[Jake and Amir are sitting at a booth in a restaurant. Amir is filming, holding the camera up to the mirror on the wall, then he points it at Jake.]

AMIR: I mean, are you really going to tell me that you'd rather be at the Yankee's game right now?

JAKE: No, telling you would mean I have to talk to you, so no, I'm not going to tell you anything.

AMIR: (panning to the piece of pizza in front of Jake) I mean, I paid for half of that slice, so I don't even know why you're even--

JAKE: Well I paid for both of yours.

AMIR: Okay, wow. (turns the camera to show he is wearing a Yankees hat) You're really going to be that petty about this, aren't you?

JAKE: Yeah I guess so, I guess so.

AMIR: Alright. I'm gonna leave. (starts to get up)

JAKE: Be my guest, please.

AMIR: (sits back down) Alright, fine, I'll stay.



[30 Minutes Earlier]

[Amir has the camera on himself, again showing off his hat. He turns it toward Jake, as they walk away from the stadium.]

AMIR: I know why you're pissed at me.

JAKE: Cuz you ruined the game for me.

AMIR: No, because you bought me this.. (shows his hat to the camera again) and we weren't even able to enjoy most of the game together.

JAKE: I didn't buy you that fucking hat!

AMIR: Okay! Relax, you took money, and you bought it for me, I mean, what's the big--

JAKE: I didn't even do that!

AMIR: Ok, com'e on, compromise, right? Meet me in the middle, and then--

JAKE: Nope. Just stop talking, actually. That's good.

AMIR: Alright. I'm gonna stop talking, IF you talk to me for the rest of the day, AND, you talk to me on Thursday, Friday--

JAKE: How about I just walk home and you take the subway by yourself? (walks away)

AMIR: Awuwuwuwait okokokokok. (catches up with Jake) Come on. I won't say anything. Thanks for the hat, and that's it, or whatever.



[5 Minutes Earlier]

[Jake is walking through a crowd with his hands on his head, Amir runs up to him from behind.]

AMIR: Jake! Thank god I found you! That was EPIC! (falsetto)

JAKE: Aight look, I don't think I should be seen with you, just in case they're still looking for you, alright? Nothing personal, just get the fuck away--

AMIR: Aight. Good call, we'll split up, we'll cover more ground.

JAKE: Sure.

AMIR: Thanks for the hat. BUT, if we stay together, they won't expect it, and maybe, Ill vote for that option because, I don't wanna be not near you right now, so. Just a--.. (high-pitched voice) Just a tought! Just a tought! (he pronounces a th sound as a t sound in his high-pitched voice)



[20 Minutes Earlier]

[Jake and Amir are sitting in the grandstands in the stadium. Amir points the camera back at himself and Jake as he talks.]

AMIR: Alright, we're here at Yankee Stadium, Jake got me this hat (points at his hat),--

JAKE: Nope.

AMIR: --and we're best friends, right? Would you agree with that?

JAKE: No I wouldn't.

AMIR: I bought-- heh. I bought the tickets, so. What would you--

JAKE: I said I'd take a picture, I didn't say anything about saying we were best friends. Now MOVE the camera.

AMIR: Fine.

(* Amir pans the camera back around toward the field, and then at the woman sitting in the seat next to him. He taps her on the shoulder.*)

AMIR: Excuse me? Hi. Uh, can you take a photo of myself and my friend?

WOMAN: Sure. (she takes the camera, and Amir poses next to Jake.) Um..

AMIR: Get out hats. (laughs)

WOMAN: ..Ok, but this is still in video mode.

AMIR: (laughs) Ok, figure it out. Don't be an idiot, right?

WOMAN: E-excuse me?

AMIR: Excuse me, yeah, excuse me I'd give the camera to such an idiot (grabs the camera)

WOMAN: Hey! Hey! Lemme go!

AMIR: C'mon, Jake, hit her!

END.



OUTRO:

[Jake and Amir are walking around inside the stadium where the shops are.]

AMIR: Jake, who's your favorite Yankee and why.. don't you want to sleep over to- (sees a shop that sells hats) Ohh my god. Hey look, dude hey! Come here. Hats, dude. Come buy me one, or stand here while I buy one, so it'll look you--

Jake: How was your date?

Amir: You tell me.

Jake: I can't, you tell me.

Amir: Well I'm wearing this aren't tie?

Amir gestures to his tie

Jake: Is that what you wore last night?

Amir: What's that?

Jake: Is that what you wore last night.

Amir: Sigh Let's just say... no.

Jake: Ok, I'm just going to ask Hallie.

Jake moves next to Hallie, while Amir runs to Jake's computer.

Jake: Sup!

Hallie: Hey...

Jake: If you're doing this to get back at me, squeaky voice Tis nay working! Tis nay working! So...

Sarah slides next to Amir.

Sarah: Amir, stop. He didn't google your name today.

Amir: Laughs Oh no, I'm just checking dinner reservations for tonight, my internet's down.

Sarah: Oh yeah, that right, how was your big date?

Amir: Uh, it was really awesome.

Camera to Jake and Hallie.

Jake: QQ, did you fuck him, straight up.

Hallie: Jake-

Jake grabs Hallie's hands and smells them.

Jake: They smell like chicken nuggets, you slut.

Hallie: Can you just get away from me?

Jake: Oh wow! Yeah, I'll get away from you, right away, if-

Hallie: Leave.

Camera to Amir and Sarah

Sarah: Wow, so you like really like her.

Amir: Uh, yeah, no, I mean I guess so-

Jake: Excuse me, Sarah, Get the fuck away from my computer right now. Amir, Bye-

Amir: Let me just finish-

Jake: Bye, bye

Amir: Let me just finish this and then

Jake: Fine

Amir: One second, alright.

Jake moves to Amir's chair

Jake: Amir.

Amir: What.

Jake: Dinner tonight.

Amir: Uh, no I can't I'm going-

Jake: Go to the D's!

Amir: No, I'm going to-

Jake: Go to the D's!

Amir: A different restaurant with Hallie. We're going on a date.

Jake: Alright, yeah. Wanna playa Snoode on your computerdori? Play a little Snoode sauce? Can I play some Snoode sauce? Play a little snoode sauce?

Amir: Shut up!

THE END
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkdDeHcK0s4

(Jake gets up from desk)

AMIR: Where are you going?

JAKE: I'm going to talk to Dan about a script I wrote.

AMIR: (getting up) Alright, I'm coming with you because I rewrote it and then I sent it off to him. Follow my lead, and never don't follow my lead.



(Dan, Jake, and Amir are sitting at table)

DAN: Cool, Caveman Frat Party. Uh, honestly, right off the bat, I like it, it's good.

AMIR: Honestly, right off the bat, no shit.

DAN: Uh... Ok.



DAN: Bottom of page one, the main character sees a McDonald's burning down in the distance and he starts to cry, and I don't get that, so I was wondering what's-

AMIR: Wow- whoa-like- what- It's the saddest thing somebody can see, so I think, like, when you cry, it's not-

JAKE: It's- it's- you can- It's cuttable, right? You can cut that.

DAN: Cuttable, so yeah, I'll- I'll cut that, then.

AMIR: Well... Ahh, Ok. Uh, that's fine. It happens again.

DAN: Yeah, it happens on every page, so I'll just-



DAN: Oh, yeah, you numbered the pages wrong, which is borderline impressive 'cause it's automated software.

AMIR: Yeah, I don't use software. I just (farting noise with mouth) write all- I do the-



DAN: So, this section (simultaneously) I felt the dialogue could be almost half the length because you can get what you're trying to say just quicker, snappier.

AMIR: (simultaneously) Yeah, yes, yes, yes, very. Aw, half the length, and then you can get it to change, just get it across and then-

JAKE: What's he talking about?

AMIR: This script.

JAKE: More specifically.



DAN: Oh, here's a thing. Uh, audience lolz go here. Guys, let's not tell the audience when to laugh, let's just write funny stuff and trust it.

AMIR: Def.



AMIR: More specifically? I don't know, he's saying that everything is long. But, that's good, and it should be longer. As lo- er- as lo- the longer the better.

JAKE: That's the opposite of what he just said.



DAN: Page 19.



JAKE: That's the exact opposite of what he said.

AMIR: So why are all good movies three hours plus, right? What, does that make sense?

JAKE: There's a lot of good, short movies.

DAN: Alright, cool, come on.



DAN: Scene directions. So here it says this shit is crazy insane.

AMIR: (interrupting , high voice) This shit is crazy insane-o.

DAN: Right.

AMIR: High pitched voice, right?

DAN: Yeah, I see that you wrote that, but what does that mean? That doesn't even...

JAKE: He drew a picture of a fireball.

AMIR: Fireball, right there.

DAN: Right, and Jake, that's the thing to generally not do.

JAKE: Well, yeah, I couldn't- I (simultaneously) couldn't agree more.

AMIR: couldn't agree less... with that.



DAN: Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. All the character names are Jake.

AMIR: Yes.

DAN: You can't name the characters Jake-

AMIR: Ok.

DAN: Because people need to know-

AMIR: We don't want to spoon-feed our audience.



DAN: I don't know if I want to do this anymore.

AMIR: I know.

DAN: As a job.

AMIR: Oh, as a job.



DAN: Will Ferrell, I doubt-

AMIR: (deep voice) Frank the Tank!

DAN: Is not gonna be in it because he's Will Ferrell.

AMIR: Yeah, well, the way I cast my characters is I- I- I aim for the moon and then I shoot myself.

DAN: You just said you're gonna shoot yourself.

AMIR: (scoffs) You're gonna let him talk to me like that.

JAKE: Yep.



AMIR: Ahh.

DAN: So a couple more things.

AMIR: Alright, you know what, you haven't stopped bitching about this script since you got here.

DAN: I'm trying to give you constructive criticism.

AMIR: Hah, yeah. More like destructive cynicism.

JAKE: How did you learn those words?



DAN: Cool, so you know what? We got a good first line, we got a good last line, I'll just take it from there.

JAKE: Just have one more crack at rewriting it.

DAN: No.

AMIR: Just give us one more-

DAN: (simultaneously) No, don't worry guys.

AMIR: (simultaneously) It's fine, we can do this. We're a dynamic team!

DAN: You know what, no, because you know what, you don't even deserve an excuse, I'm just gonna write it, 'cause it's really bad!

(Dan walks out)

AMIR: Ok? Wow. What- what crawled into his butt? Jake. (high voice) Vhat crawled into his butthole? Hm. Jake. Give me his SMS code right now, I'm gonna text him that question. Is butthole with two Bs?

THE END

EPISODE LINK

(Amir) So he's all like Freeze! gun impression Shoots me in the forehead and I'm all like OHHHH my brain and it hurts so hard, I can barely even talk anymore, and I'm like...

(Jake) What are you... What are you saying?

(Amir) My play, I'm telling you my play, A tranquil day in the park

(Jake) ...Ok, can you shut up? I'm trying to go through intern resmues

(Amir) Ha. You go... you go through those...

(Jake) Yep

(Amir) Kool Kool, kool kool, kool kool...

(Jake) AND I just got to yours

(Amir) Cool...

(Jake) You know you already work here right?

(Amir) Is this the interview?

(Jake) No.

(Amir) (Jumps away)...(Comes back wearing a jacket) - Hi

(Jake) Hello?... So you want an unpaid internship here?

(Amir) Hmmm, my biggest weakness? Great question!

(Jake) Didn't ask you that

(Amir) Probably that I work too hard (Starts to put on tie)

(Jake) You don't

(Amir) Also I lie a lot to people

(Jake) You know lets take a look at your resume... No employment history but it says you can eat foil.

(Amir) If necessary

(Jake) It's not, it's not ever necessary.

(Amir) (Adjusts glasses)

(Jake) Oh! Under goals you put learn enough to one day start your own website.

(Amir) Yyeeeaahhh. So that's pretty good!

(Jake) Course you didn't really put that you wrote threesome

(Amir) Right! Ok. Yea

(Jake) You drew a pretty graphic picture...

(Amir) Yea that sounds, ok that sounds more familiar

(Jake) Hey! I'm one of your references so lets call Me and see what I think!

(Amir) ARRH Nneear, You don't... Are you gonnaaaaarrrhh fffffme! (Jake holds phone) Ok! Ummm...

(Jake) It's ringing!

(Amir) If he's not there just don't leave a message

(Jake) (To himself) Hello? Hi, Jake? Yea?

(Amir) Gorsh dammit!

(Jake) (To himself) Excuse me, what do you think of Amir Blumenfeld?

(Amir) Jake hang up!

(Jake) (To himself) Oh he's incompetent, terrible

(Amir) Nah Nah hang up!

(Jake) (To himself) Really? Yea he's, ummm straight up - worst employee ever! Ok. Thanks for your time. No problem. (Hangs up both phones)

(Amir) What did he say?

(Jake) It wasn't good.

(Amir) sighs he's probably...uh he jokes around....

(Jake) BUT BUT! I'm willing to take a chance on you. Keep in mind this is a demotion, but you got an unpaid internship here!

(Amir) NNGG! Yea! I'm going to show you, I'm going to earn that job that I lost by taking this internship! SHHHHH!

(Jake) Ok, first task! Don't talk to me for the rest of the day!

(Amir) Done!..... Any foil you're interested in me eating sir?

INTRO: Amir (sing-song) - You are watching Jake and Amir.

Jake - Not bad.

Amir - Really?

Jake - No.



(Jake and Sarah laughing)

SARAH: This is unreal.

JAKE: Oh my-oh! There he is! Come here, come here!

(Amir enters)

AMIR: What?

JAKE: Did you make a youtube video?

AMIR: (laughs) That depends. Are you impressed?

JAKE: It doesn't. That's not what it depends on at all.

AMIR: OK, so no. I don't know-I don't know what a youtube thing is.

SARAH: Well, my friend just sent me this link. It's called Amir From CollegeHumor Fails Gallon Challenge.

AMIR: That's weird.

JAKE: Why is that weird?

AMIR: 'Cause I just failed a gallon challenge yesterday. My cousin Leron was filming it. What are the odds of that?!

JAKE: Like 100%, man.

(they all laugh some more)

AMIR: This is funny, right?

JAKE: It's embarrassing.

AMIR: OK.

SARAH: It's like, pretty sad and very disgusting.

AMIR: I know! That's why I'm going to delete it right now.

JAKE: You can't; you didn't upload it.

AMIR: Oh. OK, so what should I do?

SARAH: You should put it on Digg.

JAKE: Yeah, yeah, you should put it on Digg.

AMIR: Yeah, I should put it on Digg. What's Digg then?

SARAH: It's like a site where people put their embarrassing videos.

JAKE: Embarrassing vi-You try and get as many people as possibly to digg it and that means like, to hide it.

SARAH: Yeah.

AMIR: Oh. OK. So do that, woman.

SARAH: Excuse me?

AMIR: Sorry.

SARAH: All right, well, we need a title.

AMIR: OK. Easy.

SARAH: Umm...

AMIR (to Jake): What do you think it should be?

JAKE: Give it something, like boring, so that less people will want to see it.

AMIR: Good idea.

SARAH: All right, what about 'Gallon Challenge Epic Fail'.

AMIR: Epic sou-OK, that sounds like a big deal though.

SARAH: No, it's not. It's just stands for, uh, extremely placid...

JAKE: And boring.

AMIR: Oh, OK.

JAKE: He doesn't get acronyms.

SARAH: OK! Uploaded.

AMIR: Sweet! All right, can you upload photos too? Because I've got one of Jake pi-ossing.

JAKE: N-n-n-n-n-no!

THE END.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6pQeOqDJZs

Intro
Amir: Hey it's Amir and you're watching jake and amir and
Jake: Why are you crying?
Amir: I don't know



Jake: right we got an interview with an actual NFL player. His name is Chris Cooley, He plays tight end for the redskins.

Amir: Ok, that sounds pretty cooley to me

Jake: yeah don't. are you gonna tell that joke in there?

Amir: Amongst others

Jake: Yeah so let me do the talking, K

Amir: let me do the hard hitting questions

Jake: Well his wife in there so let's try to keep the questions..

Amir: HARDHITTING

Amir: (screaming) Jake, Jake this is crazy!

Amir: Caryons or colored pencils?

Chris:Colored pencils

Amir: WHat?

Chris: i like the
scene cuts to amir getting slammed into wall

Amir:AHH

Chris: (Bleep) You little cocksucker

Amir:I don't know what that means (Crying) I'm so afraid

back to interviewing

Amir: Favorite Los Angeles Ram, in order

Amir on Chris' back

Chris: you little prick, i'm a break your neck

Amir: I wanna die, no please

Back to interview

Amir: What's it like to be on a team with such a losing record? Does it
weigh on you, all the L's and none of the W's

Wife: gasps

Amir getting destroyed

Amir: I can't breath

Wife: (claps) choke him to death honey

Chris: you're about to die

Back to interview

Amir: Cuz you're, a lot of people think that you're the worst player on the worst team.

Back to amir getting destroyed

Amir: I'm gonna die

Back to interview

Amir: Because you can't, can't block and you can't catch. And those are pretty much two big pieces of the puzzle right there

Amir thrown on bed

Amir: Ow (Muffled screaming)

Interview

Amir: I feel like, ok, let's talk about your life. you do a lot of great great stuff off the field but i feel like sometimes you embarrass your family and friends by taking naked pictures of yourself and putting them on the internet! I'm sorry everyone was talking about it

Jake:Oh no

Chris: Excuse

Back to amir on bed and chris jumping onto him

Amir: muffled screams

Amir: You know, oh it's great that your here. I wanted to ask you what
it's like to be married to such a loser.

jake: hey

Chris: listen you little bleep

Amir:hey, what the hell man

Wife: screams


Cuts to scene with all of them on bed*


Amir: so,you pumped about Mike Shanahan coming in or?

INTRO:

AMIR: Hey, you're watching Goodwill Hunting, starring Denzel Washington.

JAKE: Wow, you are so wrong.



[Jake flushes the urinal he was using and walks over to begin washing his hands in the sink. He looks in the mirror and sees Amir in a stall asleep on the toilet with the door open. He walks over to Amir.]

JAKE: Hey.

(Amir remains asleep. Jake kicks the toilet paper holder on which Amir's head rests.)

JAKE: Hey!

(Amir wakes up.)

AMIR: AAAaaahhhwwwwazzaapp?

JAKE: Not too much, you fell asleep while you were taking a s***.

AMIR: (putting on his glasses) Nah. I'm good.

JAKE: Well you were on the toilet, and you were sleeping, so.

AMIR: So yeah, I can see why you'd think that, based on all this (gesturing around).

JAKE: Why is the door open?

AMIR: Door is open because I um... (makes a door-closing gesture)... Alright FINE I was asleep, ok you caught me!

JAKE: Yeah I know you were asleep, but thank you for being honest on your second try; doesn't explain the door.

AMIR: Jake, ok, I'm sorry, it's too early for this.

JAKE: It's four in the afternoon.

AMIR: Yes, well the door is open because I fell asleep before I got a chance to close it, ok?

JAKE: Ok, yeah, closing it should be the first thing you do, though.

AMIR: Yeah, it was going to be, but I (makes a snoring noise) zonked out.

JAKE: Ya zonked out, well you had time to take your pants off, so I know you're lying.

AMIR: (smiling) Ya caught me again. You BASTARD! Hahaha, you're on today! (Extends his arm for a high five.)

JAKE: Don't.. try to touch me. It's not even that I'm mad. It's just that we were about to start a meeting, you excused yourself, you said I'll be back in one second, and I asked you where you were going, and you said I'm going to get everybody treats.

AMIR: Oh, no, the treats.

JAKE: Nonono, don't.. worry about that. It's just, Ricky said that he didn't think it was such a good idea, and then you winked at him (Amir winks), and you said (in a silly voice) trust me, when I get back with these treats, it's gonna be a good idea, (Amir mouths the words along with Jake) and then he said Trust me, it's not, and then you said I will be back in thirty seconds, forty-five tops (Amir mouths the words), the treats are on my desk, I just forgot to bring them to the meeting. And that was forty-five minutes ago.

AMIR: Yes, that's because it's better to ask for forgiveness, than for permission.

JAKE: Well you already asked for permission and he said no, so now you have to ask for both.

AMIR: Ok. Just wipe me and we can go, please.

JAKE: Sure, do you want me to wet the toilet paper?--

AMIR: Yes, please wet the toilet paper--

JAKE: Are you f***ing crazy, you think I'm gonna wipe you?

END.

INTRO

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Am-

Amir (interrupting): OW! I stubbed my toe!

Jake: How? You weren't moving.

Amir: Oh yeah! I'm fine.



Amir: What are you doing, and don't say pooing. (laugh) I'm a poet and I didn't even know that I was one of them.

Jake: You know, that sounded really planned out actually, and you still didn't get it right.

Amir: Private, answer the captain's question!

Jake: I'm filling out my world cup bracket.

Amir: Oooh, very good, but a little too late.

Jake: It's not too late, it starts this weekend.

Amir: Yes. Oh, 2010 world cup.

Jake: Yeah.

Amir: Who ya got?

Jake: I have U-

Amir (interrupting): Who ya got?

Jake: I'll tell you-

Amir (interrupting): Who ya got, ya got, ya got shot (loud farting/shitting noise) Ohhh, no, excuse me Mr.
Officer!

Jake: Go to the bathroom.

Amir: Stop yelling about it!

Jake: I'm not yelling about it, you just screamed 'excuse me Mr. Officer' and you clearly shit your pants, so go to the bathroom.

Amir: Why don't you be a little more loud about it, ok? I don't think everybody on the third floor heard you.
Jake: We're on the third floor

Amir: Who ya got?

Jake: I got Spain. Go to the bathroom.

Amir: You have Spain going to the bathroom?

Jake: Y-yeah, no...

Amir: Aha, Jake has Spain going to the bathroom!

Patrick: What smells like shit?

Amir: Oh, fuck me, Jake, you have to help me out. Cmon' they're onto us!

Jake: They're on to you, I have nothing to do with this.

Amir: Jake shit his pants!

Amir: I'm so sorry, I owe you one.

Jake: You shouldn't have called any attention to it, ok? Why don't you just say you farted

Amir: I did fart, but then I shit, ok? I'm not going to lie about it.

Jake: I don't understand why you haven't gone to the bathroom yet.

Amir: Who ya got?

Jake: You know who I got, I got Spain.

Murph: Ah, yeah. Something definitely smells like shit.

Amir: Oh sheesh y'all, 'tis a nightmare!

Jake: You can still get out of this.

Amir: Ok, just tell me what to do and I'll do it-

Jake (talking over Amir): Go to the bathroom.

Amir (talking over Jake): I swear I'll do it.

Jake: Go to the bathroom-

Amir (said as Jake repeats 'Go to the bathroom'): I swear I'll do it, just tell me what to do.

Amir: (loud sharting sound) Uuuhhh, FML. Not once, big time.

INTRO

AMIR: (Pirate voice) Yarrr you be watchin' us so walk the flank!

JAKE: Plank.

AMIR: (Pirate voice) Don't embarrass me.



JAKE: (On the phone) (Concerned voice) Oh god...well, should I come home?...Yeah, Just keep me posted. (Hangs up)

AMIR: Is everything cool?

JAKE: No, Man, my cat's sick.

AMIR: Jesus...Why the vest? (Points at Jake's vest)

JAKE: We have to put her to sleep.

AMIR: My god...Why the vest though?

JAKE: It's whatever, it's stupid, I dunno.

AMIR: Yeah, it's stupid. It's very stupid.

JAKE: Man, I've had that cat since I was twelve.

AMIR: How long have you had the vest for? Ha. Should put the vest to sleep, keep the cat alive.

JAKE: Okay, well, I've had the vest forever, alright?

AMIR: Forever? There's still tags in it.

(Jake reaches for the back of his shirt to check for tags)

AMIR: Do you keep the tags in it forever?

JAKE: No.

AMIR: Is that like a...thing?

JAKE: Stop noticing the vest!

AMIR: I can't not notice the vest, okay? It's weird that you're wearing a vest.

JAKE: Okay, well, I had nothing else to wear, alright? How's that for an excuse? I was doing laundry today. Laundry day ha...(Moves on to cat) Man, I remember when I first picked up the cat from the cat store...

AMIR: What do you mean "nothing else to wear"? You're already wearing something else; you're wearing the vest over that. So it's like you're wearing a shirt jeans, that's a thing.

JAKE: Okay, well, it's a joke. The vest is a funny joke.

AMIR: On you? Like is that a joke on yourself—

JAKE: I don't care what I look like! I don't give a crud what I wear.

AMIR: So why're you-why is that top button unbuttoned? (Points at button) That's clearly a choice, right?

