INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching a pimp and Amir!

AMIR: Nice!

JAKE: I'm a pimp!

AMIR: I know.

JAKE: I am!



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is on his phone. Amir is playing with some wind-up chattering teeth. Jake abruptly bursts into song, which startles Amir.]

JAKE: [singing] I'm swiping right! I matched on Tinder...! She is sixteen.

AMIR: Sixteen?

JAKE: Nineteen. Easy does it. Nineteen. What did I sing?

AMIR: Sixteen.

JAKE: Pervert! That's illegal.

AMIR: Yeah!

JAKE: Yeah.

AMIR: ...Yes.

JAKE: Okay.

AMIR: Okay.

JAKE: Alright.

AMIR: Good.

JAKE: So we're clear, she's sixteen-- nineteen! Now you got me sayin' it! [laughs]

AMIR: You said it first!

JAKE: Anyway, this is a snatch made in Heaven! Alright? Nineteen. Her name is Lod. [pronounced "load"]

AMIR: Lord?

JAKE: Lod. L-O-D. As in she has double-D's. It's French or some shit, and I'm going to french... [miming licking breasts] ...her tits!

AMIR: I wonder if I should get Tinder!

JAKE: I'm gonna stop you right there. I wouldn't do that, just 'cause you're what my Tinder coach would call an app-killer. You're someone who doesn't just get left-swiped; you actually inspire people to delete the app. [laughing] You're ugly.

AMIR: Mean!

JAKE: Sometimes the truth hurts. You've got to embrace it. I was an app-killer myself before I met Chet, but it only cost me fifty bucks per match to become Mr. Right-Swiped!

AMIR: Loser! You have a Tinder coach?

JAKE: Goddamn right I do.

AMIR: How many matches have you gotten?

JAKE: [holding up one finger] Just the one. Just the one so far, but I've only been right-swiping for a year.

[Amir makes an incredulous face. Jake mocks him defensively.]

AMIR: Long time.

JAKE: The trick? Shirtless pics! That's right, a topless pic for this thick dick makes the chicks--

[Jake gags.]

AMIR: Oh.

[Jake gags again.]

AMIR: Oh!

[Jake gags a third time.]

AMIR: Why?

[Jake vomits onto his desk. Amir watches in astonishment. Jake spits out the last of the vomit and continues.]

JAKE: ...sick!

AMIR: Holy shit. How?

JAKE: [clearing his throat] I fingered a cat, dude! At a shelter!

AMIR: Inhumane!

JAKE: [wiping his mouth] I guess I'm just excited about my date with Lod tonight.

AMIR: That's not a good reason!

JAKE: With Lod.

AMIR: Where are you taking her?

JAKE: Get this, dude: I'm gonna meet her online. She's got a cam, and I am her man! Me and a couple other choice bachelorinos are going to, uh... [makes a masturbating gesture] ...kinda jack it, while she [singing] talks dirty to me! [dancing, trying to sing the sax line of "Talk Dirty" by Jason Derulo] Da-na-na, da, da-na-na-na-naaa, na-na-na, na, naaa-na-na!

AMIR: ...She's a bot.

JAKE: What the fuck did you just say?

AMIR: ...I mean, it's clear to me--

JAKE: Whoa, buddy! What the fuck did you just say about my girlfriend?

AMIR: These photos are of--

JAKE I'm gonna tell you one thing right now, before you say what I think you're about to say. This "bot", as you're gonna callously call her? She might be my future wife, and the mother to my future children! So please, I beg of you, actually I demand of you, to proceed with reverence.

AMIR: All--

JAKE: Tread lightly. Fucker.

AMIR: All these photos are of different strippers.

JAKE: Meaning?

AMIR: Meaning, this one's blonde. This one's a redhead. This one's Asian!

JAKE: Yeah! Lod keeps you guessing, man. That's why I dig her. Plus we really connected over chat! Things got real!

AMIR: Yeah, she wrote "Hey, cutie. Want to see me tonight? Go to livecamgirlwhores.co.nz and enter your billing info."

JAKE: Yes! I kind of like when girls ask for what they want. I think that's sexy. Maybe you disagree.

AMIR: You responded "I don't have a credit card. Can I PayPal or Venmo you? I think this could be the real deal, and I'd hate to lose you over a technicality, Lod."

JAKE: Sorry for me telling her what I want too!

AMIR: She responds "Sorry, cutie. No cash. Need billing info."

JAKE: Fair.

AMIR: You write "Shit, shit, shit. Okay, calling my dad. Do not hang up, please."

JAKE: I was worried about losing her.

AMIR: She writes "Don't worry, cutie. This is a text conversation. There is no hanging up."

JAKE: She's there for me when I'm feeling weak.

AMIR: Alright...

JAKE: By the way, I resent the implication that I'm not good at texting. I'm a Casanova in that regard.

AMIR: Yeah, you finally respond "My dad yelled at me, but I cried, cried, cried, and my mommy was able to make things right by snagging a pic of Dad's CC."

JAKE: There we go. Everything's right in the world.

AMIR: "Sending you some major coin as we squeak."

JAKE: She deserved it.

AMIR: She says nothing!

JAKE: Didn't have to.

AMIR: You write again "I love you."

JAKE: 'Cause I do.

AMIR: She said nothing.

JAKE: Didn't have to.

AMIR: You write "I love you so much, Lod."

JAKE: I do. I love her so much.

AMIR: She says nothing.

JAKE: Didn't have to.

AMIR: Okay, 'cause then you said "I'll see you tonight on the cam. I love you so much, Lod."

JAKE: What don't you understand, dude? She's playing hard to wet!

AMIR: She just wrote back "Can't do tonight, cutie."

JAKE: What?

AMIR: "I withdrew a thousand dollars from the account as a holding fee for next week."

JAKE: No...

AMIR: Yeah.

JAKE: No!

AMIR: Yes.

JAKE: Lod!

AMIR: What?

JAKE: Why, Lod?



END