliment. You also rented an IMAX camera, for no reason. That's a hundred thousand dollars, for the day, out of our budget, and you didn't even shoot anything interesting! You laid it on the ground, and paraded a bunch of construction paper dinosaurs around in front of it.

AMIR: [holding a paper pterodactyl out in front of him] Welcome, to Jurassic Shart?

JAKE: So dumb. Don't--

[Amir grunts and squirms for a long time, and shits without farting. He throws the pterodactyl down in frustration.]

JAKE: Great. You shit your pants without farting. So it's not even a shart; it's just a shit.

AMIR: [frustrated] Anal!

JAKE: What are you gonna do without a penis?

AMIR: Let me ask: Why are you so fixated on that small part of the day?

JAKE: "Fixated on that"... it's a small part of you.

AMIR: A lot of other stuff happened, by the way!

JAKE: You know what? I'm fixated because you castrated yourself publicly!

AMIR: [sarcastically] Oooooh!

JAKE: Yeah! Yeah, you ruined today! We didn't get any good footage!

AMIR: It's there in pieces!

JAKE: Your penis is in pieces!

AMIR: Excuse you! Absolutely excuse you!

JAKE: Excuse you. You monster.

AMIR: By the way, whatever we didn't get today, we pick up tomorrow! That's why it's called a pick-up!

JAKE: What money do we shoot the pick-ups with? You blew the entire budget! A hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars gone, spent on an IMAX camera and a lunch comprised entirely of bird's nest soup! It's a Chinese delicacy. It cost forty-five hundred dollars a bowl, which of course meant we didn't even get to feed the entire crew of fifty people.

AMIR: [holding up a finger to stop Jake] I had a KIND bar.

JAKE: Oh good! Good, so you ate.

AMIR: I had a KIND bar--

JAKE: You also had soup!

AMIR: --and soup! I had a KIND bar and soup, which I think is f--

JAKE: How is that fair? Other people didn't eat anything at all!

AMIR: Let's talk post-production for a second.

JAKE: Insane.

AMIR: I'm thinking in terms of editing, I can cut the bitch up myself.

JAKE: Do you know how to--

AMIR: I mean, I do have iMovie.

JAKE: Do you know how to edit?

AMIR: You know what? Suck my fuckin' toe, dude!

JAKE: Good, good reaction.

[Amir unzips his pants and whips out his relocated big toe.]

AMIR: Suck my toe!

JAKE: Oh! Oh, it's wiggling!



END