JAKE: We're putting my childhood pet to sleep and all you can focus on is my cool vest.

AMIR: I didn't say it was cool.

JAKE: Sorry, stylish.

AMIR: I definitely didn't call it stylish.

JAKE: Okay, well, it doesn't matter 'cause it's comin' off! (Starts to unbutton vest)

AMIR: Is that a...is that a watch? (Gestures towards Jake's wrist)

JAKE: (Checks wrist) No, there's no-there's not watch-head on it so it's just like a band. (Rotates wrist to show Amir)

AMIR: Why...all the effort? Why're you wearing a leather band?

JAKE: (Sarcasm) Oh my god it's so hard to put a band around your wrist and snap it in. (Demonstrate)

AMIR: I'm saying, like, goin' to the mall, that's like a lot of effort.

JAKE: (Sarcasm) Lots of effort to take a quick bus ride over the GW bridge and you thumb it down to an Abercromie. What's hard about that? And guess what, I didn't pay a friggin' dime 'cause I ganked it! Ah ha. (Jake gets a phone call) (Suddenly upset) Oh, one second. (Picks up phone) Hello?...No, there's nothing you can do. Why could-how-you already couldn't do anything...I understand. (Puts hand over face)

AMIR: Is the cat gone?

JAKE: No, it was Urban Outfitters. My custom J-Witz dog tags aren't gonna be ready 'till late this afternoon.

AMIR: Dog tags?

JAKE: (Pulls out a dog tag from under his shirt) Yeah, dog tags, like this one.

AMIR: So you're already wearing one?

JAKE: Yeah, well you need two! Or was Justin Timberlake at the 2002 Kid's Choice Awards NOT styling?

(Amir looks confused)

JAKE: (Sarcasm) Oh, yeah, I bet he wasn't fucking Britney Spears. (Puts on another dog tag)

AMIR: So you have two?

JAKE: YOU NEED FOUR! Alright? Or was Chris Kirkpatrick at the 2008 NOT styling?

THE END

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysX71Wv8GyQ

[Introduction]
Amir (in a "spooky" voice): Hey, you're watching a very special Hallowe'en episode of Jake-
Jake (interrupting Amir): A couple months early, right?
Amir: A couple months late
[Jake is sitting on a couch, Amir enters and sits next to him holding a few sheets of paper]
Amir: Hey, can you help me out with my bucket list? You know, flesh it out, make it a little longer
Jake: I mean it's already really long. If anything it should be shorter.
Amir: Yeah, I know. Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in me? 'Cause I just got off of the phone with my dad and he was Just berating me. Half an hour straight. Screaming. I didn't' even get a word in.
Jake: Okay, first issue. Uh, there are a lot of duplicates here, like the first nine say "Find treasure".
Amir: Really? Because duplicate means two, and you said the first nine are find treasure. So which one is it?
Jake: Either way, let's just get rid of all the items that repeat.
Amir: Either way, I'm just gonna look up the definition of duplicate and call you out on it. I'm sorry. That is too rich.
Jake: Whoa! Mean text from your dad.
Amir: Ignore.
[Jump cut]
Jake: You read #124 and tell me if it's something you really want to do.
Amir: Eat a cockmeat sandwich panini-style. Extra cockmeat on rosemary focaccia, side of chips and a free soda. It better be free, I'm eating cockmeat after all. No, I guess not. Just white it out.
Jake: I'm saying why'd you write cockmeat in the fir-
Amir (interrupting Jake): Liquid paper!
Jake: I'm saying why'd you wri-
[Jump cut]
Amir (on his phone): He had three kids; two of them are doctors and one's a royal pain in the ass, so that's not my fault. It's called not knowing how to raise yo' kids.
[Jump cut]
Jake (Amir now asleep on his shoulder): Here's one that's not on here that maybe should be. Do volunteer work.
Amir: Yeah, I already have that. Okay? Check 419.
Jake: No, 419 is what made me think of it because you wrote: "You don't owe the world a f***ing dime." That's not even a thing you can do, alright? That's just a mean idea to have.
Amir: Okay, it's called I was carsick.
Jake (shaking his head): What?
[Jump cut]
Amir (showing Jake his phone): Here we go, definition. Okay. Duplicate: a copy or replica of - okay, never mind. This is a hack website.
Jake: dictionary.com?
Amir: theonion.com?!
[Jump cut]
Jake: A lot of these are really conflicting.
Amir: What do you mean?
Jake: Okay, 91: Write a novel.
Amir: Okay.
Jake: #92: Set fire to a small, independently owned bookstore. Don't look back.
Amir: Okay.
Jake: #93: Don't ever look back.
Amir: Right.
Jake: 94: Give one glance, to make sure it's really happening. This is your moment. #95: Soak it in, you've earned one glance. #96: F*** it! Turn around fully and behold. You've earned this. Months of planning. It's all happening. Feel the warmth. 97: Tweet the picture, you've earned one tweet. Tweet a picture of you next to the fire holding up a shocker. Defiant and proud. This is your moment.
Amir: Right, ninety-s-ninety-eight tho-
Jake: Write another novel.
Amir: Exactly.
[Jump cut]
Jake: This one's kinda nice. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Amir: Yeah, well read the next one.
Jake: Start punching French women until their mustaches fall off.
Amir: Yeah. And you can delete it, because I've already done it.
[Jump cut]
Jake: Put a cherry bomb in a mailbox?
Amir: Ever heard of "because I was carsick"?
Jake: Yeah, you said it like a minute ago and it didn't make sense. Maybe that's like an excuse that worked once before and you keep using it?
Amir: Just pull over man.
Jake: Gotcha...
[Jump cut]
Jake: Your last page is just an index.
Amir: Exactly, it sort of categorizes all the items. You know, makes them easier to find.
Jake: Okay, but you filed them all under-
Jake and Amir: Miscellaneous!
Amir: Which means-
Jake: Ss- I'm talking. You filed them all under miscellaneous except for #99, which you filed under odds and ends.
Amir: So, okay. So what's 99? (looks at page) So 91, 92...
Jake: It's down here at the bottom, just chill out. I got it, okay? You- you said 99: Perfect! Why did you look back? Everything was going perfect. The bookstore was en fuego-
Amir (interrupting Jake): On fire, in spanish.
Jake: I know. Stop touching it, alright?
Amir (mumbling): I know.
Jake: You were golden and you looked back. You made this about you. You're weak.
Amir: So...
Jake: And this is what I can only imagine is a crude drawing of a-
Amir (interrupting Jake): Cockmeat sandwich.
Jake: Cockmeat sandwich.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Stop touching it.
Amir: Okay. I'm not gonna touch it.
Jake: You drew a cockmeat sandwich.
Amir: You sound like my dad, man.
[After Collegehumor logo, Amir is on the couch talking to his dad on the phone]
Amir: Yeah, I- I'm not saying- I said yes as in I agree with you, that's it. (starting to cry) Yeah. Repeat it ba- I'm a piece- Let me repeat it back! You say repeat it back and then you keep on yelling. Now you're gonna- you're gonna feels bad 'cause I'm gonna cry. Yeah, here we go. Okay. Repeat after me: I'm a- I'm a piece of garbage.

Introduction:

Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and... Will you please start wearing pants to these.

Amir:Relax.



Amir: [Talking to three high school age boys and handing them each some cash] Thank you so much. Honestly, I mean I don't know what you do with this money but it's like yours to keep.

Jake:[Walking to his desk] Yo, what's going on?

Amir: None ya!

[Jake raises his eyebrows]

Amir: You're not curious to know what that means? None ya. It's a new word.

Jake: I already know what you're gonna say.

Amir: None ya business!

Jake: Right, got it. Why are you paying these teenagers money?

Amir: First of all, okay, they're not teenagers. They're all fifteen years old.

Jake: Then they're teenagers.

Amir: [Turning to the teenagers] You guys lied to me.

Jake: They didn't lie to you okay, you misconstrued that.How do you know them?

Amir: They were in second grade uh, when I was in second grade, so [Amir high fives all three of them in a row].

Jake: How? They're half your age?

Amir: I was held back. Constantly, if you must know. Eight straight years in second grade before I decided to turn it on. Alright, I flip it on like a light switch. I'm powering through third, fourth, fifth grade, sixth grade comes along, I open my stupid little trap, and the hammer comes down!

Jake: So you didn't talk for four years?

Amir: Not a peep! Alright, but then they find out that my reading is still at a second grade level and my math just isn't there.

Jake: So it sounds like you didn't turn it on.

Amir: Yeah, turns out I just left it off. They shipped me back to second grade with my tail between my legs and every teacher in the hallway just booing me. I spent another nine and a half spottin' second grade. I didn't say a peep the entire time! But hey, at this point, they're already hip to that game so they just keep me there.

Jake: So you didn't talk for ten years?

Amir: Not a peep.

Jake: Stop saying peep.

Amir: Mum was the fricken' peep.

Jake: That's enough. I don't know what you guys are doing here but you all can just go home alright, peace out [Jake gives them the peace sign].

Teenager 1: That's not cool.

Jake: [Puts up peace sign] This isn't cool? Alright dude, I'll stop doing it.

Amir: They're tutoring me.

Jake: They're tutoring you? Okay, yeah, and my shirts grey [sarcastic].

Teenager 2: Your shirt is grey.

Jake: Its steel! Okay! Why don't I tutor you in having eyes.

Amir: They're tutoring me in math, English, Physics...

Jake: Oh, they're tutoring you in math? Here's a pop quiz, eight times eight.

Amir: Ah, eight squared! You guys just taught me this.

Jake: Woah, woah,woah, excuse me dude, eight squared? I said eight times eight! [Jake starts pointing to his eyes] Listen!

Teenager 1: It's the same thing.

Jake: Who are you man? Alright look, either way he's not gonna get it.

Teenager 3: Come on Amir! You can do it!

Jake: Woah, woah, woah! Foul on the play! No doing that dude. You can't encourage him. He's got to do it himself.

Teenager 1: He is.

Jake: Not with you guys smiling at him, believing in him, saying [Jake starts in a mocking voice] Oh Amir, come on you can do it! You coddle him like a child. It's pathetic.

Amir: Oh, 64!

Jake: [Starts clapping] Bravo. Bravo. You guys tutored him to cheat, with a calculator under the desk. [Jake bends down to look under the desk and bangs his forehead down on top of it.] AH! Oh, no. Ow! Okay, no calculator under there but ay, who left this desk here? Haha. [Jake starts looking bad and puts his hand on his stomach] I'm gonna vomit.

Teenager 1: You should lie down.

Jake: You should lie up! Who are you! [Jake starts leaning on the desk] I don't need a tutor to tell me... [Jake wobbles a little and sits down on the desk] I'm dying.

[INTRO]

Jake: You're

Amir: watching

Jake: Jake

[PAUSE]

Jake: That was your cue!

Amir: I know!



Karen: So, Community Service Day is just two months away--

Amir: [interrupting] Great! So, we'll see you in a month, like... what?

Karen: Well... uh, we still haven't firmed up any locations.

Amir: I told you three months ago I was on it.

Karen: I know, but the last time I emailed you for a status update, you sent me a video of a monkey who smells his hand and faints.

Amir: Yeah. That's because he farted in it.

Mark: [laughing]

Amir: That's funny to you?!

Mark: Isn't it supposed to be?

Amir: Am I excused, like...?

Jake: We haven't gotten anywhere yet.

Karen: Last time we spoke, you said an elephant ride was doable, as a carnival for young kids.

Amir: Right. And I stand by that.

Mark: My brother-in-law and I have devised a way to steal large animals from circuses and zoos. If you're really certain about this, I can get you an elephant.

Amir: Dead or alive?

Jake: Alive! Alive, right? Don't do it. But if you do: Alive.

Mark: I-I-I-I have to make a call. I'm not sure if I can make this alive thing happen.

Karen: What about the mural?

Amir: What ABOUT the mural, Kare?

Jake: Will you please not snap at Karen?

Karen: You said you had been able to procure--

Amir: [interrupting] Yeah, a 200 foot by 10 foot concrete wall -- blank as the night -- ready to be painted by the imaginative fingers of today's youth.

Karen: And?

Amir: And... I was able to... get one twice as big.

Karen: [gasping in surprise]

Amir: So... double the kids... on that... Karen.

Karen: They are going to be so happy!

Jake: He just winked at me, but even if he didn't, I doubt he could have gotten a wall like that.

Amir: NARC!

Karen: Well, uh... what about snacks? People are going to be hungry.

Mark: How does two tons of wet elephant meat sound?

Jake: It doesn't sound good, Mark.

Mark: I don't want to say how or why, but I have recently come into a surplus of elephant meat.

Jake: We know how.

Mark: I certainly can't eat all of it -- trust me on that!

Amir: What about music, okay? Some phat beats, dope rhymes, things like--

Jake: [interrupting] I'll take care of the music.

Amir: I can freestyle for about two and half hours straight. Make your face leak underneath... all that stuff--

Jake: [interrupting] You couldn't freestyle for like ten seconds just now--

Amir: [interrupting] I'm going to get a CD! A frickin' mix cassette tape -- how does that sound for a freestyle?

Jake: Those sound like two different things! I'll get a DJ, okay?

Mark: Alright. Can we go?

Amir: You can go... to jail! For killing and de-tusking an elephant. I mean, how long are we going to stand idly by--

Mark: [interrupting and getting out of his chair to approach Amir] I didn't touch a single tusk! [strangling Amir] Not one tusk!

Jake: Hey!

Amir: Okay, Karen...?

Jake: Come on, Mark!

Amir: Karen! I have your wall! I have your wall, Karen!

Jake: Karen! Karen! Karen!

Karen: No! No!

[END]

NTRO Amir and Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake--

Jake - and Amir.

Amir - and Amir.

Jake - All right.

Amir - Perfect.



(Sarah and Pat are sat on a couch)

PAT: Guess who I saw in Starbucks this morning.

SARAH: Who?

PAT and SARAH: Chris Nowth.(?)

PAT: You saw him too!

SARAH: No, you just keep talking about this.

(Amir enters)

AMIR: Hey.

SARAH: Hey!

AMIR: Sorry, uh, got to go take a shit.

PAT: Come on.

AMIR: But Jake's gift hath arrived. So whenever you guys get a chance, pay the peeper! (chuckles)

SARAH: How much do we owe you?

AMIR: Huh?

PAT: For the gift. How much do we owe you?

AMIR: Well, uh, like I said, I ended up going for the deluxe package--

PAT: You never said that.

AMIR: --So uh--

PAT: You never SAID THAT!

AMIR: That changed the price by just a hair. So uh.

SARAH: What the deluxe package?

AMIR: Yeah! Well you know how I was deciding between the headphone thing and the deluxe package?

PAT: No.

AMIR: Yeah, well, OK, sorry, I really, uhh, I got to go take a shit. But I was deciding between the headphones and the deluxe package and I ended up saying 'eff it, you only turn 26 once, I went balls to the wall and I got the deluxe package, so that's--

SARAH: Amir, you told us you were just going to get him headphones.

AMIR: Umm, sorry, like...whaaa--

PAT: Is that a sincere apology?

AMIR: I don't kn--Yeah. It is. Sorry, I'm like, ugh, really backed up and loopy right now. So I'm like sort of saying one thing but meaning another. Yeah, it was sincere. What's your excuse for being a D-bag though?

SARAH: OK, it's fine. How much do we owe you?

AMIR: Well. Like I said, since I ended up getting the deluxe package--

SARAH: Stop saying deluxe package.

AMIR: --The sum ended up falling somewhere in the neighborhood of like, god, I want to say like fourteen six a person.

SARAH: Fourteen six?

AMIR: Yeah, fourteen thousand six hundred dollars, but now I really have to go because I'm legit about to diarrhea my jeans.

SARAH: OK, Amir, we're not paying you $14,000!

PAT: I was not even on board for the headphones.

AMIR: Well, it's an all inclusive thing, OK? It's a deluxe package, that's the MacBook Air, the wine, you know, two days in the ring with a former pro, plus the plane tickets to Espańa, so, it's a little bit much, but like, when he gets back we're going to have to divide up the receipts, see how much the food and wine cost, because that was not included. (chuckles) Neither was the boxing thing, actually.

PAT: So it's not all inclusive!

AMIR: No man, it's not all inclusive, but I think--

(Jake enters)

AMIR: AH!

JAKE: Hey guys, what's going on?

AMIR: Jake. What's up, man? What were we talking about? Sports?

SARAH: Jake, Amir bought you this really expensive birthday present and --

JAKE: Come on, man.

SARAH: --now he's--

JAKE: Did you guy seriously get me the deluxe package??

AMIR: It was going to be a surprise! (Amir and Jake start hopping up and down) Yeah!

(Jake hugs Amir)

JAKE: That is me and Reddick Bowe in the boxing ring, for two days! (give amir a give peck on the cheek) Woo!

SARAH: Umm, listen Jake--

JAKE: You guys, can I just let you in on a little secret? Real fast. I honestly thought I heard you say you were getting me headphones and I ran to the bathroom and I cried my eyes out. I just wept openly because I was that pissed, I was like 'these chumps call themselves my friends and they're getting me a lame-ass birthday gift?'--

AMIR: No way.

JAKE: --no computer, no wine, no Espańa, and now here we are, I feel like an ass because you guys are obviously my best friends!

PAT: So you cry when you don't get the gift that you want?

JAKE: Yeah, for like a couple of minutes!

AMIR: Who doesn't?

JAKE: But we're fine now because I got what I want. (high fives Amir) What smells like shit?

THE END.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XufLHF09MbM

Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Now do it with some attitude!
Jake: Don't tickle me!

Jake: Hey, just got your Kickstarter email.
Amir: If you don't have something to say, don't say it, okay? Don't feel like you have to fill every silence with your stupid voice just because--
Jake: Okay, don't just repeat things that I say. It makes sense when I say them to you.
Amir: Then we agree...to disagree...about agreeing. Oh!
Jake: Kickstarter is meant for like meaningful projects, like albums or films.
Amir: I know.
Jake: You know that?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: So you think the Amir Blumenfeld Foundation For Not Giving A Shit is a meaningful project?
Amir: It's..an album. And it's a film.
Jake: No, it's not. Do you really expect people to donate?
Amir: When you ask like that, definitely, okay? Besides, we give little bonuses to incentivize donations.
Jake: I do see that--five dollars and you get a pin that says I'm Cheap James, bitch.
Amir: If you're not cracking up right now, you've never seen the Chapel Show, okay? Like, that's it.
Jake: Yeah, I haven't. Ten dollars gets you a t-shirt which says I donated ten dollars to a fake charity and all I got was this lousy dick.
Amir: What else, man? You got notes, alright? So just say it. Don't do the like stop and go, herky-jerky thing--
Jake: Sure, twenty dollars you get to punch somebody in the chest.
Amir: That's trying to up-sell them, okay? To try to get them to donate fifty dollars.
Jake: Which if they do, you get to punch them in the back of the head.
Amir: Which hurts a lot less than punching them in the chest, watch--
Jake: No!
Amir: Sorry. Queen.
Jake: What?
Amir: Nothing.
Jake: Excuse me?
Amir: I didn't--
Jake: I heard you say something.
Amir: Yeah, I didn't say anything.
Jake: This says that if I donate a hundred dollars you get to personally deliver me a bitch taco. What's a bitch taco?
Amir: It's a taco with double the meat, double the shell, and if ya even think twice about eating it, I get to punch ya in the back of the head 'cause guess what?--
Jake: I'm being a bitch.
Amir: You're being a bitch, right.
Jake: Cool, you know what? It's people like you that ruin Kickstarter for real artists like me...and other people.
Amir: You're a real artist?
Jake: Good question. Check your email.
Amir: You're looking to self-publish a book of poetry n style.
Jake: Ya, a coffee table book about my two passions. (brushes dirt of shoulder) Oh!
Amir: Whoa, Streeter just donated money to my Kickstarter.
Streeter: Hey, no problem, buddy man. Hope it goes to something good.
Amir: (gasps) A hundred dollars. Wow, okay, ey, this is for you. (hands Streeter a taco)
Streeter: Ohhh! Look at this, man. Whoa, look at all that meat!
Amir: Yeahh.
Streeter: Oh man, I'm gonna think twice about eatin' this thing.
Jake: Streeter! No!
(Streeter arrests Amir's arms) Streeter: Ohhh! Purple nurple! (Murph comes up and punches Amir)
Murph: Nurple purple! Yeah!

INTRO

AMIR: Who has two thumbs and you're watching Jake and Amir?

JAKE: Not how that goes.

AMIR: Nooo.



AMIR: (Checks laptop) Oh no! (Slams elbows on desk)

JAKE: What?

AMIR: Do you get this e-mail even?

JAKE: What e-mail?

AMIR: (interrupts and imitates Jake) What e-mail? Look then if you don't know. Don't ask me a question; be proactive, check it out—

JAKE: You asked me if I got the e-mail. I said 'what e-mail?'. What—

AMIR: Secret Santa e-mail, okay?

JAKE: That e-mail came in a week ago!

AMIR: Secret Santa, huh? More like Secret Not.

JAKE: You gotta stop it with that Not joke, okay? It never works.

AMIR: Oh this is the worst day of my life since last year's Secret Santa e-mail.

JAKE: Why is it so bad?

AMIR: Do you even know what Secret Santa is?

JAKE: We randomly choose a co-worker to give a gift to at the Christmas party?

AMIR: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

JAKE: I was done talking.

AMIR: (Gestures towards Jake) C-Can I?

JAKE: I was finished.

AMIR: What?

JAKE: Yes, go ahead.

AMIR: (Continues to gesture towards Jake and tilts head up) Can I talk?

JAKE: That's how a conversation works; I'm done talking! You don't...What is...I don't even know...What happening right now?

AMIR: Give a gift: That's my problem right there; giving a gift. You realize there are children starving in Africa right now, right? And I'd rather punch them all in the face than have to give a shitty ass co-worker a shitty ass gift.

JAKE: So don't sign up.

AMIR: Don't sign up. Ah haha! That's great! Except for then I wouldn't get (slams fists on desk for emphasis) a gift! I wouldn't get (slams fists on desk for emphasis) a gift And I want (slams fists on desk for emphasis) a gift! I just don't want to give (slams fists on desk for emphasis) one.

JAKE: You're a bad person.

AMIR: Whatever, Man, I'll just giftwrap a piece of garbage and give it to an employee, I don't care. (Begins to cry)

JAKE: You know you're crying?

AMIR: (Sarcasm) Wow.

JAKE: You're crying right now, okay?! You realize you're almost 30 and you're crying? You cry more than any—

AMIR: Almost 30!

JAKE: You've come to say you cry more than any other adult I know.

AMIR: I know, I know.

JAKE: If you know then make a change!

AMIR: I'm starving!

JAKE: That's like a baby excuse for why they would cry.

AMIR: Thanks for calling me your baby.

JAKE: I didn't call you my baby.

MARINA: Alright, you guys gotta pick your name for Secret Santa.

AMIR: Jake.

Marina: Out of a hat.

AMIR: Jake out of a hat then.

JAKE: Just pick a name, Dude.

AMIR: (Picks name out of hat) Okay, giftwrap garbage for this guy if you don't let me choose again.

MARINA: Fine.

AMIR: (Pulls out/Puts back different names from hat) No. No. No. No. No. No. No. (Pauses to look at name) No. (Picks a new name) Oh. Mmmkay.

(Marina peaks at the name Amir has picked)

JAKE: Come on.

MARINA: Yeah, he didn't even get you.

AMIR: I can't even read the small writing, okay!? Let me choose again or I'm gonna cry. (Begins to cry)

MARINA: You're already crying.

AMIR: Aw I'm his baby. Gotta love me.

THE END

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3I4_lwry44

INTRO

JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir!

AMIR: Oh, you say my name wrong so your mom doesn't know about us!

JAKE: What?



(Amir is in a restaurant alone)

AMIR: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi. Just wanted to check in on the status of my meal. I ordered it and now I'm feeling lonely and horny without it.

WAITRESS: Yep! (nervous laugh) Chicken fried nuggets!

AMIR: Yeah.

WAITRESS: Medium rare.

AMIR: Eee!

WAITRESS: And a martini.

AMIR: Ehh.

WAITRESS: I just took your order less than thirty seconds ago, so it's gonna be about fifteen minutes.

AMIR: Cool, and if you care to join me, you can.

WAITRESS: Oh, actually I can't, I'm not allowed to-

AMIR: -But you want to?

WAITRESS: I'm not allowed to, nor would I want to.

AMIR: (makes cat sound) Fair enough.

WAITRESS: Excuse me. (walks away)

AMIR: Why, did you fart? No, okay.

AMIR: To tweet or not to tweet, that is the question.

