Collegehumor.com subtitle: Once you get to know me, I'm a bad guy.

INTRO

Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir!

Amir: Or are they?

Jake: They are.

Amir: Alrighty.



(Jake, Streeter, Julie, Michael, and several unnamed characters are sitting around a table. Paul is standing up, talking to them. Amir is standing and wearing a denim vest.)

Paul: Hey everybody, thanks for coming today. Uh, the reason I wanted to have this all-hands meeting is because that there are a lot of new faces at the company, and I thought this would be a good chance to get to know each other. So why don't we go around the room, everybody say your name, what you do, and maaaybe a fun fact about yourself. I'll start. I'm Paul, I'm the CEO, and my favorite movie is Con Air.

(Everybody sitting at the table nods in recognition. Amir starts laughing in a forced tone.)

Amir: Heh heh heh. NOT. Bad movie, (Amir pumps his vest) bad you.

Jake: Bad vest.

Amir: Nooo, it's jeans.

Paul: Anyway, Julie do you want to go?

Julie: Um, my name is Julie--

(Amir holds his palms up, as if to defend himself)

Amir: Woah, hotty! (snort)

Julie: I'm an intern, I'm 17--

Amir: Owch.

Julie: Um, I'm on--

Amir: Your period, we know.

Julie: A special high school mentor-ship.

(Jake holds his face in his hands)

Julie: I'm actually 16, I- I lied to seem older but I'd prefer if everyone knew my real age.

(Amir nods repetitively)

Amir: 17 is fine Julie, she's 17.

Jake: You know what buddy, 17 wasn't fine.

Michael: Hi guys, uh, I'm Michael Fink. (looks over at Amir)

Amir: Holy shit a star is born! Everybody Shia Labeouf is in the house, and he's ready to take the floor.

Michael: (still introducing himself) Uh, I'm an intern--

Amir: You're a God! You're an A-list God!

Michael: And I once ate an entire pint of Ben Jerry's Phish Food.

Amir: You once made out with Megan Fox's box on the set of Transformers the first, you humble bitch. Brag a little! You've earned it! (Chuckling, then whisper) Shia-it.

Streeter: Hey everyone, I'm Streeter Seidell--

Amir: You mean Streeter Pie-Fell, as in a Pie Fell, in your mouth, and you pretty much... loved it. (Chuckling)

Streeter: Yeah right, exactly. Uh, I'm the editor in chief here--

Amir: Editor in cheese? (snort) You wish you were in cheese.

Streeter: (Below his breath at Amir) Alright, c'mon. (Back to introduction) And uh, my favorite food--

Amir: Is everything.

Streeter: Alright I walked right into that one.

(Amir nods)

Jake: Uh, I'm Jake--

Amir: This man needs no introduction, and if you don't know who he is (points to the door) get the fuck out.

(The person sitting next to Jake stands up and walks out)

Jake: (Looking at the person walking out). Are you... C'mon.

(Paul walks out of the room, several others follow him.)

Jake: I'm a writer here--

Amir: You're more than that. You're a generous man, you're a kind soul, and you're engaged. A family man, everyone.

Jake: Paul just said to say what we do with the company.

Amir: Yeah, Paul also said that his favorite movie was Con Air but nobody called him out on that!

Jake: You did! Where did you get that vest?

Amir: Allow me to give Jake's interesting fact, we're in love.

Jake: I won a spelling bee in forth grade.

Amir: And you deserve to win it in fifth.

Jake: That doesn't make any sense.

Amir: Alright, my turn.

Jake: It's actually not.

Amir: My name is Amir Valerie Blumenfeld, I am an unpaid consultant for this company, I once killed an innocent child, and I love mini-golf. (Mimes putting the ball) It was not on purpose, but it's something that I live with, every day. (Winks)

Streeter: Okay, what?

Amir: That's right! I once shot 3 holes in one in a row it wasn't an accident either, the killing.

Julie: You monster.

Amir: I am a monster. On the golf course I take no prisoners. Also I will never un-see that child's face. Every blink is a reminder and every time my eyes aren't open she's just in my minds eye, taunting me. (Makes a scary face). Bleh.

Michael: How could you do that?

Amir: How could you do that? Crystal Skull? We saw that, it was garbage! I killed a child? (Amir starts crawling to where Michael is sitting across the table). Yeah, well you killed a franchise!

(Streeter grabs Amir by his vest and pushes him against the table)

Streeter: Hey! Hands off the beef!

Amir: Don't eat my vest. Don't eat my vest. I'm serious man do not eat my friggin vest.