AMIR: (on phone) Hey Jake it's me, I'm at P.G.I. Fugley's. Come on by! Later.

AMIR: (on phone) Hey Micah, it's Amir. Your brother did not pick up the phone. I assume he's dead. I'm sorry to have to tell you that, but he's probably long gone. If you hear from him, have him call me, okay? I'm at P.G.I. Fugley's. Bye.

AMIR: (on phone) Mrs. Hurwitz, Amir freaking, no, speaking. Both your sons are being coward factories. Have them call me back immediately.

AMIR: (on phone) Shirley, hi, uh, Amir, from Connecticut Police Department. Um, I have reason to believe that your neighbor, or I know for a fact that all of your neighbors are dead.

(The waitress brings Amir his martini)

AMIR: Oh! And if it's not too much trouble, it is my birthday, so...

WAITRESS: Oh, happy birthday! (tries to walk away)

AMIR: (grabs waitress' arm) Yeah, well. I don't know if you guys do the singing and dancing and clappin' and all that jazz, but...

WAITRESS: Uh, usually for parties.

AMIR: (points to himself) Party of one.

WAITRESS: Okay, I guess we could. Just give me a second.

AMIR: Thanks, doll, appreciate it!

WAITRESS: (walks away) Yeah, don't call me that!

AMIR: Didn't, no. (on phone) Mr. Hurwitz, hi. Amir Blumenfeld here. Sorry to tell you, but your wife is a tramp, and your sons are a coward. Call me back at 1-900-How 'bout ya don't!

(the wait staff approaches Amir's table with a slice of cake)

WAITRESS: Ready? Okay!

WAIT STAFF: (singing) Happy birthday, yeah! Happy birthday, yeah! It's your birthday, yeah! What's your name?

(Amir shakes his head)

WAIT STAFF: (singing) How old are you?

AMIR: No.

WAITRESS #2: Let's break it down now.

WAITRESS #3: My name is Jessica; I'm a Gemini!

WAITER: My name is Terrence; I'm adopted!

AMIR: D for effort. That felt forced. Leave the cake and get out of my face. Chloe, you can stay, but only if you want to!

WAITRESS: I'm good.

(Wait staff leaves. Jake walks up to Amir's table)

JAKE: Hey, hey dude. Are you alright?

AMIR: Scared to join me? (attempt at a scary laugh) Moo-oo-ahh-ahh-ahh!

JAKE: You tweeted you were gonna kill yourself in a P.G.I. Fugley's bathroom!

AMIR: Shame.

JAKE: Yeah, you are. Will you stop calling my family? Okay? Did you- (blows out candle on Amir's cake) Did you tell them it was your brithday?

AMIR: If you're asking whether or not I got a free cake-

JAKE: -I'm not.

AMIR: -I did.

JAKE: Sad.

AMIR: Okay, you know what? (slaps his leg) Park it. Right here, brother!

JAKE: No, I'm not gonna sit on your lap!

WAITRESS: (to Jake) Can I get you something?

AMIR: (starts crying) Yeah! He's gonna have the same thing as me, and it's his birthday, so sit on his face!

Jake and Amir are sat at their desks, both typing, Amir is staring at Jake

Jake: Okay, dude, sorry but you have to stop posting on Reddit

Amir: Relax, I only post cool and interesting stories, at most, one a month

Jake: You've posted thirty nine hundred times today

Amir: I said at most

Jake: Then you're using that word wrong

Amir: You're a bigger circlejerking diva than the commenters, and that's saying a lot

Jake: Right, the last thing you uploaded thirty seconds ago was a picture of the guy from Futurama with, I think this is your dick-

Amir: interrupting -it's not

Jake: photoshopped onto his forehead-

Amir: interrupting again -oh yeah it is

Jake: The text not sure if y'all commenters are a bunch of circlejerking divas or if I'm universally hated by everybody, it's the second thing

Amir: It's called a me-me

Jake: No, it's called a meme, wow y'no you also tried to start a ton of AMAs. I am a coward and a fool who's dad moved out on him not once not twelve but a dozen times, Ask me anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: My dad is a diva, ask me anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: I'll go dickless for Michael Chiklis, ask me almost anything

Amir: Yeah

Jake: What is that?

Amir: AMAs, okay? Its like an interview, it stands for ask me anywh-time

Jake: Wrong. What the fuck is going dickless for Michael Chiklis?

Amir: I needed the upvotes

Jake: You never get any upvotes, you have thousands of downvotes.

Amir: It's called 'karma' Jake, and correct me if I'm wrong (laugh) but I got a lot of it

Jake: you are wrong

Amir: then correct me

Jake: what are these hundreds and hundreds of posts on /r/trees just picture after picture of you trying to light a joint, your eyebrows on fire and you're crying and smiling.

Amir: I'm an ent that needed the uptokes

Jake: okay right I see that I am high as a knife, ask me anything if this gets a thousand uptokes I won't kill myself? So sad.

Amir: How's this for sad? I was at a three when I wrote that

Jake: That is sad because that's not very high and you went to a really dark place, threatened to kill yourself in an online community where everybody hates you

Amir: Will you just uptoke it okay? I'll go dickless for Chiklis literally this afternoon if you uptoke it

Jake: I won't, because you know what? your comments on all these other posts are actually really mean, like on this-

Amir: interrupting awh, one example? give me one example

Jake: at the same time - video of a dog, are you serious, I'll give you a ton of examples, okay? like on this video of a dog squealing with joy when his soldier owner comes home

Amir: I already know what you're gonna say, okay? and just know that I did it for the lols

Jake: You did this for lols why the bitch is this on the front page? am I the only one who thinks dogs aren't cute or capable of having real emotions

Amir: yeah

Jake:if this gets downvoted I'll shut up, my dick is off for Michael Chick if this gets one more D-vote

Amir: and guess what man...

Jake: Hundreds of downvotes

Amir: really?

Jake: Yeah, do you not check, do you follow up at all?

Amir: no I never go back

Jake: You would be depressed if you went through your reddit history, okay, here's another picture posted here of the pope and the caption says prays for starving children while sitting on a golden throne.

Amir: laughs

Jake: what, you think that's funny now

Amir: (whilst Jake is talking)yeah

Jake: cause you didn't when you left this comment atheist fucks going to hell for talking smack about this God guy, bury me with downvotes if you disagree. You know, why do you, why do you ask for the downvotes?

Amir: I'm like a martyr

Jake: but if you agree, meet me at blockbuster, because we're renting rampart and then ramming each other's farts, then right under that you write Commenter above me is a philosopher, upvote him to karma heaven

Amir mock prays

Jake: Right under that you write I am the pope in this picture, ask me anything

Amir: that thread was dead

Jake: stop trying to protect yourself, you're coming up with excuses, just admit nobody on Reddit likes you

Amir: nobody likes me

Jake: This guy 'ForthewolfX' replied to you saying leave Reddit alone, love, everybody and his comment got (Amir is waving two thumbs down) thousands of upvotes

Amir: oh

Jake: and in response you decided to post a picture of Calvin trying to piss on Michael Chiklis, but there's no pee

Amir: yeah, guess why

Jake: did he go dickless-

Amir: -(interrupting at the start of the word dickless) he went dickless for him, yeah, exactly right, ask him anytime.

INTRO

JAKE: You're watching a buff dude and Amir.

AMIR: (laughs, gets punched by Jake) Ow!



JAKE: (takes off his shirt to reveal a muscle tee)

AMIR: Woah, cool tank top.

JAKE: Woah, cool wrong word for it.

AMIR: What?

JAKE: It's called a muscle tee, asswad.

AMIR: Why?

JAKE: Actually, scratch that. It's called six months of pumping iron for this one moment.

AMIR: Do you think that's a normal thing to wear around the office?

JAKE: You think I'm not going to go to the park during lunch? I don't commit to wearing something that makes me feel vulnerable without having an airtight excuse for every line of questioning. Does that make me insecure? You bet your ass it does.

AMIR: Just wear a T-Shirt, then, okay? You'll look normal and you won't be as angry.

JAKE: GQ Teen says the summer look is Toms shoes, Ray Bans, board shorts, and a muscle tee. Or was that Joseph Gordon-Levitt doppelganger that I saw at the Starbucks on 9th Avenue not styling?

AMIR: Doppelganger?

JAKE: Wasn't one hundred percent sure it was the 3rd Rock from the Sun star and upon asking for his autograph, I found out it was not. Still snagged this sweet pic though. (shows Amir picture on his phone)

AMIR: He looks pissed at you.

JAKE: He was!

AMIR: So why follow his fashion advice?

JAKE: Because a sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt makes that sweet pussy go squirt. (makes milk come out of his mouth)

AMIR: How?

JAKE: I 69'd my dad! At a rave!

AMIR: What?

JAKE: I was obviously joking, the point is that I attend raves! And while I've never done anything more than kiss a bouncer on the cheek to get in and then be sold fake ecstasy by a sweaty teen, still cooler than your last Tuesday.

AMIR: I guess-

JAKE: -(mocking) I guess? Do you guess? Do you guess? (yelling) I shared a fucking glowing pacifier, dude, with a legit five-and-a-half. That's two points hotter than my last girlfriend.

AMIR: What?

JAKE: (does McDonald's jingle) Da da da dada I'm loving snatch!

AMIR: That actually is a cool look.

JAKE: No shlit, dude.

AMIR: (rips the sleeves of his shirt off)

JAKE: No, no! Hey don't you-

AMIR: I'm going sleeveless! Yeah! A dank tank for this man stank make the poonani smell rank!

JAKE: That's not a tank! Bad rhyme, doesn't count!

PAT: (walks over, wearing a muscle tee) Woah, woah, hey hey! Look guys, guys: tank top triplets!

JAKE: Get him outta here!

AMIR: Get outta here, man!

JAKE: Get him outta here!

AMIR: (points to Jake) He 69'ed his dad!

JAKE: At a rave! Tell him where is was!

AMIR: It was a rave, yeah.

PAT: Why?

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and you're right, I am a loser.

JAKE: I didn't say that.

AMIR: All right.

EPISODE

AMIR: Oh, yellow, colonel mustard. (chuckles) Yellow, colonel mustard. (laughs) Hello, turtle mushroom.

JAKE: Take off your costume.

AMIR: I'll take that as a condiment.

JAKE: Please don't. I saw you come in here as a pirate.

AMIR: Nyarr! 'Twas a fine costume indeed. However...

JAKE: However, you saw that I was in a mustard costume, panicked, then sprinted out of work. You came back two hours later in this.

AMIR: Coincedence? I think nyarr!

JAKE: I think nyarr as well. Where did you even find that costume on such short notice?

VINCENT: Help! A fucking pirate did this to me!

AMIR: It happened by chance. Happenstance. It happens, Nance!

JAKE: Right, can you please not talk in limericks?

AMIR: Oh, really, that's a limerick? Because last time I checked limericks were an AABBA rhyme scheme.

JAKE: Did you call on a bomb threat to my little brother's school?

AMIR: Exqueese me!

JAKE: Don't say exqueese me.

AMIR: Ex- No, yes, exqueese me.

JAKE: I'm saying, don't say exqueese me anymore, OK?

AMIR: I'm saying exqueese me.

JAKE: Yeah, and I'm saying if you don't understand something I said, say excuse me-

AMIR: Ex-

JAKE: or what.

AMIR: Exqueese me.

JAKE: The other night, his entire dorm was evacuated at one AM because somebody called in a bomb threat, and as he's filing out, he got a text message, from you, that said It's me, it's fine.

AMIR: (snorts) First of all, that's a lie, second of all, I was doing it to triple-check the safety of the school, it's not like your parents were gonna do shit about it.

JAKE: You know what? Don't take matters like that into your own hands.

AMIR: Fine, no more bomb threats, Adolf.

JAKE: Can you take off that costume? OK? I don't want people to think we coordinated this.

AMIR: (snorts) You know, in some weird, fucked up, twisted way, I'd actually be happy if people thought that.

JAKE: I know.

AMIR: No, I'm serious. (snorts) In my messed up mind, like I can delude myself into thinking that you called me in a mustard costume and asked me to wear this.

JAKE: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.

AMIR: Actually, if you want to know the whole truth, I saw a doctor this weekend, a psychotherapist specializing in manic depression and acute schizophrenia, and, uh, he I guess diagnosed me, for lack of a better term, with having these delusions of grandeur and, uh, made it quite abundantly clear to me that, without medication, that you just got punked, bitch! Ha, ha ha, these costumes were a coincidence!

JAKE: Come on, dude! We just turned a corner!

VAMPIRE: Bleh! I vont to suck your blood!

All laugh

VAMPIRE: But, seriously, there's a, uh, bomb threat, and we have to evacuate, like, now.

THE END

EPISODE LINK

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. This one's for all the pretty girls out there.

AMIR: Creep.

JAKE: What?



(Jake and Amir are at a bar for the entire episode)

AMIR: Feels kinda weird.

JAKE: Don't worry about it, man. Hooking up with babes is like second nature to me.

AMIR: I know, I just, I haven't kissed anybody since you killed my girlfriend.

JAKE: Drop it, okay? You can't poison tonight with your negative energy.



JAKE: (to GIRL #1) You know, I always said a woman's place was in the kitchen...as the head chef...at a 5-star restaurant.

GIRL #1: Idiot. (walks away)

AMIR: (to GIRL #1 as she walks away) You heard him! Get back in the kitchen, ya idiot!

JAKE: No, no



AMIR: (to GIRL #2) Hey girl, are you Enterprise? Cuz I'll pick you up.

(GIRL #2 laughs)

(Amir tries to pick her up from her legs and she screams and falls back and hits the ground. She starts moaning.)

AMIR: More like Hertz, I guess.

JAKE: Call an ambulance.

AMIR: I will!



JAKE: (Talking about a girl off-screen to his right) Hey dude, 3 o'clock.

AMIR: Oh yeah? am or pm?

JAKE: Doesn't matter.

AMIR: Well, analog or digital? Cuz I can't read analog.

JAKE: You know, then it really doesn't matter.

AMIR: Well, is it the hour hand or the minute hand?

JAKE: Just, forget it.

AMIR: Very cool!

JAKE: It's to the right.

(Amir turns left)

JAKE: Other right.

(Amir turns left again)

JAKE: Wow!

(Amir keeps turning until he faces the direction the girl off-screen was in)

AMIR: Oh. She is hot.

JAKE: She's gone.

AMIR: Ooh yeah, she is...gone!

JAKE: Leave the bar, buddy.

AMIR: Absolutely.

(Amir starts walking)

JAKE: Door's the other way.

(Amir turns around and starts walking)

AMIR: OHMYGOD I'm an idiot!



(GIRL #1 that Amir made fall is on the bar.)

BARTENDER: (on the phone) She's not conscious but she's breathing, yeah.

AMIR: (Yelling to people off-screen and pointing to the unconscious girl) Hey, body shots!



AMIR: (to GIRL # 3) Excuse me, are you a Capital One card? Cuz, what's in YOUR wallet?

(GIRL #3 walks away, disgusted)

JAKE: Nice.

AMIR: She must not watch commercials. That's not on me. It's a product of the DVR culture that we live in!



JAKE: (to GIRL #4) Hey...I made a bet with my friend here.

GIRL #4: What's the bet?

AMIR: Fuck if I know.

JAKE: He bet me I couldn't talk to the prettiest girl here -

AMIR: Oh, I most certainly did not, I do not wager.

JAKE: shhh - and get her number.

AMIR: Bull shite!

GIRL #4: I'm gonna go.

(GIRL #4 walks away)

AMIR: (to GIRL #4 as she walks away) Please do! This entire conversation is based on a false premise! (to Jake) Woah...swing and a diss. Heh heh. Was that wager for real, though? Cuz if so, you owe me a G.



AMIR: (to GIRL #5) Girl, are you a Volkswagon? Cuz, drivers wanted!

(GIRL #5 walks away)

AMIR: (to GIRL #5 as she walks away) Wow...another DVR girl...(shouting after girl) you can't fast forward through life!



(GIRL #6 is the same girl that Jake hit on in line in the episode Club)

GIRL #6: So...I will make out with you.

JAKE: Awesome.

GIRL #6: Keep in mind, I will not like it!

JAKE: Fine. Fine.

GIRL #6: AND you have to put your wallet in this jar of pickles.

JAKE: Oh wow, I'll just cancel my credit cards. Bet you didn't think of that, dumb ass.

(Jake puts his wallet in the jar of pickles)

GIRL #6: AND your Iphone.

JAKE: Whew...you know what, that's almost a deal-breaker. Oh, wait, no it's not!

(Jake dips the Iphone in the jar of pickles)

GIRL #6: Submerge it.

JAKE: Submerge it for second base.

GIRL #6: Okay, submerge it, and I'll let you kiss my hand.

(Jake lets the Iphone fall, and kisses Girl #6's hand)

JAKE: Worth it!

(Jake high-fives Amir and laughs a little)

JAKE: I hooked up! I hooked up!



JAKE: Barkeep, come on, I need a bag of rice, stat! I have to get my phone in rice in the next two minutes or she's a goner. I know, cuz I've lost 6 other Iphones to that cruel mistress.

(to GIRL #7)

JAKE: Hey, if you think this is sad, you should read my diary. Every single day reads like a fucking suicide note.

GIRL #7: Me too.

JAKE: Yeeesh. Hey, I'm engaged, sweetheart.



AMIR: (to GIRL #8 and GIRL #9) Hey, who do you ladies think is better looking? Me, or my boy over here.

JAKE: No, sorry, you know what? Don't answer that. Cuz either you guys are gonna tell the truth and hurt HIS feelings, or lie and hurt mine.

GIRL #8: It's him [Amir]. And I'm not lying.

JAKE: Congratulations, friend, what's your name? What's your number?

(Silence)

JAKE: You know what, you have the least popular opinion in the bar.

GIRL #8 (to GIRL #9): Who do you think is better looking?

GIRL #9: Glasses. [Amir]

JAKE: Yeah, fucking right! How so?? How so??

AMIR: You're wrong.



JAKE: (to GIRL #6) This has been the highlight of my year. What a ride. Come here.

(Jake puts his arm around Girl #6's shoulders and pulls her in)

GIRL #6: Oh!

JAKE: Can you, sorry, don't make that noise, cuz it makes me feel like shit.



(Amir walks on-screen, his shirt all orange)

AMIR: Okay, bad news bears, I think we have to go, as I was pepper sprayed just now, not once, but thrice in what I thought was a unisex bathroom.

JAKE: Don't worry, buddy. Happens to me all the time. (to bartender) Hey, barkeep, we need a glass of whole milk. Okay, my friend here just had his mace cherry popped.

BARTENDER: Yeah, you guys gotta leave.

JAKE: Okay, absolutely understandable. I already hooked up tonight. (to Amir) That burns your nostrils if you inhale it, dude.

EPISODE LINK

Jake and Amir: Movie Date 2 (with Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch)
[INTRO]:
PENIS: And now... The thrilling conclusion-
BEN: I started a fire we all have to go!
(Everyone yells)
[VIDEO]:
(JAKE, JULIA and AMIR are sitting in the theatre)
BEN: We present to you:
BEN and PENIS: Silver Linings Gaybook.
BEN: Starring:
BEN and PENIS: Bradley Pooper and one Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal.
[TITLE]: 'Three-and-a-Half Hours Later...'
(JULIA and AMIR are clapping enthusiastically while JAKE has his head in his hands)
BEN (Singing): Ooh, bravissimo! (Speaking) What a fantastic, wonderful movie, if you're looking for your socks they're right over there, they got blown right off ladies and gentlemen! This is time for the question and answers portion, you ask a question, and this man right here (pointing to PENIS) will answer it. (To PENIS) And your name has changed?
PENIS: Yes, yes.
BEN: OK, Of course, of course.
PENIS: I have changed my name yet again to something that can't possibly be made fun of. My new name- is Robert Cut Off My Own Penis Fatty-fatty Nana Smoke A Bowl Full Of Sour Cream Vege Burrito Penis. (To AMIR) Good luck making fun of that, Asnir.
AMIR: Look's like ya stumped me. Bobby.
PENIS (Annoyed): Oooh! Curse you...
BEN: Well done.
JAKE: What the fuck did I just watch?
BEN: Ooh, good question, he asked: "What the fuck did I just watch".
PENIS: Hold on, you don't know?
BEN: Oh no.
PENIS: You there in the middle, the blue, you don't know?
BEN: Blue.
PENIS: Well if you don't know,you didn't watch, and if you didn't watch we all gotta watch it again.
JAKE: No...
BEN: Let's go Samuel!
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: No, no, no, no!
[TITLE]: 'Four Hours Later...'
(Everyone is clapping except for JAKE, who again has his head in his hands. BEN is singing)
BEN (To PENIS): How did you do it my friend, it seems like that was thirty minutes longer.
PENIS: It was
BEN: I have a question if you don't mind. (To audience) You guys mind? Don't care what you say. My question is: what were your motives? Why did you choose to do this as a movie?
PENIS: Yes, well when I first conceived of the plot and the story I was in a cave in Siberia.
(PENIS continues to talk while BEN climbs over the front row of seats onto JULIA)
BEN: S'cuse me
JULIA: Oh my god!
JAKE (Holding off BEN): Whoah.
BEN: S'cuse me I'm getting my seat.
JULIA: Jake! His-
BEN: I'm getting my seat-
JULIA: -dick is in my face!
JAKE: Get away!
BEN: I'm getting my seat. (To JULIA) Maam, what's your name?
JULIA: Julia.
BEN: Franklin, let me ask you this-
JAKE: Wrong.
BEN: Do you wanna get with a hero, a zero, or a gero. (Holding up a burrito)
JULIA: Oh my god...
JAKE: No it's prounounced 'hero' still.
BEN: Um...
JULIA: Whoah, what is that?
BEN: This one is made of lamb (pronouncing the 'b') but the B is silent.
JAKE: That B wasn't silent-
BEN: Aah! The beginning one was, Jake! Blamb? (Pronouncing both Bs) Maybe you've heard of it?
JAKE: Actually I haven't!
(BEN leans over to JAKEs crotch with the burrito yelling loudly, JAKE pushes him away)
JAKE: Hey! No!
BEN: Just kidding, (singing) it's a joke, it's a joke...
BEN: ...it's a joke, it's a joke.
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Not funny.
BEN (To PENIS): You were saying when you were- had to- eat.
(BEN moves over to PENIS again, who is still talking, oblivious to what has been going on)
BEN: (Clapping) Good! Good, good, good, good, good, good. UN-believable.
PENIS: Yeah.
BEN: Do you mind if I ask you another follow up question?
PENIS: Yeah.
BEN: Fantastic, do you have any ideas for maybe, I don't know- a sequel?
PENIS: Mmmm, I've got ideas for a squeak-quel.
BEN: Tell me.
PENIS: Well this time around I don't want any studio muckin' it up with all its bullshit, grass-roots, guerilla-style film making...
(BEN moves back over to the audience, climbing over JULIA)
JAKE: Get your head out of there!
BEN: Excuse me!
JULIA: Why is he trying to put his face in your crotch?
JAKE: I don't know-
BEN (Sitting on top of JULIA's armrest, to JULIA): Hey, Deborah, I've got a question...
JULIA: Hey!
BEN: Did your head hurt?
JULIA: No, it doesn't hurt.
BEN: Did your head hurt when you rose from hell and you hit your head on the ceiling, you- devil angel.
JULIA: What? Are you trying to pick me up?
BEN: I don't know
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Bad line.
BEN: Are you trying to pick me up? It seems like you are! If it's not me then who? Who do you love?
(JAKE is pointing to himself)
JULIA: (Sighs) I actually have a really big crush on... Amir.
(PENIS is sitting where AMIR was sitting)
JAKE (To PENIS): Jesus Christ dude, if you're here then who's doing the Q and A?
(AMIR is now sitting in PENIS's old seat.)
AMIR: I shouldn't- BUT I DID!
JAKE (To PENIS): This is your movie, you should be up there right?
PENIS: Will you be quiet? I'm trying to listen to the Q and A. But I already got what I came here for. (To JULIA) Amir you say? Hmmm. Very interesting. (He gets out of his seat)
AMIR (Loudly): ...and that's what I call...
AMIR and PENIS: ...an ice cream social!
(BEN walks over, AMIR gets back up and returns to his seat)
BEN (Clapping): Unbelievable! Fantastic job. Now, does anybody else have any other questions?
PENIS: I have a question.
BEN (Shocked): What?
PENIS: Yeah, brother. (Shaking hands with BEN) It's for the lady. (To JULIA) Julie, will you marry me? (He pulls out a ring) Knowing full well that you will be used in the ongoing chess match that is the life between Amir and myself. (Quietly) You the pawn and me the queen.
JULIA (Without hesitation): Yes. Yes, yes I will!
PENIS (Giving JULIA the ring): Then you are my wife! Welcome to Hollywood, kid, you got moxie and I like it.
JAKE: I don't think that's official, you need a priest or something.
(BEN appears, wearing a priest costume)
BEN: I am a priest! Congratulations, you have been wedding-ed (pronouncing an H before W)
JULIA (To PENIS): I'm gonna give you so many babies.
PENIS: I'm gonna hit it. And everytime I hit it, I'm gonna think of Amir.
JAKE: No, I don't think that's the insult you want it to mean-
AMIR: Yes! It is.
(PENIS laughs)
BEN: I now pronounce you: man and wife (Pronouncing an H before W)
(PENIS and JULIA hold hands)
JAKE: Still not official-
BEN (Singing, throwing cinema snacks over everyone): Celebration!
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Stop! Stop!

INTRO
AMIR: When I say Jake, you say Amir! Jake -

JAKE: Don't do this.

AMIR: Ass



PAUL: So it's pretty sad that I have to call this meeting at all, but yesterday was the third instance of office vandalism in the last week. It's childish and it's cowardly.

AMIR: Cowardly? (scoffs) Wow.

[Paul glares at Amir]

AMIR: I'm sorry, carry on.

PAUL: I will, I'm leading this meeting.

AMIR: Permission granted.

PAUL: I don't need your permission.

AMIR: You have the floor, and more important, you have my blessing.

PAUL: Y'know I'm almost proud enough to cancel this meeting just so I can show everybody I don't have to listen to you. But I'm also 99% that YOU'RE the vandal and I don't want you to get off scot-free.

AMIR: Yes I see I have put you in a prisoner's dilemma.

PAUL: (yelling) That's not what that means! (takes a deep breath) Anyway about this office coward -

AMIR: I'm sorry, time out, let's change the language, let's rebrand this thing OK? Why call him a coward - it's negative and hateful.

JAKE: So is this coward.

AMIR: Let's call him a brazen vandal.

JAKE: What's brazen about smearing shit on the bathrrom mirror, writing 'Who gives a this'?

AMIR: I'm just saying if we changed the attitude a little bit, maybe this Banksy motherfucker will reveal his identity.

JAKE: Wow, you're comparing the shit-smearing in the bathroom to Banksy?!

AMIR: Ever heard of a street artist?

JAKE: Don't do this

AMIR: He's a street fartist.

JAKE: It's you.

AMIR: It's not! Alright he may not be the hero that this office deserves but he's the hero that this office needs right now. Anyway, as you were. (gestures to Paul to continue)

WILL: Excuse me, sir. I know it's not my place but uhh how about we look at those security tapes?

AMIR: Security tapes?

WILL: That's right.

AMIR: And what? Make him a martyr? Put him on a pedestal so that we have copycat shitters throughout the office? No, absolutely not!

JAKE: You just called him a hero!

AMIR: Don't say his name!

JAKE: I didn't.

PAUL: Enough! Will's right, we'll look at the tapes.

AMIR: OK fine let's look at the tapes but just know that if I'm in it, I'm not doing anything wrong I'm merely trying to UNDO what this heroic vandal coward was doing...(to Paul) The tapes, please.

(Tape plays, showing Will smearing shit on the bathroom mirror, he eats some too)

PAUL: Will! Is that you?!

WILL: (resigned sigh) Uh, yeah.

JAKE: Why?

WILL: (shouting) Now you know the lengths I'll go to to frame you Amir!

JAKE: You're the one that brought up the security tapes!

WILL: Yeah, I was bluffing.

PAUL: Nice poker face, Will. Promoted!

AMIR: No!

PAUL: Quiet, Rod.

AMIR: NOOOOOO!

PAUL: Shut the fuck up Rod!

CH Outtro.



(Security ape continues to play - Will tosses shit up in the air and catches it in his mouth)

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir, and if you think this is funny, [chuckles] keep watchin'!
JAKE: Oh my-- you suck.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir enters and sits down.]
AMIR: You're driving down the road; make sure to pay... the scroll!
[Amir unrolls a very thin, fragile-looking scroll. Jake doesn't react.]
AMIR: I got the cure for the common scroll!
[Jake still doesn't react.]
AMIR: Stop being such an ass-scroll.
JAKE: You know, I'm trying this new thing... where I ignore you, to see if that makes you--
AMIR: [reading from the scroll] "Top ten ways to celebrate this country's birthday, AKA: the Fourth of Julay!"
JAKE: Can you please not read to me from that flimsy, shitty little scroll?
AMIR: "Number ten:" [Jake shakes his head] "sit in a den! With the lights real dim by the couch that you're lying, nobody can tell that your eyes have been crying."
JAKE: What are you talking about? Are you sad?
AMIR: I'm not sad! I'm devastated! "Number nine: laying supine! You're flat on the floor, calling your mother a whore through a more-than-locked door! Tears pour down my cheek because news flash: I'm weak!"
[In the background, Paul can be heard yelling at somebody. Jake and Amir look around]
PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Leave this office!
OTHER PERSON: Okay, okay--
[Jake turns his attention back to Amir.]
JAKE: Are you okay?
AMIR: I'm more than okay! I'm devastated! "Number eight: the food's been great! I don't mean to get rambly, but why don't you just have a barbecue with your fambly?"
JAKE: Fine. You know what? That one's nice. Stop reading the list. I responded to one; I'll follow it--
AMIR: "Number seven: whoa, have a nice time in Heaven! You thought that burger was bison? Nah. That burger was ricin! With a patty this thick, it can sedate a family of sick! And mamma mia, I've dumped a bottle of Visine in the sangria! Clear eyes, full farts? Can't booze!"
JAKE: You absolute monster, you're talking about poisoning your family.
AMIR: "Number six: I can fix this. '911? My dad's real sick! He's OD'd on Visine; it's the worst case that I've seen! Ohhh! You'll send an ambulance? That's perfect! Oh, what's my address? Sorry, motherfucker, you'll have to guess! Yeah!'"
JAKE: You depraved lunatic! Okay, you're talking about calling an ambulance in front of your dying family, and then not giving the EMT team the directions to your house? You'll-- you'll go to jail for that! I think you'd go to jail for even writing that!
AMIR: Oh no! Jail! Well, I have a plan that won't fail. "Number five: 'Keep me alive! I don't want your death penalty, Your Honor! It was a simple mistake! Does your yard need to be raked?'"
JAKE: Great, so your "plan that won't fail" is to publicly bribe a judge, [Amir grins smugly as Jake speaks] in a court of law, with a task that could easily do himself?
AMIR: "Number four: 'This yard work's a bore! I don't wanna do this chore!'"
JAKE: So in some miraculous turn of events, [Amir mock-cries by blinking and quivering his lip] the judge actually accepts your bribe in this fantasy world, and the way you repay fate for giving you this awesome favor [Amir grins and nods] is by being too lazy to rake a yard?
AMIR: "Number three:"
JAKE: Holy shit...
AMIR: "...fireworks for me! Head down to the local docks and watch the red, white, and blue o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! Our ancestors fought, bled, and even died for this country, and the least we can do is take a moment to celebrate their effort, to cherish what we have. Even if life isn't perfect-- you know, 'cause let's face it, whose is?-- just sit down and reflect. You know, you can make anything you want for yourself, and that's what America is; that's what makes it the greatest country in the world!"
JAKE: Okay. ...Okay!
AMIR: "Number two: take a poo. Right down there on the docks that you've been reflecting on, too! George Washington, you dreamy, dreamy oaf. Now lay down, open your mouth, and swallow my steamy, steamy loaf."
JAKE: ...I think you need to die.
[Amir makes a confused face.]
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: ...Excuse me?
JAKE: It's been six years, and you're getting worse. Okay? I think the world would just be... an infinitely better place if you weren't in it.
AMIR: Okay, [chuckles feebly] uh, "number one--"
JAKE: No. You shouldn't be allowed to breathe.
[Amir sits in silence, obviously hurt. He smiles weakly at Jake.]
AMIR: [choking up] Please let me finish.
JAKE: Please finish your life.
AMIR: You're upsetting me, dude--
JAKE: Be dead!
AMIR: [choking up] Uhhh, whoa-- [sobs, grabs his chest] --something's happening. I can't even-- I don't even know if I can finish the list at this point, because I am [sobs] short of breath or something! [sobbing, stammering] What d-- what d-- what d-- what did you do with this-- you put some weird, like, hex on me or something--
JAKE: No, you're just crying.
AMIR: [still crying] No, I'm more than crying! I'm like-- [sobbing to the point of hyperventilation] I don't know! It's indescribable, I'm like... [breaks down]
JAKE: Okay, well then you're sobbing.
AMIR: [still crying] No, n-- what is that? What is sobbing? I'm like-- [sobs] --scared-- [sobs] --and-- [breaks down again]
JAKE: Okay, why don't you just go home, okay?
AMIR: [still crying] I can't go home; I think-- I think I'll die in the subway, I'm like-- [sobbing uncontrollably] ...what did you do to me? You witch doctor!
JAKE: Just because I made you cry, you think I cast a spell on you?
AMIR: [still crying] Yeah! That's exactly what it is! You demon! You sorcerer! What is this black magic--
JAKE: Okay, I was kidding, alright?
[Amir immediately stops.]
AMIR: Oh... thank gosh.
JAKE: Holy shit.
AMIR: That was...
[Amir, shaken and seemingly lost for words, can't finish the sentence. Eventually he picks the scroll back up and resumes as if nothing had happened.]
AMIR: "--have fun in the sun..."
JAKE: Jesus.
END

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir, and if you think this is funny, [chuckles] keep watchin'!
JAKE: Oh my-- you suck.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir enters and sits down.]
AMIR: You're driving down the road; make sure to pay... the scroll!
[Amir unrolls a very thin, fragile-looking scroll. Jake doesn't react.]
AMIR: I got the cure for the common scroll!
[Jake still doesn't react.]
AMIR: Stop being such an ass-scroll.
JAKE: You know, I'm trying this new thing... where I ignore you, to see if that makes you--
AMIR: [reading from the scroll] "Top ten ways to celebrate this country's birthday, AKA: the Fourth of Julay!"
JAKE: Can you please not read to me from that flimsy, shitty little scroll?
AMIR: "Number ten:" [Jake shakes his head] "sit in a den! With the lights real dim by the couch that you're lying, nobody can tell that your eyes have been crying."
JAKE: What are you talking about? Are you sad?
AMIR: I'm not sad! I'm devastated! "Number nine: laying supine! You're flat on the floor, calling your mother a whore through a more-than-locked door! Tears pour down my cheek because news flash: I'm weak!"
[In the background, Paul can be heard yelling at Will (see Jake and Amir: Password)[1] . Amir looks up from his scroll, and he and Jake look around for the source of the commotion.]
PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Leave this office!
WILL: I can't! I can't, I can't!
[Jake turns his attention back to Amir.]
JAKE: Are you okay?
AMIR: I'm more than okay! I'm devastated! "Number eight: the food's been great! I don't mean to get rambly, but why don't you just have a barbecue with your fambly?"
JAKE: Fine. You know what? That one's nice. Stop reading the list. I responded to one; I'll follow it--
AMIR: "Number seven: whoa, have a nice time in Heaven! You thought that burger was bison? Nah. That burger was ricin! With a patty this thick, it can sedate a family of sick! And mamma mia, I've dumped a bottle of Visine in the sangria! Clear eyes, full farts? Can't booze!"
JAKE: You absolute monster, you're talking about poisoning your family.
AMIR: "Number six: I can fix this. '911? My dad's real sick! He's OD'd on Visine; it's the worst case that I've seen! Ohhh! You'll send an ambulance? That's perfect! Oh, what's my address? Sorry, motherfucker, you'll have to guess! Yeah!'"
JAKE: You depraved lunatic! Okay, you're talking about calling an ambulance in front of your dying family, and then not giving the EMT team the directions to your house? You'll-- you'll go to jail for that! I think you'd go to jail for even writing that!
AMIR: Oh no! Jail! Well, I have a plan that won't fail. "Number five: 'Keep me alive! I don't want your death penalty, Your Honor! It was a simple mistake! Does your yard need to be raked?'"
JAKE: Great, so your "plan that won't fail" is to publicly bribe a judge, [Amir grins smugly as Jake speaks] in a court of law, with a task that could easily do himself?
AMIR: "Number four: 'This yard work's a bore! I don't wanna do this chore!'"
JAKE: So in some miraculous turn of events, [Amir mock-cries by blinking and quivering his lip] the judge actually accepts your bribe in this fantasy world, and the way you repay fate for giving you this awesome favor [Amir grins and nods] is by being too lazy to rake a yard?
AMIR: "Number three:"
JAKE: Holy shit...
AMIR: "...fireworks for me! Head down to the local docks and watch the red, white, and blue o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! Our ancestors fought, bled, and even died for this country, and the least we can do is take a moment to celebrate their effort, to cherish what we have. Even if life isn't perfect-- you know, 'cause let's face it, whose is?-- just sit down and reflect. You know, you can make anything you want for yourself, and that's what America is; that's what makes it the greatest country in the world!"
JAKE: Okay. ...Okay!
AMIR: "Number two: take a poo. Right down there on the docks that you've been reflecting on, too! George Washington, you dreamy, dreamy oaf. Now lay down, open your mouth, and swallow my steamy, steamy loaf."
JAKE: ...I think you need to die.
[Amir makes a confused face.]
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: ...Excuse me?
JAKE: It's been six years, and you're getting worse. Okay? I think the world would just be... an infinitely better place if you weren't in it.
AMIR: Okay, [chuckles feebly] uh, "number one--"
JAKE: No. You shouldn't be allowed to breathe.
[Amir sits in silence, obviously hurt. He smiles weakly at Jake.]
AMIR: [choking up] Please let me finish.
JAKE: Please finish your life.
AMIR: You're upsetting me, dude--
JAKE: Be dead!
AMIR: [choking up] Uhhh, whoa-- [sobs, grabs his chest] --something's happening. I can't even-- I don't even know if I can finish the list at this point, because I am [sobs] short of breath or something! [sobbing, stammering] What d-- what d-- what d-- what did you do with this-- you put some weird, like, hex on me or something--
JAKE: No, you're just crying.
AMIR: [still crying] No, I'm more than crying! I'm like-- [sobbing to the point of hyperventilation] I don't know! It's indescribable, I'm like... [breaks down]
JAKE: Okay, well then you're sobbing.
AMIR: [still crying] No, n-- what is that? What is sobbing? I'm like-- [sobs] --scared-- [sobs] --and-- [breaks down again]
JAKE: Okay, why don't you just go home, okay?
AMIR: [still crying] I can't go home; I think-- I think I'll die in the subway, I'm like-- [sobbing uncontrollably] ...what did you do to me? You witch doctor!
JAKE: Just because I made you cry, you think I cast a spell on you?
AMIR: [still crying] Yeah! That's exactly what it is! You demon! You sorcerer! What is this black magic--
JAKE: Okay, I was kidding, alright?
[Amir immediately stops.]
AMIR: Oh... thank gosh.
JAKE: Holy shit.
AMIR: That was...
[Amir, shaken and seemingly lost for words, can't finish the sentence. Eventually he picks the scroll back up and resumes as if nothing had happened.]
AMIR: "--have fun in the sun..."
JAKE: Jesus.
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: And [singing] I dream of California--
JAKE: Oh my God. Your voice sucks.
AMIR: Sorry.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Suddenly the first few seconds of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" begin playing out of Amir's speakers, and then it abruptly stops again.]
JAKE: You asshole.
AMIR: [with milk and Oreos spilling out of his mouth, mostly unintelligible] Gotcha! [laughing maniacally] Ahh, [unintelligible, sounds like "you just Rickrolled face"], bitch!
JAKE: You unbelievable dick!
AMIR: What?
JAKE: Swallow your food.
AMIR: Swallow your pride!
JAKE: You just Rickrolled an email thread of people planning a funeral, man!
AMIR: Relax, dude! it's a meme!
JAKE: It's a meme.
AMIR: You're not gonna make me feel bad about this.
JAKE: ...Why not?
AMIR: 'Cause it was a joke! Have you ever heard of pushing the envelope? Oooh! Have you ever seen Hall Pass?
JAKE: Is that a risque comedy?
AMIR: No, I just realized I rented it yesterday from a Redbox for a buck, and I don't have a place to watch it.
[Another employee gets Rickrolled by Amir's email, and throws his headphones down in anger.]
JAKE: Don't open his email, everybody.
AMIR: Y'all just got Punk'd! [chuckles]
[A pair of scissors flies past Amir's head.]
AMIR: Whoa! Who threw the scissors? Not cool!
JAKE: You know what's not cool, is you replying all to this email thread where we're mourning and planning Amanda Ferri's funeral, [Amir rolls his eyes] and saying, "I think these flowers are wild and playful, much like Amanda was. I believe these dragon lilies capture not only her essence, but also her spirit." [Amir takes a swig of milk] "They're a tad bit on the pricey side, but she was more than worth it." And then the link is a Rickroll.
[Will walks up, in tears.]
WILL: You monster. You trash man.
JAKE: Will.
WILL: I know. It's not my place.
[Will leaves.]
AMIR: Okay. You know that guy eats his own shit? Why aren't more people talking about that?
JAKE: Focus.
AMIR: ...I hope you die next.
JAKE: Excuse me?
AMIR: [doing a bizarre accent] Excuse you? Yeah, excuse you? ...Yeah, excuse you! [normally] ...What are you talking about?
JAKE: What did you just say to me?
AMIR: I said I hope you die next!
JAKE: [shaking his head] ...And that's okay?
AMIR: I'm serious, man, and I have a weird premonition about this kind of shit. I mean, look at this last text message that I sent Amanda.
[Amir holds his phone up for Jake to read, and burps loudly.]
JAKE: "Sleep well, my sweet angel"? You sent that yesterday, and she died three days ago.
AMIR: Yeah, but I didn't know that!
JAKE: Yes you did.
AMIR: Prove it!
JAKE: The email that you sent, on the same exact thread! [Amir laughs silently as milk spills down his chin] "I'm so sorry to hear about Amanda. This is more than a shock; it's a downright shame--" that's not more than a shock, by the way. It's just different. [Amir eats some more Oreos.] Then you continue: "If you need to smile in this hour of need, I urge you to read about this meme I found called Rickrolling."
AMIR: [half an Oreo falling out of his mouth] It's called a mèmè!
JAKE: No, it's not. You continue: "There are many funny videos online of people being rolled by Rick at inopportune times... actually, that gives me an idea."
AMIR: The rest... is comedy present, past, and fut--
[Amir is interrupted when another pair of scissors is thrown and impales him in the neck.]
JAKE: Oh!
AMIR: Ohh! ...Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Oh, did it get me?
JAKE: Oh, it got you!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
JAKE: Aaah!
AMIR: Aaah!
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Alright, trick, don't kill my vibe.
JAKE: Stop it.
AMIR: I'm serious!
START
AMIR: I'm on a bus and, it's going fast and...
JAKE: You know the only reason we're on this bus is cause you got us kicked off the train for pretending to be a conductor.
AMIR: That's not how the rap goes.
AMIR: I feel like busses are for people who can't afford shit. Like whips and shit.
JAKE: I don't know where you get this false sense of entitlement, but you also can't afford shit.
AMIR: Yeah well except my dad had an Audi. So thanks for playing!
JAKE: He had an Audi?
AMIR: Yeah, he really did, he had an Audi!
JAKE: Like he used to own an Audi?
AMIR: No like he leased an Audi. Leased to own an Audi.
JAKE: What you did was a felony.
AMIR: Oh no, lock me up and throw away the key!
JAKE: That's what they would do!
AMIR: Really? That's bad news actually cause I wouldn't last a day in jail.
JAKE: You stood outside the train yelling "all awhored," and then once the doors shut you said "Everyone listen up this is an emergency, there's Anthrax on the train, take off all your clothes."
AMIR: It was a goof!
JAKE: You're a goof.
AMIR: Excuse me. I have very thick skin but that was a low blow.
JAKE: You're a goof?
AMIR: ENOUGH!
(Amir is flashing his nipples outside the window)
JAKE: Hey, hey, that's a toddler dude!
AMIR: This is what's up. This is why I don't needs to rides the bus.
JAKE: You know you're currently on the bus, which is, you know, not a great place to brandish your eleven dollars.
AMIR: I flaunts it cause I don't needs it. And I don't give a sh- OH! OH NO!
JAKE: What are you listening to?
AMIR: IT'S NIGGERS IN PARIS. NIGGERS IN-
JAKE: I GOT IT.
JAKE: The police showed up and you said you were a Jon Stewart type comedian making a point about subway culture. You said you were a political activist rising up against this see something, say nothing bull sheeite. A mix between Che Guevara, Bam Margera, and Dom Irrera. And then you said "I'm part of the sixty-nine percent." And when nobody laughed, you started crying.
AMIR: Do you know what that means? I feel like if you knew what that meant, the sixty-nine thing, you'd be cracking up.
JAKE: I know what that is.
AMIR: Not the number, ass. It's a sex thing. Okay, it's when a girl eats your butt. Sixty-nine.
AMIR: You're poor. You're poor. Y'all are poor. And I'm a rich bitch.
JAKE: You're a bitch?
AMIR: I'm not a bitch. I'm rich.
AMIR: How's your summer been?
JAKE: Fine.
AMIR: Fine. I knew you'd give a fricken' one word answer and I knew you'd say fine, and to prove it, I wrote it down on a piece of paper before I left my apartment this morning. Exhibit A!
JAKE: This says "Urinals are for pee-pee, toilets are for doo-doo."
AMIR: Other side then.
JAKE: It's a bunch of drafts of one liners. The last one being "I'm the sixty-nine percent."
AMIR: Wrong note then.
JAKE: Yeah! Yeah it is, I can't believe you thought this said fine.
AMIR: Wrong note I said!
JAKE (At the same time Amir is speaking): There's so many words. You thought it said fine? You thought there was a chance-
AMIR (At the same time Jake is speaking): You already embarrassed me. You already ashamed me.
AMIR: Raise your hand if you think I have social issues!
JAKE: You know, can you really not just sit still?
JAKE: I told the officers you had a personality disorder, and they almost let us go but then you stole a billy club and hit a policeman in the shin with it. You said "Score one for the Hurwitz brothers! If you don't like our power, take it from us with brute force." That's when we were both tased.
AMIR: Why are you rehashing this shit? Alright, I was there.
JAKE: I know you were there.
AMIR: So you don't have to repeat it okay, just move on!
JAKE: Ok, fine, I'm-
AMIR: MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON! (People on the bus start to chant) MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON!
JAKE: HOW CAN YOU START CHANTS THIS EASILY?

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir! When you're here, it's like every--
JAKE: Time's up.
AMIR: Yeah, okay. Sorry.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir approaches with his arm around Michael Fink, leading him towards Jake.]
AMIR: [singing reverently] Make way, for Shia the Beef! [laughs]
JAKE: Hey--
AMIR: [speaking, but still maintaining a tempo] Hey, you! Clear the way! It's an A-list star! Yes, you! Out of the way, it's an A-list star!
JAKE: You just rhymed "star" with "star"?
AMIR: I'm just flustered because I'm around a frickin' celebutante! Yeah, Shia the frickin' Beef, in the flesh! You're looking at a quadruple-threat, motherfucker! [begins counting down on his fingers for emphasis] Film star! Movie star! TV star! And guess what? [makes a popping sound with his mouth] He's got an Instagram!
JAKE: Does he really?
AMIR: Not yet, but you're looking at a social media team, [gestures to Mike and himself] and you'd better believe that's top-notch number-one priority.
JAKE: You know you have an actual job here, right?
AMIR: Not for long!
JAKE: You're probably right-- also, how does having an Instagram make him a quadruple-threat?
AMIR: I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now! You're sitting in the king's throne! Up, or off with your head!
JAKE: This is my desk.
MIKE: [pointing behind himself] I can sit over there...
AMIR: No! Nonsense, sir! And I'm really sorry you have to see me like this, but please, Jake! Immediately! Get the fuck up! This is Shia the fuckin' Beef!
JAKE: You know, I think you actually like when he sees you like this. I think you get off on it, 'cause you act this way every single time Mike Fink-- by the way, not Shia LaBeouf-- comes to the office.
AMIR: "Mike Fink", right? "John Doe"? Okay? We don't have to use alii. We're friends here, and Shia, by the way, you're not foolin' anyone, okay? I can smell Megan Fox's naked box on your bated breath, and guess what? [imitates cunnilingus with his fingers] It tastes good!
JAKE: Don't do that.
AMIR: Don't tell me what to do; only one person can tell me what to do, and he's standing right here. [points to Mike]
MIKE: Yeah, you really shouldn't do that.
AMIR: Then I won't.
JAKE: Why do you think he's Shia LaBeouf? Why do you think that?
AMIR: Chia the frickin' Bean! Get it right or pay the price.
JAKE: You're mispronouncing it.
[Will suddenly appears and runs up to Mike.]
WILL: Excuse me? Mister LaBeouf? I know it's not my place, but could I trouble you for an autograph?
MIKE: ...Sure...
[Mike takes Will's marker, and writes "MIKE" on his paper. Will grabs the paper excitedly and runs away.]
AMIR: Now do you believe me?
JAKE: What, 'cause Will asked for an autograph?
AMIR: Yeah!
JAKE: That guy eats his own shit.
AMIR: Low blow!
JAKE: How so?
AMIR: Hell no! Shia, please! Enlighten the man!
MIKE: My name is Mike, and I'm not a celebrity.
AMIR: ...Wow! [pause] Ever humble, even though this motherfucker starred in Holes, then went on to fill up Megan Fox's holes! I'm serious, dude! You gotta tell me about that shit! I want the deets! I have such a crush on her.
JAKE: This is so inappropriate for work!
AMIR: Wow, Jake's never been to Hollywood, Nollywood, nor Bollywood. And it's clear to me that Megan Fox jumped on your jolly wood, and rode that dolly good!
JAKE: Will you please let Mike work?
AMIR: I will! And I'll help him work; in fact, I want to be your Johnny Drama and your Turtle. If there's anything you need, I'm your man. I might be a vegetarian, but tonight... I'm eating Beef!
JAKE: You're not a vegetarian.
AMIR: That's actually a good point: we should release a sex tape.
JAKE: I didn't say that.
AMIR: No no no, something tasteful at first-- you know, a little kissy-kissy, a little anal-- and then, when people aren't ready for it, boom! We hit 'em with the big one! We're viral!
JAKE: What's tasteful about kissy-kissy and then going to anal?
AMIR: Kissy-kissy! [makes kissing noises] Kissy-kissy!
JAKE: Anal.
AMIR: ...Oh.
JAKE: If anal is tasteful to you, what's "the big one"?
[Will walks up behind them with brown smears around his mouth.]
WILL: Uh, sorry, could I get a selfie?
[Will holds out his phone to take a picture of himself with Mike.]
JAKE: Hey, Will, what were you eating?
WILL: Uh... [takes the picture] my own shit, actually.
END

INTRO
AMIR: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
JAKE: Not enough time.
AMIR: I was done.
JAKE: Not enough information, then.
LIZ: Oh wow, so I guess that's why they call it the blues.
JAKE: That's great. Alright. Thank you very much Liz, we're gonna definitely be in touch.
LIZ: Okay.
GIRL ON COUCH: We're hoping to let everybody know by Friday.
LIZ: Thank you.
AMIR: Though if you ask me? We already found our leading lady.
JAKE: Well yeah thanks again, and could you just let the next person know that we're ready?
LIZ: Yeah.
AMIR: We gotta go through the whole dog and pony show of at least seeing everybody, but I assure you it is more than a done deal I think we can all agree. Promise us you'll keep monday open?
LIZ: Uh, I have a doctor's appointment.
AMIR: Cancel it. Sweetheart. Please. Okay? You're as healthy as a clam. We will call you.
LIZ: Okay.
AMIR: Never. Holy shit, that was awful right?
JAKE: She's still close enough to hear you.
AMIR: NEXT!
GIRL 2: Oh wow, so I guess that's why they call it the blues.
AMIR: How does it feel like? I'm serious, how does it feel like?
JAKE: Bad english bud.
GIRL 2: Excuse me?
AMIR: I'm serious. I musta been to like, what, a million of these?
JAKE: You never come to these.
AMIR: And I've only ever seen one person ever have it, as much as you currently do. Okay? And uh, Elisabeth Shue turned out alright.
GIRL ON COUCH: What?
AMIR: I want you to walk out. Walk out right now with your head held high because you just won a goddamn beauty pageant and a talent show all in one. (Singing) There she goes, Miss Americ-NO. That was... What was that? NEXT!
PATRICIA: Oh wow, so that's why they call it the blues.
JAKE: Great. Thanks. Bye.
AMIR (Speaking too loud): Not another goddamn step you beautiful bombshell bitch.
JAKE: Wow.
AMIR: Yeah, you Jessica Rabbit meets Jessica Biel A-list (bleep). Patricia? Do me a favor. Remember this moment. Can you do me that solid? Can you remember this moment? Can you remember this time and place? Can you remember what you see and feel? Okay? Because this is the last second of your life that you are in a goddamn A-list fucking (bleep).
GIRL ON COUCH: Jesus.
AMIR: Yeah. I want you to take the scenic route home. I really do, I want you to waltz downstairs, go to the book library, the food store, whatever the FUCK it is you do, and I want you to soak in (inhales deeply) breathe in that privacy for the last FUCKING time, because after this week, after the people see what the performance that you just gave to us for the first time, and honestly, I feel treasured that I got to see it first, your life, as you know it, is completely changed, and I don't think everybody can handle it but I really think you can. Because honestly? You're a goddamn Elisabeth Shue to me. She is. Like I know I've said it before, but like, now I actually mean it. Thank you.
PATRICIA: Did I get the part?
JAKE: Maybe, not necessarily. We're gonna call you.
AMIR: You more than got the part! You got our hearts. Namaste. (Patricia leaves the room) And more importantly. We've got toilet paper. For our farts! Thanks Patricia! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, wipeout!
JAKE: Oh my god, there's actual shit on that bud.
AMIR: Dammit.
JAKE: How?
AMIR: I'm aloof!
JAKE: That's not what that means, and ya know what dude, can you do us a favor? Please, can you not tell every single girl that they got the part? Because we're the ones that have to call them, and tell them that they didn't. Besides, I wrote Elton John Blows Papa Smurf, okay? You shouldn't even be here.
AMIR: Fine. Relax.
JAKE: Alright.
AMIR (Mumbled): Queen.
JAKE: What?
AMIR: Nothing.
JAKE: What did you just say?
AMIR: I called you a queen. And you know what? Sure all these girls might not have all gotten the part, but you know what at least they felt like a star for half a minute. And yeah, they'll come crashing back to reality when you tell them the truth, but isn't it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
(All the girls outside start clapping)
JAKE: Nope. Don't clap. He said it in a cool way but he couldn't be more wrong.
AMIR (Speaking to the girls outside): Good news guys. You all got the lead. Every last one of you!
LIZ: Ugh, what's that smell?
AMIR: I'm aloof!
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: And my lucky number is sixty-nine! [chuckles]
JAKE: Get out.
AMIR: Okay.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir's nose is still scarred beyond recognition from his nose job.]
AMIR: Oh! Got a spell of good news in an otherwise... quite shitty week.
JAKE: I'd say so; looks like your nose is falling off.
AMIR: I don't have to be nice to anyone anymore.
JAKE: You're not nice to anybody now.
AMIR: Yeah, well now I'm rich about it!
JAKE: ...What does that even mean?
AMIR: Ever heard of the lottery, jackass?
JAKE: Yes.
AMIR: Well I just found out about it yesterday!
JAKE: Then you know what? You're the jackass!
AMIR: Either way, I just won the goddamn jackpot! So call me whatever you want. [chuckles]
JAKE: Why do you think you won the lottery, jackass?
AMIR: [picking at the scabs on his nose] Enough with the name-calling!
JAKE: Can you please--
AMIR: I'm serious.
JAKE: --not pick at that?
AMIR: I'm not trying to! It obviously itches like a bitches!
JAKE: Okay, well just let it heal!
AMIR: Either way, I'm serious about the lottery thing, man. I-- I beat the system on that; I really did.
JAKE: How.
AMIR: Well, you know how everyone only buys one lottery ticket?
JAKE: ...No?
AMIR: [singing, holding up two tickets] Well I got tree, I got tree, tell the world, that I got... tree! [flicks his tongue in between the tickets]
[Jake doesn't respond.]
AMIR: Ass!
JAKE: You know you're holding two?
AMIR: Ass! Ass!
JAKE: It's two.
AMIR: You wouldn't have laughed even if I s--
JAKE: That's not three.
AMIR: That's why you're not laughing? 'Cause I said two?
JAKE: Yeah! Because you know what--
AMIR: Or is it because-- because everything I say doesn't make you laugh?
JAKE: --winning the lottery is, like, one in two hundred million! What are your numbers?
AMIR: Because you have a bias against me.
JAKE: What are your numbers?
AMIR: Excuse me?
JAKE: What are the numbers? We'll check right now to see if you won. First ticket. Go.
AMIR: What do you mean, "first ticket"? They're both the same "winning" combination on each ticket! Why win one lottery... [holds up three fingers] when you can win tree?
JAKE: So you know what three is? Right? 'Cause that one's got three, this one's got two-- you know what? Forget it. You bought multiple lottery tickets with the same combination?
AMIR: The same winning combination! [picks at his scabs] There's a difference.
JAKE: There's not. What are the numbers?
AMIR: 1, 18, 22, 27, 38, Powerball... tree! As in "I just won the lottery tree times".
JAKE: Jesus Christ, you won.
AMIR: I know. I know.
JAKE: Please, this isn't fair! Alright? You have to understand-- this is the most insanely lucky thing that's happened to anybody, ever.
AMIR: Not luck, okay? Strategy!
JAKE: No, it wasn't strategy! Okay? Just-- jump up and down, be happy, at least act shocked. Okay? You noseless ass!
AMIR: Oh, excuse me! What's that supposed to mean? Is that some kind of dig at my nose?
JAKE: Yes! Obviously! It wasn't thinly veiled!
AMIR: I can't handle this right now! I gotta go back to the store and get the numbers on these tickets to match the one on the site!
JAKE: Great, so they don't match right now.
AMIR: Not right now! But I have a feeling if a guy who just won three hundred and thirty-three million dollars waltzed in there, [picking at his scabs] they'll pretty much do whatever the hell he asks them to.
JAKE: Can you please just focus on getting your face better and stop scratching your nose?
AMIR: It just itches a lot, okay? But it's fine!
JAKE: Hey-- hey, it-- but-- no, there's a family of spiders crawling out of there.
AMIR: [with spiders on his nose] Oh my God!
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Unless...
JAKE: They are.
AMIR: Okay.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is holding a paper plate in front of his face. It has a smiling face drawn on it. Jake doesn't say anything. Cut back to Amir, whose plate-face is now angry. Jake still doesn't say anything. Amir's plate no longer has a face, instead reading "ASS". He throws the plate down, clearly frustrated.]
AMIR: [mouthing] Ass.
[Jake gestures in acknowledgement.]
AMIR: Question: do you think Peyton Manning gets paid to do these Papa John's commercials, or does he just, like, love pizza and shit?
[Jake doesn't respond.]
AMIR: And no answer from the peanut gallery! [saluting] Salut! So I will just assume--
JAKE: He gets paid.
AMIR: I know. Never mind.
JAKE: Okay. For the record, I did answer the question, unequivocally.
AMIR: I know he gets paid, ass. It just seems real or some shit, like he frickin' loves the pizza.
JAKE: So you think he did the ad... just because he loves pizza? Not because Papa John's paid him money?
AMIR: Forget it.
JAKE: Forget it 'cause you're dumb?
AMIR: [yelling] Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about... ass!
JAKE: Stop saying "ass" so much. Okay? You're using it as a crutch, and it's not as funny as you think it is. Just... go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be. Alright?
AMIR: In the ads, ass, Peyton Manning is borderline obsessed with these-- these-- these pizza pies! I mean, it-- it's insane, it's sick! He's, like, chowing down on them!
JAKE: Are you concerned?
AMIR: He's gonna, like, choke, he's eating them so fast! I swear to God!
JAKE: Alright, so Derek Jeter rides around in a Ford Escape. Do you think Derek Jeter loves Ford?
AMIR: [yelling] That's what I'm asking you!
JAKE: Focus on something different, for the day.
AMIR: Fine. [pause] Eli Manning for sure loves Dunkin' Donuts, okay?
JAKE: Stop it--
AMIR: That much at least is true!
JAKE: --just-- stop! What did I just tell you--
AMIR: Yes yes yes! For sure, for sure, for sure! Whether he got paid for that ad in-- in donuts or money--
JAKE: Money! Absolutely, he got cash for that!
AMIR: [pointing at Jake] Want to know how I know he loves donuts? Do you want to know how I know he loves donuts?
JAKE: I resent you pointing at me.
AMIR: Do you want to know how I know he loves donuts?
JAKE: You couldn't possibly know.
AMIR: [smiling, pointing at his face, talking in a singsong tone] The proof is in the smile! ...Dipshit!
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: [in falsetto] Because he's smiling in the ad! Yeah! And people only smile when they're happy. Unless... did I miss a memo? That-- [stammering] that-- that frowns means happy?
JAKE: Peyton's smiling in his ad too!
AMIR: Which means he loves pizza from Papa John's! Mystery solved! That wasn't too hard...
JAKE: Don't say it.
AMIR: [drawn out] ...ass!
JAKE: The mystery is not solved. Alright? You think Peyton Manning's maybe smiling 'cause he got paid, like, a billion dollars for that ad?
AMIR: Whoa, a billion!
JAKE: --million--
AMIR: Can I quote you on that? No no no, I should email Business Insider, because hey-- that's breaking news! That's, like, the biggest athlete endorsement ever!
JAKE: Just shut up.
AMIR: Hey everyone, gather 'round! Big news! Jake thinks that Peyton Manning got paid a billion dollars to be in an advertisement for Papa John! [Amir spits the word "Papa" violently.]
JAKE: ...Who?
AMIR: [pantomiming holding a gun, imitating gunfire] Pa-pa-pa-John!
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: Pa-pa-John!
JAKE: What is this?
AMIR: Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa John.
[Will chimes in.]
WILL: Idiot.
JAKE: Excuse me?
WILL: Idiot!
JAKE: Will, you eat your own shit. Yeah. [Will shakes his head.] D-- what? What? What is that face? You eat your own shit. I think that's the idiot move. Also, he thought Peyton did the commercials for free.
WILL: Peyton Manning owns twenty-one Papa John's restaurants, so he probably did do the commercials for free!
JAKE: ...Forget it.
AMIR: Forget it because you're dumb?
JAKE: Forget it 'cause you don't know what the fuck you're talking about... ass!
AMIR: You're the ass, ass!
JAKE: You're the ass, ass!
AMIR: Ass!
JAKE: Ass!
AMIR: Ass!
JAKE: Ass!
[They pause.]
JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Ass!
END

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
JAKE: You're wearing a dress.
AMIR: It's fancy!
[Jake comes in and sits down at his desk. Amir leans on Jake's desk. For a moment, nothing happens, then they simultaneously start talking.]
JAKE: Do you want to s--
AMIR: We should do that again-- ...what?
JAKE: Do you want to sit at your desk?
AMIR: I'm happy.
JAKE: We just got breakfast.
AMIR: This was a good morning for me; first in a while, actually. In fact, [standing up] permission to hug the shit out of you, sir?
JAKE: Denied.
[Amir pulls Jake in towards him by the head, then stares off into the middle distance and keeps talking.]
AMIR: Sharing a meal with you was--
JAKE: You know, I told you not to act so proud.
AMIR: [petting Jake's head] Amazeballs! Yeah! It really was amazeballs, for lack of a better term. You know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. [laughs] Try my life.
JAKE: [breaking free from Amir's grip] Alright.
AMIR: [visibly taken aback] ...Cool it.
JAKE: What did I say? If you don't turn it into such a big deal, may--
AMIR: I'm high on you!
JAKE: See that? That's the kind of shit that makes me not want to get breakfast together.
AMIR: [talking very fast, intermittently screaming] You're right. [chuckles] I'm sorry-- woo! I just-- [laughs] --I had all this positive energy pent up and I had to, like, let it out in one-- one, one-- one primal scream! But, uh, okay. Now I'm done! We're good--
JAKE: Okay, you're still screaming. Alright? [Amir is rubbing his hands together restlessly] Please, just... chill out. You're shaking!
AMIR: [hands trembling and cupped around his mouth] I'm rather glad.
[Amir turns and addresses Pat, who is across the room examining a binder.]
AMIR: Pat! My main man! [laughs] What'd you do for breakfast today?
PAT: Oh! Um... actually, it's-- it's a pretty sad story. Um, as you know, my dad... is not feeling well; he's sick, he's very sick--
AMIR: I ate with Jake! I ate with Jake, I ate with Jake, I ate with Jake, and I don't care who knows it!
JAKE: I do. I care who knows it. And you know what? We didn't even eat breakfast together. I was in line at Starbucks and you stood behind me eating loose egg salad out of a plastic bag!
AMIR: [pauses, then bursts out laughing] I love that! Breakfast club is nothing if not ribbing on each other! [still cheery] Cool it with the name-calling though, 'cause I'm secretly depressed about that kind of shit.
JAKE: First of all, I didn't even call you a name just now. Second, you're not secretly depressed about anything. You're outwardly depressed about it. The barista called you "hun" and you started crying!
AMIR: [making a kazoo-like humming sound with his nose as he talks] "Hum"? Like my nose emits a humming noise? Excuse me, but I have a deviated septum about that kind of shit! Where does she get off calling me that, that-- that queen, that diva, that roach?
JAKE: Why do you think she said "hum"? By the way, you name-call a lot, for someone who doesn't like it.
AMIR: [still humming] I hate it when it's used on me. I like it when it's used on other people... dillweed!
JAKE: No, I know! I'm just pointing out how hypocritical you are-- close your mouth-- okay? You're dumb, and you're mean, and... and your nose does emit a humming noise!
AMIR: [humming] And time! Congratulations, you've ruined the warming glow of breakfast by ten AM! Hey, it's a new record, bud!
JAKE: Look how fast you turned on me. How quickly you went from happy to sad. [Amir is suddenly happy] From calm to angry. [Amir is suddenly angry again] Is that normal?
AMIR: [humming] Maybe.
JAKE: I don't think it is. I think you should just try to be nice, and quiet, for five minutes in a row. Right now.
AMIR: And then you'll take me to lunch?
JAKE: Yes. Fine. If you're quiet for five minutes, I will take you to lunch.
AMIR: You're on.
PAT: Sorry, uh-- did you... want to know about my dad, still?
AMIR: Quiet, dork!
JAKE: You lost it, Hum.
AMIR: [slowly being drowned out by his own nasal hum] Noooooooo!
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Who wants free comedy?
JAKE: Ass.
AMIR: [laughing] Alright.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir comes in with a paper package and an umbrella.]
JAKE: It's not raining outside.
AMIR: Hey, check this out. I, uh... made my own bread last night?
JAKE: Are you asking me a question?
AMIR: [suddenly out of breath] Yeah, I just figured, uh, why not? [unwrapping and holding up a loaf of bread] I've been, uh, interested in that... kind of thing for a while now, so... ta-dah!
JAKE: Wow... okay. [gives a thumbs-up] Nice, bud.
AMIR: [still out of breath] Yeah, last night for dinner, I was, uh, jonesing for, like, a grilled cheese sandwich, you know. So I open the door and I just see, like, uh, cheddar?
JAKE: Just make them sentences instead of questions. Statements, okay? [Amir nods] You're telling me a story; you're not asking me.
AMIR: And I had, um... [pause] tomatoes?
JAKE: ...Did you have it or not? I don't know.
AMIR: I had tomatoes?
JAKE: Okay?
AMIR: But hey! No bread, so I, uh... [long pause] I open the fridge, and I'm like "You know what, Jake"--
JAKE: --"Amir"--
AMIR: --"Jake, today's the day... today's the day you finally... you figure it out. You figure it out, and you get it done." So, uh... let me cut you off a slice, huh? [grabbing a knife]
JAKE: You know what? I-- you know, I appreciate the offer. I actually am just not that hungry.
AMIR: [sawing the bread loaf] Come on, please? It'll mean a lot to me if you... try a slice!
JAKE: No, I know it would mean a lot to you. That's one of the reasons I don't want to try the bread.
AMIR: [still sawing] I'm curious to see what you think about it.
JAKE: I wish you were less curious.
AMIR: [holding the bread off the table, still sawing] Whether you like it or not is actually what I'm most curious about!
JAKE: Right, of course. I know.
[Amir finishes cutting a slice of bread. He hands it to Jake.]
AMIR: Here you go. Careful, it is hard.
[Amir drops the bread, and it makes a clanking sound. Jake picks it up.]
JAKE: ...Why?
AMIR: Sometimes bread comes out like that.
[Jake tries to bite into the bread, and fails.]
JAKE: Ow! Really hard.
AMIR: Well, it's a work in progress, sure, okay, but there's a learning curve.
JAKE: This is chalk!
AMIR: That is uncalled for! It is chalky, to be sure, but there are some redeeming characteristics.
JAKE: No, like this bread is legitimately chalk! I mean-- [pulls out a chalkboard, draws on it using the bread] --look!
AMIR: Enough! More than enough, actually, okay? There's constructive criticism, and then there's this-- this-- this-- this-- this poison that you say to me...
JAKE: This bread is poison!
AMIR: Do you like it... or not?
JAKE: Like it? I can't even bring myself to bite into it! This slice alone is the density of a brick! I mean, it's amazing!
AMIR: Appreciated!
JAKE: Never a compliment.
AMIR: Alright, here: try it with some of this homemade jam! [Handing Jake a plastic container with a live rabbit sitting in it] Yeah! Just spread that liberally on the chalk-- or, bread. [laughing] Now you have me saying "chalk", ya dingbat!
JAKE: How?
AMIR: No-- I don't know how! You said "chalk", and then suddenly I'm saying "chalk" instead of "bread". It's a whole thing.
JAKE: No, I mean, like, how do you have this? How do you think it's jam?
AMIR: It is jam! You just press its head against the bread-- not chalk mind you-- [laughs] and then you use a knife to sort of squeeze its little jam insides out of its anus onto the cha-- [pause] bread, oh my God, I hate you!
[Jake stares, dumbfounded, at Amir.]
AMIR: Here! Here! Give me that-- give me that rabbit jam. I'll show you.
JAKE: No! I will not!
AMIR: Excuse you.
JAKE: Excuse you!
AMIR: No, excuse you!
JAKE: Absolutely excuse you!
AMIR: Give me the rabbit back, my friend.
[Jake gets up and leaves with the rabbit.]
AMIR: Hey-- hey! Get-- that guy's getting away with my jam! Get back here, you thief!
[Amir picks up the remaining loaf and throws it at Jake. He misses and hits Rosie in the head.]
ROSIE: Ahh!
AMIR: Oh!
DAVE: [kneeling by Rosie's corpse] He's dead...
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Or you can press stop and sta...
JAKE: [interupts] Yeah, why would you say that?
AMIR: I'm just saying, it's an option
[Jake is chilling on a couch. Amir enters the room abruptely and bluntly sits down next to him, while he is looking on an iPhone]
AMIR: Aah, dating apps! Rollcall! Go!
JAKE: Is that a first generation iPhone?
AMIR: I have 'Tinder', 'Hinge', 'Grindr', 'Minge', 'OKCupid', 'OKStupid', 'Whatsapp'..
JAKE: That's not a dating application!
AMIR: They're all dating applications, if you know how to be a pimp! [tilts iPhone, smirkingly]
AMIR: The only app that's worth a damn on here is 'Grindr', I'm actually 10 for 10 on that shit! Huh, it works perfectly, if you don't mind who fucks you and where.
JAKE: Has it ever been a girl?
AMIR: Not as of yet, nay!
AMIR: [scrolling through iPhone] I'm on 'match.com', but it says I'm 0% compatible with everybody!
JAKE: I definitely believe that! Your profile says that you're anti-abortion, pro-guncontrol, neonazi-liberal-lesbian rabbi.
JAKE: What do you mean 'where'?
AMIR: Like an alley... or... my face.
AMIR: So 'Hinge' is like 'Tinder', but it relies on you to have facebook friends, of which I have none!
JAKE: Oh my god!
AMIR: Yeah, luckily for me I fucked the creator at the launch party. Huhu
JAKE: Is that true?
AMIR: That I went to the launch party? [long pause, staring at Jake] No!
AMIR: Thoughts on this guy? [Amir shows Jake the iPhone screen] Would you let him...
JAKE: [finishes Amir's sentence] ...fuck my face?
AMIR: Excuse you!
AMIR: I have a 'Tumblr' lately. Yeah, I reblog hot chicks in the art scene and sort of neg their shit! I say I'm a gallery owner, so they respect my negative opines.
JAKE: You're such an evil guy.
AMIR: You're just pissed, 'cause it works!
JAKE: Does it?
AMIR: Not really, no, but you'd know that when you called me evil, did ya?
[Amir pretends to hit Jake in the face, it doesn't make him flinch at all]
AMIR: Oh, made ya flinch!
[Jake pretends to hit Amir in the face, it is very effective, Amir screams softly, with his eyes shut]
AMIR: I lost a nut! How does that even happen, right? I, I swear I'm having the weirdest year. Ha
[jumps back to previous scene after Amir flinches, he is now full out crying. Jake is just sitting there double-facepalming]
AMIR: [crying, talking weepingly with eyes shut] I was so afraid! I thought you were gonna hit me, but more afraid of the pain. I was really afraid of how that punch would change us. How it would effect us going forward as friends.
AMIR: Actually met a girl on 'MySpace', invited her back to my Place, to sit on my face. Hehe
JAKE: Did that work?
AMIR: Absolutely not! Much to my disgrace! Huhu She, erm... She sued me! Which... [long pause] ...was bad!
JAKE: Sorry, who's this guy, that keeps on calling you? [pointing at iPhone] 'Ryan Don't Pick Up'?
AMIR: Na, I just met his wife on 'AshleyMadison.com', hu.
JAKE: The extra-marital affair site?
AMIR: It wasn't really that site, as much as it was 'Yelp'. She left a not so stellar review on this diner that I frequent, so I messaged her and begged her to open an 'AshleyMadison' account. I gave her access to my PayPal address and eh, she is not using it responsibly! Bitch is bleeding me dry and her husband is threatening me on the daily with bodily harm! I guess that's why I'm single! [he says, satirically] Hehe
JAKE: Yes! It is.
AMIR: Chill! Chill with that, those nasty asides!
AMIR: The trick is to join these, 'cause you're feeling lonely.
JAKE: That's not a trick.
[a blonde young woman enters]
CINDY: Hey, A.. Amir? Hi, I, I'm Cindy from Christian 'Mingle'
AMIR: Well, I'm Christian from single mingle...
CINDY: Bye!
[turns around, disgusted]
AMIR: Wait!
END

INTRO

AMIR: Bonjour you're watching Jaques un Ami.

JAKE: We're in New mexico!

AMIR: Oui

---

[Jake and Amir are somewhere in New Mexico. Music similar to Breaking Bad plays as they cook macaroni and cheese with spam.]

[Cut to: they are both sitting and eating.]

JAKE: How?

Amir: Easily how!

Jake: How?

Amir: Dinosaurs, better movie!

Jake: That doesn't make it a better movie than Jurassic park 1.

Amir: Yeah, every sequel is better than the original.

Jake: That's usually the opposite.

Amir: Oh, no... you're wrong. [Amir laughs for too long]

Jake: Easy with the laughing [giggles uncomfortably]

[Amir keeps laughing]

Jake: Yeah that's pretty good.

[Amir slams table in laughter]

Jake: Alright buddy [mumbles] let's stop

[Amir continues to laugh uncontrollably]

Jake: No, keep it down, come on its funny it's, it's pretty funny

Amir: What?

Jake: It's funny

Amir: It's really funny

Jake: Yeah

[Both sigh]

Jake: No, Yeah this is nice

[Amir starts to laugh uncontrollably again]

Jake: Yeah, pretty good... Please, ok... No this is nice, right?

Amir: I wish we could just live on the road or something

Jake: Man, me too

Amir: In fact, ok. Your wish is my command

Jake: What are you gonna--

[Amir swallows the RV key]

Jake: Oh no!

[Amir starts choking]

Amir: [Amidst choking] You're welcome, you're actually, quite welcome

Jake: Why did you do that!?

Amir: Now we're stuck together! Oh, I think the bitch went down the wrong pipe or something! Sideways wo be sure

Jake: You take every good thing, and you ruin it!

Amir: Cool it, alright [chokes] I've actually, I think I've lost my appetite

Jake: Yeah? You lost your appetite because you ate a key!

Amir: Easy Dr. Oz, you don't wear greed well

Jake: It's not greed

Amir Tomata, tomata

Jake: You can't ever be satisfied, can you? You're too much of an imbecile to realize that sometimes a moment is just nice. You don't have to over-extend yourself and cling to it like a loser. By the way, how does swallowing the key fulfil my wish of living a life on the road?!

Amir: I feel like we're not even having a conversation about a key anymore!

Jake: Of course!

Amir: I feel like this this this this shit has been brewing under the surface for over a Coons age!

Jake: Excuse you!

Amir: Absolutely excuse you!

Jake: I tried to make this trip fun for you

Amir: Trip fun?! I didn't even want to go to LA, I wanted to say in New York! Bitch

Jake: Yeah, well nobody wanted you there

Amir: No? I chose the city out of a hat!

Jake: Every single slip of paper said LA

Amir: Impossible

Jake: Why

Amir: Because everybody would have moved to LA

Jake: God you're dumb

Amir: You're gum!

Jake: I said dumb

Amir: So did I!

Jake: Tell you what man are you still granting wishes? I wish the trip was over, right now

Amir: Granted! [Tries to bring up the key by puking]

Jake: Gross

[Amir tries again]

Jake: Alright

Amir: One key, one wish, coming right up

Jake: Oh God, just--

[Amir throws up]

Jake: Oh bile

[Amir throws up again]

Jake: You're going to make me throw up!

[Both throw up]

Amir: Pussy!

[Jake starts gagging loudly]

Amir: Pah! Nothing!

[Both still gagging loudly]

Jake: Oh no! [incoherent speaking] It gotta be more than halfway down okay, you're going to have to shit it out

Amir: Good, Cant fickin' wait!... Coons age!

Jake: Stop it

[Cut to black. Wolves howl as the sun rises]

Amir: [in pain] Oh, oh oh oh owwww!

[In a shot of the RV, Jake exits wearing a hazmat suit, and Amir emerges from below the camera shot wearing only his underwear]

Amir: Alright, she's ready

Jake: So you're really not gonna do this yourself?

Amir: You have the key, you dig it out!

Jake: Imbecile! Ass!

CAPTION: TO BE CONTINUED...

INTRO
AMIR: [singing] Viva... Las Jake and! Amir! Damn it.
JAKE: Bad execution. Bad idea.
AMIR: Keep it rolling!
[Amir is in a bathtub in a fancy hotel suite, where a bikini-clad girl is massaging his shoulders. Jake comes in.]
AMIR: I woke up in a used Bugatti!
JAKE: We have to leave!
AMIR: Excuse us.
JAKE: Yeah, actually, you know what? Excuse us. Can me and Amir talk alone for a second?
AMIR: Whoa! Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of Kat!
LYDIA: Uh, my name's Lydia.
AMIR: Sorry. [to Jake] In front of Kat!
JAKE: Lydia.
AMIR: Who?
JAKE: You know what, forget it. You showed up on the casino floor last night, drunker than I've ever seen anyone.
AMIR: I was blackout... with my cack out!
JAKE: Yes, it was. You were wearing a leather jacket, a French beret, and nothing else.
[Amir lifts his crotch out of the water. He's completely naked.]
AMIR: Oh yeah!
JAKE: [disgusted] Oh! Warts!
AMIR: No!
JAKE: You jumped on the roulette table, instantly pulled your hamstring, but you decided to power through.
[Amir smirks at Lydia.]
JAKE: You said "I'm the maitre d'! Who wants fish and chips?" You pointed up at the rafters, like a weakling Babe Ruth, you pulled out a flounder or a... or a sea bass or something...
[Amir is now wearing Lydia's shades over his glasses.]
JAKE: You tossed a thousand dollars' worth of chips in the air, and you hit it across the casino floor like... l-- like you were, like you were playing Tee Ball or something!
[Amir and Lydia laugh. Lydia is wearing Amir's glasses, and her shades are missing.]
JAKE: Then, you tried to charge what you thought was the mound, and you ended up hitting an elderly Walmart greeter on vacation with her dying husband. Closed-fisted.
AMIR: [wearing both glasses and shades again] Flounder!
JAKE: I said flounder!
AMIR: [wearing just his normal glasses] You said sea bass! ...Sea bass!
JAKE: Security was called, but you were covered in fish grease, naturally, so you were able to slip through their arms. The pit boss announced a rousing game of "catch the slimy Jew", and a group of Asian businessmen bet against you, and won, when you ran full-speed, head-first into a Sex and the City slot machine.
AMIR: That was a classic Samantha move. I'll admit it. I'll be the first to admit it!
JAKE: There was a deafening crack, [Amir pulls a face] and everybody started to surround what they were sure-- what they hoped, actually-- was a dead body...
[Amir is wearing the glasses and shades again.]
JAKE: ...until you awoke mid-sentence, suing the casino, which I guess is when they upgraded you to this ridiculous suite.
AMIR: [with normal glasses] Thus concludes your tale of woe and worry, but alas, everything worked in the end! [picks up a handful of bubbles] Bubble bath! Bubble bubble bubble bath. [blows them at Jake]
JAKE: No it didn't! Security took you up here and started showing you suite after suite, but it was clear that you had taken this... miraculous turn of events for... more than granted! You kept on claiming "none of these rooms are Mac Daddy enough!" Finally, in this one, you demanded to know whether the balcony was stable or not. When the concierge went out there, you locked the door behind her...
[Amir smirks at Lydia, who is wearing his glasses.]
JAKE: ...and then, in a final brazen act of cowardice, you tried to set the room on fire. Unsuccessfully.
AMIR: [with his normal glasses] Except I burned my finger, okay? If I may be so bold as to ask: how is that fair?
JAKE: That is a bold question, but it is actually not fair, because in a fair world, you would be dead.
AMIR: You don't have to be a roach about it!
JAKE: Finally, delirious with anger or maybe possessed by the devil, you barrel-rolled down the escalator back onto the casino floor, in nothing but an open bathrobe and a cowboy hat. You yelled "I'm gonna buy a blood diamond worth of blow! Who's coming back to my room with me?"
[Amir blows more bubbles toward Jake.]
JAKE: That's when Lydia-- who, I'm just gonna say this, 'cause you said I could say anything I wanted to in front of her: Lydia, I can only assume you're a garbage-can whore-- came back up to the room. By the way, honey, there's no blow up here. So I'm sorry to disappoint you, but--
[Lydia jumps out of the tub and begins strangling Jake.]
LYDIA: What did you say? [to Amir] You promised! [continues screaming at Jake]
JAKE: What? [to Amir] You said I could say anything I wanted to in front of her!
AMIR: Kat! I said you could say anything you wanted to in front of Kat! That's Lydia! She's a feisty one. This [gesturing to another bikini-clad girl showing up] is Kat!
KAT: Did you say something about Lydia, motherfucker?
[Kat begins yelling at Jake and choking him as well.]
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hello, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow, hamming it up much!
JAKE: Jesus.
AMIR: Diva!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks.]
AMIR: Holy guac! These Bitcoin things are ridinky-donky! I gotta have one, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad!
JAKE: Stop it. Do you even know what a Bitcoin is?
AMIR: Yeah, the future of everything! [Making excessive air-quotes] You know "money"? Bitcoin is like "money", but, um... "better".
JAKE: You're overusing your air-quotes. Why do you think Bitcoin is better than money?
AMIR: Because it's worth more than cash! ...Ya jackash! One Bitcoin is currently worth four hundred and fifty... cash!
JAKE: Right, you're using that word wrong. A Bitcoin is worth four hundred and fifty dollars.
AMIR: Which, last time I checked, was still more than the one hundred [perfect Jake impression] "dollars." that I bought it for six months ago, so.
JAKE: You know what, man? You are exactly what's wrong with Bitcoin. You and your speculator friends are just treating it like a stock, [Pat walks by] hoarding Kingcoin, waiting for the price to go up so you can sell it to the next jackash at a profit!
PAT: Jake, sorry... didn't you buy, like, ten Bitcoin a few months ago, when they were selling for twelve hundred a coin?
JAKE: Yeah, dude! 'Cause I believe in Bitcoin!
PAT: Why?
JAKE: Um, 'cause it's the future of everything? [pulls a weird face]
AMIR: [laughing] I love you!
PAT: How is it the future of everything?
JAKE: [holding up one finger] Oh, um, it's untraceable! For one! Untraceable! [Amir also holds up a finger]
PAT: Meaning...
JAKE: Meaning it's worth more than cash! ...Jackash!
[Amir cracks up silently.]
PAT: And how is cash traceable?
JAKE: And, um, Pat? [doing the Robot, singing in a robot voice] It's digital. It's digital. [Amir dances too] It is digital. Bitcoin's digital.
PAT: How are dollars traceable?
JAKE: And, um, to my final point: [mimes pushing glasses up the bridge of his nose] It is, um, an online cryptocurrency, Mr. Cassels, so, uh... Hurwitz! From way downtown!
[Jake lobs a tennis ball at Pat, who moves out of the way.]
PAT: Jesus!
AMIR: Oh-ho, swish!
JAKE: Hey, Amir! Why don't you tell this pasty Jew what we do to jackashes!
PAT: I'm not Jewish.
AMIR: I am, ya jackash!
JAKE: [motioning Amir over] Buddy... I think you should lift me up.
AMIR: ...What?
JAKE: I just swished the game-winning three, so I think it's only fair that you come over here, lift me up like a champion, and give me your Bitcoin.
AMIR: Excuse me.
[Jake puts his arms out, expecting to be lifted up. Amir walks over.]
AMIR: Uh... okay...
PAT: This is absurd.
[Jake hoists himself up and wraps his legs around Amir's waist like a small child would.]
AMIR: Oh! You're h-- ...you're heavy!
JAKE: No I'm not!
PAT: This is so weird.
JAKE: What's your Coinbase login and password? We're gonna sign in, we're gonna move all your Bitcoin over to my digital wallet.
AMIR: I thought you said you already had Bitcoin!
JAKE: I did have Bitcoin, and it was in MtGox. It was hacked and now it's gone. [pause] Alright, I made the three. It was from downtown.
AMIR: You're hurting my back!
JAKE: Then let me down!
[Amir puts Jake down. Jake sniffles and wipes away a tear.]
JAKE: 'Cause you let me down. [leaves]
AMIR: ...I'm sorry!
PAT: Hey, Amir, you know, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for standing up to that, uh... really weird bullying.
AMIR: That weird bullying was the highlight of my life! ...Jackash!
END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir-- and watch out, dude.

AMIR: Dude, I am watching out, dude!



[Jake and Amir are in a car. Amir is driving. Amir looks over at Jake expectantly.]

JAKE: Look-- [pointing at the road] ...Jesus.

[Amir gestures at somebody outside.]

AMIR: Learn how to drive, shitbird!

JAKE: That guy's walking.

AMIR: Call me a shitbird again. Call it to my face and see what happens.

JAKE: Can you please just focus. Alright? I said I'd give you a driving lesson if you would focus.

AMIR: Yeah? Well learning shit is for aunts and dweebs! And last time I checked...

JAKE: "I'm have a pussy"?

AMIR: [simultaneously] ...I'm have a pussy. Yeah!

JAKE: Yeah, you've said that before.

AMIR: Exactly right. Can we-- ...can we just listen to the radio? Alright? Music helps me drive!

JAKE: Music doesn't help you drive, at all. You hopped the curb back there 'cause you were listening to a Big Sean song.

AMIR: I'm sorry if music distracts me! I think that's pretty normal, actually.

JAKE: Be sorry that you just tried to lie, to get me to turn it back on! Okay? Y-- y--you gotta learn how to drive, if you're living in Los Angeles.

AMIR: [mocking Jake] I-- I--I know how to drive, alright? I'm a regular James Deen.

JAKE: Jesus.

AMIR: What?

JAKE: Jerk.

AMIR: I can't... you know what?... I can't see anything. I think I need my sunglasses.

JAKE: Alright, fine. I'll grab them. Where are they--

AMIR: No, I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em.

[Amir leans way back into the backseat to look for his sunglasses. Jake grabs the wheel.]

JAKE: Hey, hey-- hey-- dude! Hey! Idiot!

AMIR: I got 'em, dude! I g--

JAKE: You idiot!

AMIR: Why am I an idiot? Okay? There's a lot of glare. It'll be much safer if I just find my shades!

JAKE: Eyes on the road, buddy.

AMIR: I don't need 'em on the road, buddy! Alright? Relax. I--

[Jake shushes Amir.]

AMIR: [singing] Beware, beware, beware...

JAKE: Find the glasses.

AMIR: [singing] ...of a woman with a broken fart! [farts loudly]

JAKE: Oh! Smelly!

[Amir sits back in his seat, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses.]

AMIR: Got 'em, baby!

JAKE: Jesus Christ.

AMIR: Pussy-whipped much?

JAKE: ...What?

AMIR: I swear, dude. You let women walk all over you. You gotta--

JAKE: I don't-- ...stop it. Okay?

AMIR: Okay...

JAKE: I don't feel like having a conversation right now.

AMIR: Me neither, so we're both... on the same page, as it were. [pronouncing "page" in French]

JAKE: Good, so then we just be quiet, and we don't have to say anything to each other.

AMIR: Fine. [pause] It's funny... this whole thing reminds me of my old man teaching me how to drive. [chuckles] Was sittin' in the same seat you were. If you can belee dat!

JAKE: I can belee dat. Just, please, can we not talk about your family? I--

AMIR: Cursing the only god he knew that he lost that rock-paper-scissors match against my mommy. "Loser has to teach Queen Dweeb to drive!" That's what they said.

JAKE: "Queen Dweeb"?

AMIR: "Queen Dweeb". That was their nickname for me. They used to yell it me, taunt me, throw shit at me like the, uh... what's the inside of a-- of a peach?

JAKE: ...The pit?

AMIR: Yeah. They used to throw knives at me.

JAKE: Why did you ask me about peach pits?

AMIR: Because you gotta cut the peach with something! ...Idiot!

JAKE: Jesus Christ, that is depressing. Just... driving-wise, okay...

AMIR: Yeah?

JAKE: Just remember to use your signals when we're changing lanes.

AMIR: [doing an arm signal] I use arm signals. [sticking his arm in front of Jake] Hi-ya! Less legal, sure--

JAKE: Eyes on the road.

AMIR: --but... way less effective, too.

JAKE: So you said "less" twice, then.

AMIR: Yeah. [chuckles] Oh, God, these driving lessons. Daddy used to sit right there; me, crying in the front seat like a five-year-old. "I don't want to drive today, Papa! I can't reach the pedals!"

JAKE: ...Excuse me?

AMIR: I was four.

JAKE: God, your parents suck, dude.

AMIR: Excuse me! Say that again! Say that again to my face and I will drive this car into a cat, so help me cod, you fishy bitch!

JAKE: Keep your eyes on the road!

AMIR: I can't see shit, dude! These glasses are not prescription!

JAKE: Then take them off!

AMIR: [leaning back into the backseat again] Let me put them back in the case!

JAKE: Hey! Dude!

AMIR: What, dude! Drive, shitbird!

JAKE: Hey! Come on!



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very green episode of Jake and Amir!

JAKE: Nice one.

AMIR: What?



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has a pair of shears, and is trimming a large potted plant.]

JAKE: So you're not even pretending that you do work for the company anymore?

AMIR: Work is fun, but I've actually been pretty into hobbies recently, horticulture being the latest. I like... masturbating and shrimp quite a bit.

JAKE: One of those is a hobby. The other is jerking off, and the third is just a sea creature.

AMIR: Masturbating might actually be my favorite. [chuckles]

JAKE: Yeah.

AMIR: Do we have, um... a hose?

JAKE: Why don't you just do your work, for the day?

AMIR: [pointing the shears at Jake] Sorry, can I ask you-- how much a week do you spend on produce?

JAKE: Don't point the s--

AMIR: [waving the shears wildly at Jake as he points] I'm serious. How much a week do you spend on produce?

JAKE: Alright. Doesn't look like you have a good grip on the shears there, so don't-- [Amir drops the shears on his desk] yeah, don't gesticulate with them like that.

AMIR: [picking up the shears, pointing them at Jake again] I really want to know, dude!

JAKE: Ten bucks.

AMIR: Wow! ...Really! That's... that's nothing! ...Where do you shop?

JAKE: How much did you spend on gardening supplies?

[There is a long, awkward silence.]

JAKE: See, at this point, I know whatever you say is a lie--

AMIR: Nine.

JAKE: --'cause you spent--

AMIR: Bucks.

JAKE: --too long.

AMIR: Dude.

[Jake stares incredulously at Amir, who waggles his eyebrows at Jake.]

AMIR: You know what? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize for having a green thumb!

[Amir gives Jake a thumbs-up. His thumb is a sickly green color.]

JAKE: Oh! Too green! That's infected!

AMIR: [emptying a bag of fertilizer onto his desk and laptop] Believe it or not, I'm actually growing the ingredients one would need to make a salad!

JAKE: I don't believe that-- hey, man, that smells awful.

AMIR: It's, uh, basil, ficus... manure...

JAKE: ...Terrible salad.

AMIR: Yeah. A lot of salads actually taste like shit, but I hear they're pretty good for you. Here, look.

[Amir shoves a handful of manure into his mouth.]

JAKE: Ohh, don't! Dude, no!

AMIR: [through a mouthful of manure] This one tastes like horse manure, actually!

JAKE: That actually is horse manure!

AMIR: [with his mouth full] Sure tastes like it! [chuckles]

JAKE: It is it!

AMIR: [chewing the manure, slightly taken aback] ...What are you talking about, man?

JAKE: Fertilizer, idiot! You're eating fertilizer!

AMIR: [with his mouth full] And?

JAKE: And it's shit! You're eating shit!

AMIR: [yelling, still with his mouth full] So why didn't you say so!

JAKE: [yelling] I did! I am!

AMIR: [yelling through manure] Before I ate it, idiot!

JAKE: [yelling] Why haven't you spit it out yet?

AMIR: [swallowing most of the manure] Because it's good for ya, see?

JAKE: ...Jesus.

AMIR: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have some shrimp.

[Amir holds up a bowl of shrimp.]

AMIR: [drooling, grabbing a shrimp] And if you need me, I'll be in the men's room!

JAKE: You can't masturbate in the office.

AMIR: Very well, then!



END

INTRO

[A piece of paper reads "COLLEGEHUMOR'S ALL-NIGHTer 2014"; "TEN VIDEOS. ONE NIGHT!"]

ALL: CollegeHumor's All-Nighter!



[Jake, Pat, Elaine, and Vincent are playing Nerf basketball in the office. They are all yelling and having fun (the dialogue is indistinct). Vincent takes a shot at the net, but Amir appears and grabs the ball out of the air.]

AMIR: Ohh!

[Everybody stops.]

AMIR: Air Jordan, fuckers!

JAKE: You're not playing.

AMIR: I got winner.

JAKE: We're not keeping score.

AMIR: Y'all are a bunch of Lisa Leslies... and I'm Rebecca Lobo!

VINCENT: More like Rebecca Hobo!

[Amir throws the Nerf ball forcefully at Vincent's windpipe.]

VINCENT: [struggling to breathe] You killed me!

[Vincent falls to the floor.]

AMIR: Who else has anything to say about my personal appearance, or my persona? In fact... who here thinks I'm a persona non grata?

PAT: What does that mean?

[Amir throws another ball, which hits Pat in the forehead.]

PAT: ...I'm dead...

[Pat falls to the floor as well.]

AMIR: [procuring another ball] Looks like y'all need one more.

JAKE: Two more.

AMIR: [tossing the ball to Jake] Take it out. I'll go Jew on one.

ELAINE: Technically, it would be two on Jew.

[Amir lunges at Elaine, and Jake holds him back.]

JAKE: No. No, no. Dude.

AMIR: Let me bite her! Let me bite her!

JAKE: [shoving Amir back] Stop, dude! Stop it!

AMIR: It's clear to me what's going on. I can take a hint. Y'all don't want me here. Right?

JAKE: It's not a hint-- right! Of course not! We hate you. Leave!

AMIR: Play me for it.

JAKE: Excuse me?

AMIR: The court. Play me for it. One take. One ball. One play. Winner take all. You make it, you take it. Playground rules.

[Amir takes off his shirt. His abdomen is censored for some reason.]

JAKE: Jesus Christ.

[Vincent gets back up.]

VINCENT: You know, the swelling on my larynx is actually subsiding--

[Amir throws another ball at Vincent's throat.]

VINCENT: Not again!

[Vincent falls back to the floor.]

AMIR: [tossing yet another ball to Elaine] Come at me.

[Amir runs and punches Elaine in the face.]

AMIR: Ohhh!

ELAINE: My schnoz!

[Amir headbutts one of Jake's teeth in, and takes a shot at the net.]

AMIR: Boom, baby!

[The shot misses.]

AMIR: Wooooo!

JAKE: You missed it!

AMIR: Doesn't matter! I win!

JAKE: No you don't!

AMIR: Playground rules!

JAKE: You broke my tooth! You didn't score!

[Pat gets up.]

PAT: He has a point, Jake.

JAKE: What are you talking about? No he doesn't! Redemption shot, from way downtown!

[Jake successfully makes a shot.]

AMIR: Nah. DQ. I don't think so. Flagrant.

VINCENT: [getting up] Poor form, Jake.

JAKE: Vinny, he almost killed you!

VINCENT: It was well within the confines of the game!

JAKE: No it wasn't!

AMIR: Go home, Jake.

PAT: Yeah. Go home, Jake.

JAKE: Excuse me.

VINCENT: Yeah. Go home, Jake.

AMIR: Go home, Jake.

[Pat, Amir, Vincent, and Elaine all chant in unison.]

ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!

JAKE: What are you doing?

[Ben Schwartz appears, and joins in.]

JAKE: Whoa, wait, this--

[Jake begins backing toward the door. Boom mics are visible.]

ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!

JAKE: Relax... okay. Let me leave!

ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!

JAKE: C'mon. Hey-- you're breaking the fourth wall! Sam's not gonna like this! Let me leave! Sam's not gonna like this!



[Jake is in Sam's office, showing him the video up until that point. Chanting can still be heard from the screen.]

SAM: I don't like this. Go home, Jake.

JAKE: Wait, what?



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very expensive episode of Jake and Amir!

JAKE: Why is it expensive?

AMIR: Cash!



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has his hands folded in front of his face to conceal his mouth.]

AMIR: Hey Jake, what do you call a Twitter account for cottage cheese?

JAKE: ...What?

[Amir looks up and reveals that he has a dental grill.]

AMIR: Cheese!

JAKE: Bad joke! Bad teeth!

AMIR: Hope you like to barbecue!

JAKE: Why?

AMIR: 'Cause homeboy's got a grill!

JAKE: Why did you do that to your face? What's wrong with you?

AMIR: I like flaunting that I make cash!

JAKE: How do you make cash?

AMIR: [rubbing his fingers together] Money--

JAKE: I didn't ask what cash was. I asked how you made it. You don't do anything.

AMIR: My dad gives me bank. Quite bank, actually.

JAKE: Okay, then you know what? You don't make anything. You get pathetic handouts from your old man, and it's not cool to flaunt that with exorbitantly expensive jewelry for your teeth.

AMIR: I got this grill off Sale!

JAKE: On sale, and still, it's probably pretty expensive.

AMIR: No, my cousin Leron. He has a friend named Sale.

JAKE: He's got a friend named Sale?

AMIR: Well, had a friend named Sal.

JAKE: ...Sale, or Sal?

AMIR: Sale. Sale.

JAKE: Which one?

AMIR: Sale!

JAKE: Sale, or Sal?

AMIR: Sam!

JAKE: Which one is it? Sale, Sal, or Sam?

AMIR: ...Sale.

JAKE: Doesn't matter. Okay, you got the grill off him?

AMIR: Off her. And no, not her grill, her teeth. Okay? When she passed, me and Leron had the dim idea to gank the dentures off her still-breathing body!

JAKE: Still breathing. So she hadn't passed.

AMIR: We're all at the vet trying to huff some of that laughy gassy, when we realized: uh-oh! Some of it's euthanasia! So me and Leron hightail it the fuck out of there, but, uh... Sale wasn't too lucky. She couldn't flap her wings fast enough.

JAKE: Flap her wings?

AMIR: Did I mention Sale was a goose?

JAKE: ...No! No, of course not, 'cause then all my questions would have been about that! Why did the goose have teeth?

AMIR: I guess you can say she's trans-gandered!

JAKE: Decent pun, doesn't explain the teeth, and your gums are bleeding.

AMIR: [with his hand on his mouth] Sure, small price to pay.

JAKE: Kind of a lot of blood, and it's a pretty big price to pay, man! You don't have teeth. You and your cousin are friends with a goose.

AMIR: Were!

JAKE: Still! A goose!

AMIR: No, I mean me and Leron aren't cousins anymore! He frickin' divorced me!

JAKE: Please, just one insane thing at a time. Why did the goose have teeth?

AMIR; Dentures.

JAKE: Which you stole.

AMIR: How was your weekend? ...Always talkin' about my shit. How was your Friday? What'd you do Saturday morning?

JAKE: Where are your real teeth?

AMIR: I traded them to Leron for a BeDazzler so that I can jewel-encrust Sale's dentures so that I can flaunt my father's wealth! What don't you get?

JAKE: Why do you hate yourself?

AMIR: Excuse?

JAKE You're on this twisted quest to change your body, mind, and spirit. You're constantly adopting new hobbies. [Amir begins dancing in his seat.] You've had countless plastic surgeries-- stop dancing! [Amir stops.] None of it is ever to any avail. At the end of the day, you're still you... and you suck.

[Amir makes a mock-hurt expression.]

JAKE: Oh, I know that did hurt.

[Amir dabs his forehead, and salutes Jake sarcastically. Jake salutes him back. Amir pauses, and then begins crying.]

JAKE: There it is. [claps] Finally. That's what I was hoping for. That's the way you should always be.

AMIR: Want to know the gayest part?

JAKE: Don't use that word like that.

AMIR: I truly believe that the world revolves around me. [pauses, nods thoughtfully] Not even metaphorically, either. Like, uh, say this marble is me, and this tennis ball is our solar system? [picks up a marble and a tennis ball, and rolls the tennis ball around the marble]

JAKE: Quick to get those.

AMIR: Yeah, this is how I feel. Like I am at the center of it. Like I'm the Sun. [chuckles] I mean, how dumb is that?

JAKE: It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Nothing revolves around you. You absolutely don't matter, 'cause you're a goose murderer. You're a teeth thief.

AMIR: Yeah? Well at least I got a grill I can count on! [holds up a sausage] Hope you like sausage!

JAKE: Raw meat. In your mouth.

[Amir puts the sausage to its mouth, and it begins smoking and sizzling.]

JAKE: Holy shit, how is it sizzling?

AMIR: I'm the Sun! I told you I was one!



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey there, you're watchin' a ramblin' episode of Jake and Amir!

JAKE: No.

AMIR: And it goes a little something like-- [guitar strum]



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is playing a guitar.]

AMIR: So when I take my hand and go with you, be sure to leave me high, to do... goodbye, my love, goodbye, my-- prrd. To each her own, to each her... I love you...! [stops singing] ...Stupid.

JAKE: So stupid.

AMIR: It's crazy.

JAKE: That you did that at work?

AMIR: [balancing the guitar on the desk] Guitar's like... part of my body at this point.

[Amir lets go of the guitar, and it falls hard to the floor. Jake cringes.]

JAKE: Did that hurt?

AMIR: That's actually a polished final. On vinyl, actually, but if you have a note or a feedback, I'd love to hear it.

JAKE: If I had a single feedback? Not to write music. Don't write music.

AMIR: Joke's on you, 'cause music's not about a single note. It's about a harmony. [laughs] Not surprised you didn't know that, though, 'cause you don't know shit about folk, or folk about shit!

JAKE: You have a job here. I don't know why, but you do, so why don't you focus on being good at that. For instance, you didn't even bring a computer charger today. I guess you just figured two hours of work and then you'd be done. And if you don't want to get good at your job, which is... I guess bad, but, fine-- focus on things that would make you a better human being, like hygiene. Brush your teeth. Wipe your ass.

AMIR: That's funny, I don't remember that part of the song! How about giving me notes about melody, about tune, about how it sounded?

JAKE: Okay. So you're not listening to me.

AMIR: I am. I'll do that. I'll do the stuff about the brushing.

JAKE: Do what?

AMIR: Brush my hair!

JAKE: What's something that you don't brush? Not your hair. What's something else that you don't brush?

AMIR: I don't brush my hair, ya fuckin' idiot! [laughs]

JAKE: ...Teeth!

AMIR: I know!

JAKE: You don't know!

AMIR: I know!

[Jake doesn't respond.]

AMIR: [slurring his phrase into a single syllable] Iknow! ...I just want to do shit that makes me smile of you!

JAKE: What?

AMIR: Yeah!

JAKE: No!

AMIR: I knew this would happen. I knew as soon as I went off and did something cute and subjective, you would turn it into this, this, this, this, this, this nuclear bomb of me!

JAKE: You know what? Talk normal. Okay? "Nuclear bomb of me"? "Smile of you"? You're digressing! You used to be able to speak English.

[Amir is raising his arms defensively.]

JAKE: Put your arms down! What are you doing?

AMIR: Your attitude almost makes me not want to write a song and perform it for you at work... yeah!

JAKE: Good. That... that is the first time I've ever seen you come close to making a right decision.

AMIR: Excuse...?

JAKE: That inkling that you have--

AMIR: You're a dickling!

JAKE: I said "inkling", but you are the dickling. Okay?

AMIR: You're a dickling!

JAKE: The inkling that you have, to not do something because you know I'll think it's dumb? That's the first step into, I guess, adolescence. You finally have the social intelligence of an eleven-year-old.

AMIR: Well if you like that song, then you truly are the apple of my pie.

[Amir pulls out an apple pie, and pies himself in the face with it. It slides off gradually, and Amir looks disappointed in himself.]

AMIR: [to himself] Why'd you do that, ya idiot? ...You turn every positive into a weird thing of you. Just take the compliment, Hurwitz! You are an anal assassin of the highest calendar. He finally was on your side. He liked the song.

JAKE: I never said I liked the song.

AMIR: You said I had the social intelligence of an eleven-year-old!

JAKE: ...What word in that sentence says "song"?

AMIR: AKA!

JAKE: I have to work from home.

AMIR: Of course! And you can't give me a ride home because--

JAKE: I dislike being with you.

AMIR: --my guitar won't fit. Exactly right.

[Jake gets up to leave. Amir sighs and eats bits of apple pie from the pan.]

AMIR: [singing] So pie-pie, Miss American Bye!



END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!

AMIR: Buy high, sell low!

JAKE: Dumb advice.

AMIR: Okay!



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is doing something on his laptop.]

AMIR: Oh, fuck me in my shrimp dick. Here we go.

JAKE: What happened?

AMIR: [mocking Jake] Banana!

JAKE: Bad job of mocking me. You think I said "banana"?

AMIR: [trying to slide a Bluetooth headset onto his ear, then just opting to hold it there] I should have seen this coming a mile away, with the frickin' Nikkei free fall.

JAKE: Nikkei?

AMIR: Nikkei! Yeah, the Tokyo stock market is tanking so hard, it's gonna take all the yellowtail in the Tsukiji fish market just to put a finger in this dike!

JAKE: Do you know how to put on a Bluetooth?

AMIR: I have a weird ear.

JAKE: I know.

AMIR: And it's not before long that all my clients are gonna be up shit's creek and using me as a paddle! [pulling out a rain poncho and giving it to Jake] In fact, take this poncho! It'll help you from the impending shitstorm!

JAKE: Did you bring a poncho to work for that joke?

AMIR: Here we go-- [on the Bluetooth] Hamburger! Hi, how's my favorite client doing? [laughs] No, listen, dude. I'm lookin' at it too, but this is what we were talkin' about after Cirque du Soleil!

JAKE: Weird spot for a client meeting.

AMIR: Sorry, can I call you back? [to Jake] What was that?

JAKE: What?

AMIR: That shit about the weird client meeting place.

JAKE: A circus?

AMIR: Yeah! It's an experience, a full-body high.

JAKE: Did you get off the phone 'cause I said that?

AMIR: It's just-- I don't interrupt your work.

JAKE: Are you kidding? You're screaming into a Bluetooth right now!

AMIR: Hold that thought-- [on the Bluetooth] La-la-la-la-la-Lasagna!

JAKE: All your clients are food.

AMIR: [laughing] Let me call you back. [to Jake] Leave!

JAKE: I'm making asides to myself. If you can't ignore that distraction, you shouldn't be having multiple jobs, right?

AMIR: I would kick your ass if I didn't love you so much-- oh! Here we go. This is the phone call we've all been waiting for.

JAKE: Let me guess...

AMIR: [on the Bluetooth] Mickey, my friend!

JAKE: That's him.

AMIR: Listen to me, Mickey. Now is no time to get scared, Mickey, okay? Adolf Hitler killed himself, Mickey, and history remembers him as a coward, Mickey!

JAKE: Excuse you!

AMIR: You haven't lost anything until you sell, Mickey, and I, as your broker, am not gonna let you do that, Mickey! You know why, Mickey? 'Cause I got a tip so hot I call it Satan's foreskin, Mickey! Okay? This is a hot, hot, hot, hot, hot tip, Mickey!

JAKE: He knows his name! Okay? You don't have to say it so fucking much!

AMIR: You wanna be a billionaire, Mickey? So fucking bad, Mickey? Then let me pull the trigger, Mickey! Okay? This company's selling for pennies on the dollar, and I could turn these coins into golden doubloons for you and yours, Mickey! You ask your wife for permission, and this deal goes away, Mickey. Okay? You don't think I can walk this deal over to Hamburger? You don't think I can trike it over to Lasagna?

JAKE: "Trike"?

AMIR: It doesn't matter to me which one of my clients makes that cheese, Mickey, 'cause I'm still eatin' crackers like we're puttin' on the Ritz, Mickey! Don't put-- ...fine, put her on the phone, Mickey. You coward. Prick! Jerk!

JAKE: How is Mickey married?

AMIR: Minnie, my friend!

JAKE; No way.

AMIR: I don't know what you heard from Mickey, Minnie, but I have a very, very, very reliable lead, Minnie!

JAKE: Mickey's married to Minnie?

AMIR: I'm not being goofy, Minnie! I have a lead for you, Minnie, and she is true, Minnie! You know about the A.P. Moller - Maersk Group, Minnie? Largest dry shipping container co. on God's green earth? Who do you think does sysops for them? [pause] System operations, you dumb ho. Who do you think makes Maersk go tick tick tick, so that they never go tick tick boom? [pause] That's right, Minnie, and I have an in with Kobenhavn!

JAKE: She knew who did it?

AMIR: [to Jake] What?

JAKE: She knew who did sysops for Maersk?

AMIR: [on the Bluetooth] Okay, good! Put Mickey back on so we can pump and dump this company to the tune of 2.1 million shares!

JAKE: ...You are no.

AMIR: Mickey, my friend, all systems appear to be go. Can you pull the trigger with me, Mickey? Can you turn you key with mine, Mickey, and mine with yours, Mickey? Are you ready to be independently wealthy for life, Mickey? Here we go, three, two, one... [hits a key] ...and you're broke, Mickey.

JAKE: Asshole.

AMIR: You flew too close to the Sun and now you're bankrupt, Mickey. Goodbye, Mickey. [hangs up, throws the Bluetooth onto the desk] Goodbye. [pause] Fuck. Sometimes I feel bad about the way I treat his sick ass. Constantly... trolling him.



END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!

AMIR: Hide your kids, hide your wife!

JAKE: From what?

AMIR: Everything.



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is in a hazmat suit, with his gas mask pulled up above his face. He's wearing latex gloves, which he did not put on carefully enough to get his fingers in properly.]

AMIR: [mouthing] Bad idea...

[Jake doesn't react. Amir cups his hands around his mouth and repeats himself at full volume.]

AMIR: Bad idea!

JAKE: You knew I wasn't gonna take the bait, so you yelled it at me, huh? What's a bad idea? You wearing that to work?

AMIR: No, you knowingly getting Ebola, to the office.

JAKE: You're so behind on everything! No one's talking about Ebola anymore.

AMIR: I'm still fearful.

JAKE: Of course you are.

AMIR: I'm paranoid!

JAKE: Yeah, you're paranoid of what? Ebola in Los Angeles? You're not at risk here, in this office.

AMIR: [holding up his hands, making a buzzer sound] Daaanhh! Wrong, okay? [gesturing with his fists, while the gloves' fingers flap everywhere] Ebola is an epidemic, which means you're at risk everywhere! Okay? Last time I checked, you weren't Superman! [laughing] Though you're pretty frickin' close...

JAKE: What the hell is the matter with your hands?

AMIR: What?

JAKE: They look disfigured.

AMIR: They're not.

JAKE: Do you know how to put on gloves?

AMIR: Yeah, ya... [tries to demonstrate putting on gloves] ...squeeze 'em up.

JAKE: Forget it. Can you type in that?

AMIR: No. Not really, no. At all.

JAKE: So why did you open your computer? What work are you doing right now?

AMIR: Is it important for me to do work, or is it important for me to be alive? I think it's... I think alive is actually pretty crucial.

JAKE: You know, you're at work. You're at your job, so it's pretty crucial for you to be doing your work.

AMIR: Question, everyone: Who thinks it's important for me to be alive? [chuckles]

[Nobody reacts.]

AMIR: Obviously they're not paying attention. Everyone's always... y-you go out to dinner, and everyone's like: [pretending to text] "Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah." No one's ever, like, listening--

JAKE: Who here thinks Amir should die?

[Many people raise their hand.]

AMIR: Ohh! That smarts!

JAKE: What makes you think you, of all people, are at risk for Ebola?

AMIR: Glad you asked! Leron teased the nurse returning from Liberia to the point where she actually hurled her own feces at him! [laughs] Later on, Leron and I French kissed in front of a security camera as a goof, and I fear some of the original Ebola-infected feces went from his throat into mine.

JAKE: If that's all true, then you deserve to have Ebola.

AMIR: Excuse...?

JAKE: ...Never say that again.

AMIR: How do you figure, is all?

JAKE: You're teasing a nurse--

AMIR: No.

JAKE: --who's coming back from Liberia, she went there to help--

AMIR: No, no, no, no, no! Listen to the case, dude! Leron was teasing a nurse--

JAKE: Leron teased the nurse.

AMIR: Leron teased the nurse.

JAKE: Fine. You Frenched him.

AMIR: I Frenched-- yeah. I French kissed my cousin Leron.

JAKE: Okay-- after he had shit in his mouth, and he didn't wash it out!

AMIR: As a goof. As a goof, I French kissed--

JAKE: As a goof-- it doesn't matter! You're su-- you're-- it's implicit support, is what it is, of his bad actions--

AMIR: I'm tongue-kissing him. Okay? I'm tongue-kissing him--

JAKE: I caught that part! I--

AMIR: --and then I'm afraid that some of the shit in his mouth went into my tongue.

JAKE: Do you think I don't understand what happened? I'm saying that those--

AMIR: You're saying I teased the nurse. Like I'm a nurse-teaser.

JAKE: I got one thing wrong. I got the Frenching right, though.

AMIR: Yeah, I--

JAKE: Because you French kissed your cousin--

AMIR: As a goof--

JAKE: --As a goof--

JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] --on camera.

JAKE: Die, then.

[Amir vomits.]

AMIR: Don't say shit like that, or I'll quarantine your ass!



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir-- where were you January 13th, 1999?

JAKE: Come on.

AMIR: I'm serious!



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has headphones on. He gasps and grabs his chest, and then turns his attention to Jake and takes off his headphones.]

AMIR: I am absolutely obsessed with the new Serial podcast!

JAKE: Yeah, man. I like it a l--

[Amir aggressively shushes Jake. As Amir talks, Jake mouths "Are you kidding me?"]

AMIR: I'm like, every time a new episode comes out, I, I'm just like-- [makes excited eating motions, laughs]

JAKE: What are you doing? I was willing to have a conversation with you, and you're steamrolling it. You just have an agenda, and you won't interact with me.

AMIR: [talking over Jake] I love it so much! I don't know, I can't explain it! I'm on the edge of my seat. I'm not even halfway done with the second episode, and I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I can't get enough! I literally started, like, three weeks ago.

JAKE: So you're not obsessed at all! You barely listen to it. You listened to one and a half episodes?

AMIR: Less than.

JAKE: Less!

AMIR: Yeah!

JAKE: Less! What?

AMIR: But I'm very active in the subreddit. Yeah, I'm in there theorizing, postulating... actually stirring up a good amount of resentment, and... ill will towards you and me both.

JAKE: [looking at his laptop] Okay, yeah. Here's your first post: "I'm a key witness. I was in the library with Asia McClain. It was me, not Adnan. My name is Jake Hurwitz, ask me anythang."

AMIR: Does posting in the subreddit make me a lawyer?

JAKE: Of course not.

AMIR: I mean, not necessarily.

JAKE: Not at all.

AMIR: But, it might make me a law clerk or, at the very least, a paralegal. I'm definitely, definitely at least a detective for it.

JAKE: You're a detective?

AMIR: I think so.

JAKE: You just posted five minutes ago: "MFW Sarah Koenig said the F-word," and... [clicking] ...it's a link to scat porn.

AMIR: I'm a gumshoe. I'm a gumshoe of a detective, a rookie cop with a, with a chip on his shoulder!

JAKE: You are so much less important than you think you are.

AMIR: [quietly] Excuse?

JAKE: Stop trying to half-assedly insert yourself into something successful, after the fact. It's lazy.

AMIR: Went to visit Adnan yesterday.

JAKE: ...No!

AMIR: Was ready to offer him a conjugal, but the warden turned me down on Adnan's behalf!

JAKE: That makes a lot of sense, man. You offered a conjugal visit to a convicted murderer?

AMIR: Oh, spoiler much?

JAKE: So you know nothing about the podcast. Have you listened to the one and a half episodes?

AMIR: Downloaded! [holding up two fingers, one hooked to represent half] I said I've downloaded one and a half episodes!

JAKE: No you didn't! You said you listened!

AMIR: I listened to part of one. I got to the MailChimp part, [pronounced "MailKimp", as in the podcast's ad] but I can really see why people are hot on this shit!

JAKE: Cool, so you listened to one part of the ad, and you're still very active in the subreddit.

AMIR: You don't have to know shit to be angry about shit. You just have to have an opinion, dumbass!

JAKE: Your opinion doesn't have to be angry!

AMIR: I'll often post without doing very much research at all, just passing off biased viewpoints as fact! Potentially redundant, definitely hurtful, and all caps, all the time, baby! Upvote!

JAKE: S-- ...upvote?

AMIR: Upvote!

JAKE: Upvote what?

AMIR: Upvote!

JAKE: You want to upvote this? "My name is Amir Hurwitz-Syed, and I am a member of Adnan's mosque. This is a picture of us playing ball back in the day. Even then, Adnan was a goofy killer, on the court. ;)" [Jake reads this as "winky face", and Amir winks as he reads] "Ask Me Almost Everything." And the picture's just a broken image. You wrote: "Edit: This link works," and then that is a picture of your penis Photoshopped onto Adnan's high school yearbook photo. Small dick, by the way. You commented: "Edit: Gotcha! But on the real, no lie, this is legit. This is the image. I had to dig through my mom's old photo albums," and that link is just...

[Jake clicks, and Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" plays from his computer. Amir dances to the music.]

JAKE: What's wrong with you?

AMIR: And that made it to the front page! Wanna know why?

JAKE: Because it didn't.

AMIR: Exactly right! I'm lying, but it doesn't matter, because I'm loud, so you have to acknowledge me! That's the beauty of the internet! Ask me anythong! [pulls out a thong]

JAKE: Ohh...! Why were you wearing that?

AMIR: Conjugal, motherfucker!



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and something smells fishy!

JAKE: It's you.

AMIR: Ha ha, yeah.



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir holds up a scroll.]

JAKE: No. No.

[Jake begins throwing things from his desk at Amir. Amir uses the scroll to deflect them as he unrolls it.]

JAKE: Hey. Hey. No. Stop it.

AMIR: [deflecting a pad of Post-it notes] "Top Ten Fish to Fry", by Rodrigo O! [enunciating "O" as a strange moan]

JAKE: Was that noise your new last name?

AMIR: Yes.

JAKE: Why, oh why are interested in frying fish?

AMIR: "Number ten: Could I borrow a pen?" [deflecting a pen] "So I could write down the name of this fish, ya bish! Makes girls sad, squirrels mad, and men grin! Look no further than the almighty... penguin."

JAKE: Not a fish.

AMIR: Not a bird!

JAKE: You think anything that's not a bird is a fish? [Amir nods.] And yes, it is. It's a flightless bird.

AMIR: That's a fightless turd.

[Jake is speechless.]

AMIR: "Number nine: a sashimi is fine. You don't have to fry your really old dish. Just go to McDonald's and get a Filet-O-Fish.

JAKE: So what are you saying? The number nine fish to fry is a...?

AMIR: It's a sashimi.

JAKE: So not frying a fish, but then getting a fried fish--

AMIR: Um, yeah, a Filet-O-Fish.

JAKE: --at McDonald's.

AMIR: Yeah.

JAKE: What?

AMIR: "Number eight: Fill your plate. When this fat fish died, we ate catfish, fried! But don't let this mustachian fool you. This fish is all woman... and a crustacean drool cube."

JAKE: ...How are you getting dumber?

AMIR: Excuse?

JAKE: Stop saying that. I've asked you.

AMIR: ...Fair. "Number seven: A Bacon named Kevin. That's right, this Footloose star has gone too far! I say we dip him in oil, and serve him to a horde of angry fans."

JAKE: That's cannibalism!

AMIR: Excuse?

JAKE: You know what? Forget it. What has Kevin Bacon done that's gone too far? ...Please just done your work.

AMIR: "Done your work"!

JAKE: "Do your work," I said.

AMIR: [doing a Southern accent] "Done your work!"

JAKE: Done your work. Do your work.

AMIR: [still doing an accent] "Hey, you over there! Let's all done our work--"

JAKE: Okay, I misspoke. You just said "crustacean drool cube", on purpose.

[Amir quietly turns his attention to the scroll.]

JAKE: Back to the list.

AMIR: "Number six: Put your halibut on sticks. No need to fry it; that's bad for your diet. Not to mention it'll clog your arteries, and make you smell like a fartery. Pee-yew." [pause, then, pronouncing "PU"] "Poo."

JAKE: "Pee-yew, poo".

[Amir chuckles.]

JAKE: So twice on this list of top ten fish to fry, you've suggested not frying the fish. Once, you suggested we fry and eat Kevin Bacon--

AMIR: [simultaneously] Kevin Bacon.

JAKE: I mean, what is wrong with you? [Amir doesn't respond.] This is so bizarre. Why is this our interaction? It's come to this.

AMIR: "Number--"

JAKE: You've run out of ideas, haven't you.

AMIR: "Number five..."

JAKE: You really have.

AMIR: "Number five". "Number five is Ryan Gosling, starred in Drive--"

JAKE: So you want to fry and eat him as well.

AMIR: [holding out his hand to interrupt Jake] Jumping to conclusions. "What was his favorite fried fish, at the craft services table?"

JAKE: ...I don't know!

AMIR: Do you not? ...Neither do I. I was hoping you'd, uh... [making a hopping motion with his hand] ...jump in right there with that.

JAKE: Are you kidding me? What a weird hand motion.

[Amir makes the motion a few more times. It looks progressively less like jumping.]

JAKE: ...God, I hate your fingers.

AMIR: Never matter. It's probably, like, lox or something.

JAKE: Not a fried fish.

AMIR: You think Gosling eats fried fish? Ya fucking idiot, he's an Adonis!

JAKE: You said! You said, "What's his favorite fried fish?"

AMIR: Gosling's on a strict no-fried-fish diet. You know it, I know it--

JAKE: Now you know what he eats.

AMIR: --the American people know it.

JAKE: A second ago, you had no idea what he ate. Now you know whether he doesn't eat fried fish.

AMIR: "Number four..."

JAKE: So why'd you include him on the list?

AMIR: "Drop your bass to the floor!" [singing to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj] "My big piranha don't want naan unless you fry that bun! Oh my cod. Look at that cut. Oh my cod. I like halibut--"

[Jake throws a pencil at Amir. Amir doesn't deflect it. The pencil stabs him in the throat and stays there.]

JAKE: ...Holy shit.

AMIR: "Number three: Is it dim in here, or is it just me?"

JAKE: I am sorry...

AMIR: It's fine. "Haddock--" ..."Haddock is--" ..."Number three..."

JAKE: We have to go to a hospital.

AMIR: I'll go in a bit. "Number two? Nah. It's tuna. Forget tilapia, whitefish, and speck. A deep-fried tuna... will help you forget the pain in your neck."

JAKE: Did you know this was gonna happen?

AMIR: It's a fortunate coincidence. "Number one: This pencil's no fun."

JAKE: You're absolutely freestyling.

[Amir turns the scroll around. The one thing written on it is "1. This pencil's no fun. :( -Rodrigo O!"]

JAKE: ...You wizard. You warlock.

AMIR: "I taste only blood, perhaps a bit of lead. Soon the fried fish won't be all whom are dead. My friend did this to me, he's a murderous beast. But let my last words be this: Fried fish is a feast."

JAKE: Nice.

AMIR: "And now I'm deceased."

[Amir begins rolling up the scroll very slowly and calmly. Jake watches in bewilderment.]

AMIR: Um... I do fear that I'm actually going to die.



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching the end of an era.

JAKE: Chill, man.

AMIR: I am chill! Sorry. I am chill.



[The episode begins with a tracking shot through the office, where all of the employees are trying to work in spite of a loud argument taking place between Jake and Amir, who are still off-screen.]

JAKE: Don't yell at me. Okay, buddy? You asked for my thoughts, and now you're immediately telling--

AMIR: Shhh!

JAKE: You're shushing me? Are you kidding?

AMIR: Yeah, because opinions are like assholes: ya are one! And they stink, and so do you!

JAKE: Nice, you butchered that phrase!

AMIR: No.

JAKE: Okay, why do you think you're wearing a good outfit for work?

AMIR: Because it's healthy, dingus! My cousin Leron has a friend Chard who's a personal trainer!

JAKE: He has a friend named Chard?

AMIR: That's right. He's Swiss!

JAKE: Swiss Chard.

AMIR: Mm-hmm!

JAKE: Good. Go home.

AMIR: No!

JAKE: Go home and change.

AMIR: No, I have to work in it!

JAKE: You have to work in that! Wow.

AMIR: I have to work out in it! Yeah!

[The tracking shot ends, and Amir is revealed to be wearing a baggy silver sweat suit.]

JAKE: You're not working out in it, you're just--

AMIR: It doesn't matter. The one issue, honestly, is that it's a little hot. It's steamy. But--

JAKE: That's the sole purpose of the suit. It's supposed to be a sweat suit.

AMIR: --it is shiny. I like that it's shiny, and actually, I trust Chard.

JAKE: You trust him?

AMIR: I do trust Chard, because he has a record label.

SAM: [standing in the doorway of his office] Guys! My office, now!



[Jake and Amir are sitting in Sam's office.]

AMIR: [doing a voice] What seems to be the problem here, officer? [laughs]

SAM: You guys haven't done any work in the last eight years, and you're fired.

JAKE/AMIR: Excuse...?

SAM: You come into work, mainly only on Tuesdays, you argue loudly, disrupting the entire team, and you have never contributed to this company...

JAKE: That's not true, sir.

SAM: ...ever.

JAKE: That is not true, and you know it. Alright, we've had two auditions at least, and, um, one or two table reads as well.

SAM: That is three to four instances of work in the last eight years.

AMIR: Sorry, let me try to wrap my cock around this: you're saying me and you are done professionally?

JAKE: Bad joke.

AMIR: [laughing] It's not a joke! It's not a joke. Not everything is a joke.

JAKE: Are you gonna say you didn't say that hoping people would laugh?

AMIR: Nobody did laugh, though.

SAM: You see what you're doing? Even now you're arguing, and I'm firing you.

AMIR: Give us one chance, dude, okay? One more opportunity. Mom's spaghetti. I swear we'll write not just one episode for you, but an entire web series... eight hundred fucking episodes.

JAKE: Way too many.

SAM: Jesus.

AMIR: And they'll be cheap, too. Because all of them will be Jake and I, chatting.

JAKE: [sarcastically] Awesome pitch. That sounds really good.

AMIR: Yeah! It'll be me and you talking.

JAKE: Just talking at our desks?

AMIR: Mm-hmm!

JAKE: [giving Amir a thumbs-up] Yeah, I wanna watch that.

AMIR: [laughing] I do!

SAM: This could work... I mean, you did kick Jake's tongue off last year.

AMIR: [laughing] See? That's an episode! Another one could be, is if I'm, uh, a mime, or... I get a dog, or, uh, if I, one c-- one could be if I have a snake or bread.

JAKE: You're just saying nouns, dude.

AMIR: It's all funny, though, because if it's--

JAKE: Well focus on one episode.

AMIR: So think ab--

JAKE: Let's make one episode funny, rather than just finish all eight hundred--

AMIR: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no!

SAM: This... is the show.

SAM/AMIR: ...This... is the show. This is the show.

SAM/JAKE/AMIR: This is the show!

SAM: Stop it. I am with you guys. I'm willing to experiment with this, but I agree with Jake.

AMIR: Thi--

SAM: Eight hundred episodes is too many. I mean, you can't just take the same format, and do it over and over, and over... and over.

JAKE: That's enough.

SAM: Let's give one a shot and see how it comes out, and take it from there.

AMIR: Sam, I have a feeling you're gonna love the first episode of Amir and Jake!

SAM: Hmm. That name... [crossing his hands over each other, implying a reversal] ...is perfect.

JAKE: It's not bad, but what about J--

SAM: Perfect!



END

INTRO

BEN: Are you a Jake, or an Amir? Find out soon on Jerk and Abeesh!



[The episode begins at the end of the previous one, with Ben Schwartz bringing Jake and Amir into his house.]

BEN: These are my roommates.

[We see that Ben has many roommates that look exactly like him, accounting for all of what were assumed to be his previous appearances. The doctor and the priest are sitting at the table, and Scalbylausus Jim the H.R. guy, Sulu Candles the usher, and Charles Crooshtoost the milkman are in the kitchen. Amir Blumenfeld the dating coach scoots by on an office chair.]

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Milkman!

[In the living room, the office painter, Cherry Dude the real estate agent, and the couples therapist are sitting on the couch. Jope the private eye is crouching behind them.]

CHERRY DUDE: Heyyy!

[Jake shakes his head in disbelief.]

AMIR BLUMENFELD (DATING COACH): Hey, how are ya. Amir Blumenfeld.

AMIR: But--

AMIR BLUMENFELD (DATING COACH): But everybody's name is Amir Blumenfeld. [to Jake] What's your name?

JAKE: Jake Hurwitz.

AMIR BLUMENFELD (DATING COACH): [scoffs] The exception to the rule. [to Amir] Your name?

AMIR: Amir Blumenfeld!

[Ben gestures at Amir excitedly.]

AMIR BLUMENFELD (DATING COACH): Uhh, ah-thank-ahhh.

JAKE: I don't understand... you're Amir's old dating coach. [to the couples therapist] You're our couples therapist.

[The couples therapist begins doing his shrill seal laugh.]

JOPE: I told you, no more of that!

[Jope chloroforms the couples therapist.]

AMIR: Jope!

JAKE: How is this possible?

[The office painter says something, but the cigarette in his mouth makes it unintelligible. Jope puts the couples therapist's hand in his pants while he's out.]

JAKE: What?

[The office painter repeats himself.]

JAKE: Excuse me?

OFFICE PAINTER: [spitting out his cigarette] Art imitating life, Jake.

JAKE [to Ben, who looks like he is judging Jake] Don't do that. That's the first time he said it that way.

BEN: He said "art imitates life, Jake" three times!

AMIR: He did, yeah.

JAKE: Alright.

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: Oh, what's my name?

JAKE: Nobody asked you that.

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: My name is...

JAKE: Jim?

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: Scal... bylausus... Jim.

JAKE: Why do you introduce yourself like you're just figuring out your name for the first time?

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: I know my name! ...Oh, my name?

[Stanley, who is on the stairs, throws a net at Jake.]

STANLEY: Hold back, hold back, hold back! Moo... moo!

JAKE: I'm not a fucking cow, man.

STANLEY: You mean "Don't have a cow, man."

JAKE: I think you actually think that I'm a cow.

STANLEY: This is exactly what a fucking cow would say, to try to weasel and snake his way out of a confrontation--

JAKE: Okay, do you hear yourself? You're saying it sounds like something a cow would say, to weasel and sn-- [to Ben] your roommate's insane.

STANLEY: You stupid fucking cow.

BEN: Stanley, you know what? I'm pretty sure he's not a cow, but he is a dick.

[Carrot Slat comes through the door from another room.]

CARROT SLAT: How are you guys, huh? You ever figure out who shit in that copier?

JAKE: Oh, no.

BEN: Oh, yes. You've been a dick the entire day, Jake. Yes.

JAKE: No, no, I mean "oh no, it's Carrot".

AMIR: Carrot who?

JAKE: It's Carrot Slat!

AMIR: He tried to blow you!

JAKE: He tr-- wha--? He did blow me!

BEN: Okay.

JAKE: That's enough. I want the language to change, right now, that he did...

BEN: He is harmless, he is harmless.

[As Jake and Ben argue, Carrot Slat is pulled back through the door. Stepping out in his place is the interrogator from Interrogator Part 2, who was apparently a different person the whole time.]

INTERROGATOR: I shit in the copier.

JAKE: No. No, no no no, no, no--

[The interrogator punches Jake twice in the face and starts grabbing at Jake's belt.]

JAKE: Ow, oh! Oh-- g--

[Jake shoves him off, and the interrogator waddles away, spinning.]

JAKE: Get out of here!

STANLEY: [to the interrogator] You get that dirty fucking cow!

[The interrogator comes back, fists raised, punches Jake again and goes for the belt.]

STANLEY: Grade A beef!

INTERROGATOR: [suddenly stepping back] Get off of me!

JAKE: Don't blow me, man!

BEN: Why would he blow you, Jake?

JAKE: He's done it before, okay? He really has.

BEN: Tried to.

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Milkman, milkman, milkman! Looks like you got a shiner there. You want something cold to put on it?

JAKE: Yes, please.

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Ah, well the name is Charles Crooshtoost, and I bring milk to man! What year could I get you, son?

JAKE: Anything that's cold.

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: In my hand right now, I've got a vintage September 1242.

JAKE: No, that sounds like it's way too old.

BEN: Well...

JAKE: It's antique milk.

BEN: Who knows?

[Amir shrugs.]

JAKE: It's poison.

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Where's the shiner?

JAKE: It's right here.

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Milkman, milkman, milkman!

JAKE: Yes, thank you, thank you--

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST [pouring chunky milk all over Jake's head] Here we go, and now we're feeling good in the hood! We're feeling good in the hood.

JAKE: What the fuck are you--

STANLEY: You're wasting all that cow juice!

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Way to go, gotta go!

JAKE: ...Why did you do that?

DOCTOR: Guys, I am a doctor. Everybody calm down. You shouldn't be pouring old milky cottage cheese on your face. Take the cold glass, and put it against your face!

JAKE: Yeah, I know.

AMIR: You should have listened to the doctor, Jake.

JAKE: Don't.

SULU CANDLES: [singing and dancing] I hear we're writing a movie, I hear we're writing a movie! I hear we're writing a movie... but first, let's eat a snack!

[Sulu Candles throws a bag of candy at Jake, and it hits him in the face.]

STANLEY: You could have caught it if you had fingers, cow!

JAKE: This is the worst day of my life.

BEN: Ugh... what about the day you got your dick sucked?

JAKE: ...That was up there too.

BEN: Right.

AMIR: The attempted dick-sucking.

JAKE: Attem-- it happened.

BEN: Sure.

JAKE: Get that through your head.

BEN: Sure.

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: Oh, what's my name?

AMIR: Geez, how many people live here? How'd you find this place?

BEN: Actually, Cherry Dude found it for us, and he moved in.

CHERRY DUDE: It was either this or a cupcake in La Cienega that'll drive ya wild!

AMIR: I'd be down to live in a cupcake.

JAKE: You already live in a muffin, [to Cherry Dude] thanks to you.

CHERRY DUDE: Movin' on!

BEN: Everybody, listen up: Jake and Amir are here because they want to write a web series, and they need a little help with the first episode.

JOPE: Ooh, I'll DJ the premiere party. What about this... [singing] Hey, yo, my name is Drake... do you know my buddy Samuel... he's got a Razor scooter... go, Samuel, you're doing it!

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: And I will bring the milk!

JAKE: Nobody drinks milk at parties.

[As Charles Crooshtoost is talking, Sulu Candles tries to make Jake flinch with the bag of candy.]

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Okay, how old are the kids going to your parties? "Nobody drinks milk at parties"!

JAKE: Do you party with children?

BEN: Jake, why are you taking the wind out of everybody's sails? [to Amir] Is he always like this?

JAKE: [gesturing to Charles Crooshtoost] He's a pedophile.

AMIR: He's-- he's literally always negative to me, and he's always bringing me down.

BEN: Oh my God. You know what? You have to start saying "yes, and" to things. That's how comedy works. You build upon things.

[The interrogator returns.]

INTERROGATOR: That's right, you piece of shit. So stop saying no and start saying yes! [lunges at Jake's pants]

JAKE: Get out of here! Hey-- Ow! Get off of me, man!

INTERROGATOR: Fine! It may be illegal now, but it won't be for long!

JAKE: It's always gonna be against the law to do that.

INTERROGATOR: [leaving] Oh, we'll see. My dad's in the Senate.

JAKE: Alright, look, stop it. You guys can all help. Just one idea at a time, and no blowing me.

BEN: Oh.

AMIR: Or...

BEN: Or?

AMIR: ...everyone pitch their ideas at the same time and we get out of here fifty times quicker.

BEN: So smart. Let's do that. I'll get my laptop. Let's go over here.

JAKE: Not smart. It's actually a dumb idea.

[Amir follows Ben and makes a two-person conga line.]

BEN: [sitting down at his laptop] Everybody, on your marks, get set, go!

[All of Ben's roommates begin talking over each other. Most of the dialogue is lost in the cacophony.]

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: Fade up, on Charles Crooshtoost...

SULU CANDLES: Open on a movie theater...

CHERRY DUDE: ...in Wilshire. There he is...

JOPE: ...What are they doing? They're trying to...

CHARLES CROOSHTOOST: [singing] ...Hail to the milkman, the milkman, the milkman! Hail to the milkman, the milkman is me!...

SCALBYLAUSUS JIM: ...never been stretched before. What are these called? Elbows...

SULU CANDLES: ...all the snacks to themselves! What am I gonna do? How am I gonna do it?...

STANLEY: ...and strikes the defender! "Whoa, cow," he says, "whoa!"

SULU CANDLES: ...What are we gonna do?...

[Ben and Amir both type on the computer, and Amir laughs maniacally at what they're writing.]



[A title card reads "4 Hours Later". Jake has toweled the milk off his face.]

BEN: Done! ...Perfect, we did it!

JAKE: No it's not. I didn't get a word in edgewise, guys. How many pages is this thing?

BEN: Yeah-- it is... four hundred and two pages, but, to be fair, it is double-sided.

JAKE: That is 804, then.

BEN: Yeah, but you know what? I just double-checked it: it's way over a thousand.

AMIR: That's okay. It's better to have over a thousand pages of garbage than four pages of gold.

BEN: Yeah.

JAKE: Completely disagree.

BEN: Hey, what do you guys say about a wrap party, huh?

[Ben hits a key, and Stony's remix "The Milkman" begins playing. Scalbylausus Jim and Sulu Candles start dancing, and Charles Crooshtoost mouths along to the words.]

JAKE: [as Ben and Amir dance] How is this possible? These are sound clips from our actual lives.



[A montage begins, set to "The Milkman", featuring outtakes from all of the episodes in which Ben Schwartz appeared.]

LYRICS: (as in the video)
Listen up, everybody, this is the guy
That sucked my dick, sucked my dick

Milkman please, milkman please
A glass of your least expired milk
Absolutely, I have July 13th (That's good, that's good)
1991 (Mmm, even better)

Listen up, everybody, this is the guy
That sucked my dick, sucked my dick
(Listen up, everybody!) No! This is the guy
That sucked my dick, sucked my dick

Milkman please, milkman please
A glass of your least expired milk
Absolutely, I have July 13th (That's good, that's good)
1991

Alright alright, now ladies (Yeah)
Say ladies (Yeah)
Stop beating me up, stop sucking me off
Shake, shake shake it like a (Polaroid)
Shake it like a (Polaroid)
I shit in the copier, I shit in the copier

Alright alright, now ladies (Yeah)
Say ladies (Yeah)
Stop beating me up, stop sucking me off
Shake, shake shake it like a (Polaroid)
Shake it like a (Polaroid)
I shit in the copier, I shit in the copier

Listen up, everybody, this is the guy
That sucked my dick, sucked my dick
(Listen up, everybody!) No! This is the guy
That sucked my dick...
I'm gonna cum (Skeet!)

Please, milkman please
A glass of your least expired milk
Absolutely, I have July 13th (That's good, that's good)
1991 (Mmm, even better)



[Jake, Amir, and Ben share a moment out of character.]

JAKE: Hey Ben.

BEN: Yeah?

JAKE: Thank you.

BEN: No, thank you, man.

AMIR: You've been great.

BEN: This has been so much fun.

[Amir and Ben hug. Ben goes to Jake for a hug, but dips down toward Jake's crotch at the last second.]

JAKE: No, no!

BEN: Yeah, yeah, of course.



END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.

AMIR: Not for long!

JAKE: That's true.

AMIR: Wait, what?



[Jake and Amir are on a sound stage, sitting in director's chairs. Amir has a megaphone.]

AMIR: [patting Jake on the knee] Good shoot, as they say! Good shoot!

JAKE: Can you please not? Alright? That was an absolutely harrowing experience.

AMIR: Nobody said making art would be easy.

JAKE: You cut off your own dick today, man.

AMIR: [through the megaphone] Excuse...?

JAKE: You stepped out of your trailer in front of a huge plume of crystal meth smoke. You strode onto the set, put your penis through the slate, and said "'The Entire Crew Screams and Calls 911', take two," and slammed the device on your shaft. Your genitals hit the floor with a sickening slap, and everyone stood in stunned silence for an eternity.

[Amir accidentally sets off the megaphone's siren, but turns it off. Jake snatches it away from him.]

AMIR: Oh!

JAKE: You never stopped smiling through the whole entire thing, even as you bled out through the stump on your mound, even as the paramedics arrived, and failed to reattach your reproductive organ. You kept yelling, "I'll be a better director as a eunuch! My libido won't guide my eye!"

[Amir gestures along as Jake quotes him, raising his arms for emphasis and then pointing at his eye.]

AMIR: I'm sorry if I went dickless for Michael Chiklis. I'm serious. [air quotes] I apologize if I "inconvenienced anybody".

JAKE: You inconvenienced everybody. Eventually, you convinced the paramedics to attach your big toe to your pelvic bone to use as your phallus. You said "as long as it's chubby, a girl will rubby". I will never forget that weird rhyme as long as I live.

AMIR: Huh... Thank you--

JAKE: Not a compliment. You also rented an IMAX camera, for no reason. That's a hundred thousand dollars, for the day, out of our budget, and you didn't even shoot anything interesting! You laid it on the ground, and paraded a bunch of construction paper dinosaurs around in front of it.

AMIR: [holding a paper pterodactyl out in front of him] Welcome, to Jurassic Shart?

JAKE: So dumb. Don't--

[Amir grunts and squirms for a long time, and shits without farting. He throws the pterodactyl down in frustration.]

JAKE: Great. You shit your pants without farting. So it's not even a shart; it's just a shit.

AMIR: [frustrated] Anal!

JAKE: What are you gonna do without a penis?

AMIR: Let me ask: Why are you so fixated on that small part of the day?

JAKE: "Fixated on that"... it's a small part of you.

AMIR: A lot of other stuff happened, by the way!

JAKE: You know what? I'm fixated because you castrated yourself publicly!

AMIR: [sarcastically] Oooooh!

JAKE: Yeah! Yeah, you ruined today! We didn't get any good footage!

AMIR: It's there in pieces!

JAKE: Your penis is in pieces!

AMIR: Excuse you! Absolutely excuse you!

JAKE: Excuse you. You monster.

AMIR: By the way, whatever we didn't get today, we pick up tomorrow! That's why it's called a pick-up!

JAKE: What money do we shoot the pick-ups with? You blew the entire budget! A hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars gone, spent on an IMAX camera and a lunch comprised entirely of bird's nest soup! It's a Chinese delicacy. It cost forty-five hundred dollars a bowl, which of course meant we didn't even get to feed the entire crew of fifty people.

AMIR: [holding up a finger to stop Jake] I had a KIND bar.

JAKE: Oh good! Good, so you ate.

AMIR: I had a KIND bar--

JAKE: You also had soup!

AMIR: --and soup! I had a KIND bar and soup, which I think is f--

JAKE: How is that fair? Other people didn't eat anything at all!

AMIR: Let's talk post-production for a second.

JAKE: Insane.

AMIR: I'm thinking in terms of editing, I can cut the bitch up myself.

JAKE: Do you know how to--

AMIR: I mean, I do have iMovie.

JAKE: Do you know how to edit?

AMIR: You know what? Suck my fuckin' toe, dude!

JAKE: Good, good reaction.

[Amir unzips his pants and whips out his relocated big toe.]

AMIR: Suck my toe!

JAKE: Oh! Oh, it's wiggling!



END