JAKE: Hey, what's that, uh, killer away mess that you throw up when you have to go #2?

AMIR: Dropping brown babies off at the pool, why?

JAKE: That's it. I'm going to throw that puppy up there right now.

AMIR: Come on, don't.

JAKE: Sorry, bro.

(Pat begins laughing, followed by Dan, then Jeff, Streeter and the entire office. They all crowd around Jake applauding and cheering and then hoist him up and begin chanting his name as they carry him around)

AMIR: Come on, you gu- (Amir gets kicked in the chin by Jake, waking up in the now empty office. It was all a bizarre dream. It is dark out.) Brown babies is mine.

JAKE: What are you talking about? It's 9:30, go home.

THE END.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpJkr-8qiNc

(Jake sneezes.)

Sarah: Bless you Jake.

Amir: God bless you. (Looks around) I'm the only one? I'm the only one that will say god bless you.

(Amir gets up and meanders towards Jeff while talking, looking toward Jake)

Sarah: I said god bless you.

Amir: I said god bless you. Only after I called you out on it, you inconsiderate bitch.

Jeff: Jesus, dude, come on!

Amir: (Still looking at Jake) Dude, come on! How many times have you sneezed since you got here, bro? 114? This guy hasn't said
anything. (Socks Jeff)

Jeff: Fuck!

(Everyone else gets up to stop Amir)

Amir: Huh you dumb piece of shit! Why don't you say god bless you now?!

Jeff: Dude!

Amir: I'm gonna take him open!

(Everyone else arrives and restrains Amir)

Amir: SAY GOD BLESS YOU NOW!

Jake: Chill out!

Amir: SAY GOD BLESS YOU NOW! He's the one being rude, you tell me to chill out?! You chill out!

Vinny: Fucking psycho!

Amir: Get off of me! Get the fuck off of me!

(They let him go, his shirt now torn and bloody. He sneezes. No one says anything.)

JAKE: Okay, you know why I called you in here?

AMIR: Because you don't know where your wallet is.

JAKE: (Reaches for wallet) No, I have - Damn it!

Amir pulls out Jake's wallet

JAKE: I want you to sign up for a dating service.

AMIR: Okay, I'm not interested, so. Let's play Snood!

JAKE: No, no, no, no. I don't care if you're interested or not, okay. I need you to leave me alone. Meet new people.

AMIR: Okay.

---

AMIR: Username! "JakeAndAmir".

JAKE: God, fine.

AMIR: Password. Turn around...

Jake hides his eyes with his hand.

AMIR: How do you spell your mom's maiden name?

JAKE: It's "Krick".

AMIR: (yelling) I know what it is! I wanna how to spell it.

JAKE: Well, I'll put it in.

AMIR: Okay, but close your eyes.

Jake closes his eyes while typing.

---

JAKE: Okay, relationship status.

AMIR: Single and ready to tingle.

JAKE: Mingle, I think you mean.

AMIR: No, no, no, I wanna get like a tingly sensation when I meet a girl. It just shows that maybe she's the one for me.

JAKE: That's kind of nice.

AMIR: AKA a boner.

JAKE: AKA a, okay.

AMIR: A bone-sauce.

JAKE: Gross.

---

JAKE: How often do you drink?

AMIR: Never.

JAKE: You never drink alcohol?

AMIR: Oh alc- I thought it meant water.

---

JAKE: Okay, your height.

AMIR: Put "two feet and nine inches".

JAKE: What?

AMIR: Because I have two feet, (wiggling his fingers, high-pitched voice) and nine inches!

JAKE: So you think your fingers are inches, but you only have nine of them.

AMIR: Yeeee-no.

---

JAKE: Eye color.

AMIR: Blue.

JAKE: Nope.

AMIR: Okay. Oh, I thought you said "hair".

JAKE: Still no.

AMIR: Okay. I thought you said "sky".

JAKE: Closer.

---

JAKE: Alright, distance you want your match to be.

AMIR: Okay, whatever, dude. Love knows no bounds, right? Like as long as they're in New York City though.

JAKE: Okay so--

AMIR: Love is- like if they're within 3 miles of me, love is boundless.

JAKE: Got it. So 3 miles.

AMIR: But, they have to be close because (hugs Jake) I'm a cuddler--

JAKE: Get--!

---

JAKE: Alright. Interests. What do you do for fun?

AMIR: I mean, my cousin owns a laser tag place in Queens.

JAKE: Okay, so laser tag.

AMIR: Wuwait, no. For fun, we rummage through the kids' backpacks while they're playing laser tag and we look for juice.

JAKE: ...

AMIR: Once we find the juice, we drink it.

JAKE: Stop there.

---

JAKE: How often do you work out?

AMIR: Never ever, ever!

JAKE: Kay, well I'll put "never" cause there's no--

AMIR: Wuwuwait. I want to imply that I never will.

---

JAKE: Okay, describe your education.

AMIR: K through! (pretends to shoot basketball)

JAKE: K through 12?

AMIR: No no no, I went through kindergarten and then I was through.

---

JAKE: What race best describes you?

AMIR: Easy. Asian, cuz, I'm good at math.

JAKE: Okay. I'm just- I'm gonna put that you're racist.

AMIR: Okay.

---

JAKE: Okay. I think we're done. We just need to upload a picture of you.

AMIR: Oh, yo yo yo yo, check this one out. It's my favorite picture of me.

Amir shows Jake a picture on his phone.

JAKE: Eugh.

AMIR: It's from the laser tag place.

JAKE: Yeah, you are covered in juice.

AMIR: (Laughs) Yeah, I'm still sticky.

JAKE: I smell it. I can smell it. Was that recently?

AMIR: Yeah, it was like two weeks ago. Three weeks ago.

END.

INTRO:

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir

AMIR: Coincidence?

JAKE: No...

EPISODE:

[JAKE is doing push ups on the ground in an office]

[JAKE gets up, sits, and faces camera, interview style]

JAKE: I'm pumped up, does my chest look big?

MAN: Yeah

JAKE: Is it big?

MAN: Mhm

JAKE: Alright, ready?

JAKE: Hey Real World, my name is Jake Hurwitz AKA J-Witz, I love partying, I hate clubbers, punks, bitches, and drama. I'm just a twenty four year old dude from Manhattan, tryin' to make a life, by myself, and uh, whatever

[AMIR in background, outside of office, rummaging through trash]

AMIR: Whoa...Oh my God, popcorn y'all! Food for free, food for me.

JAKE: That was a really good take,we should probably...

AMIR: Oh, free bread y'all!

[Pan and zoom to Amir]

MAN: Is he eating out of the garbage?

JAKE: Yeah

AMIR: Gimme gimme more, gimme more...

JAKE: That's Amir he does that a lot.

AMIR: gimme more [giggles] Oh yeah, oh yeah, lower my leg, F my F F my...I love it

MAN: Does he...

JAKE: No, do you want to help him?

[AMIR continues giggling, Streeter approaches him]

STREETER: AMIR what the hell are you doing?

AMIR: What the hell man, get the hell away this is MY food [Points plastic knife at him]

STREETER: That's a knife! Jesus! [Runs away]

[Amir continues rambling and rummaging in background]

JAKE: He has a knife...

MAN: How long has he been doing this?

AMIR: Popcorn oatmeal sandwich

JAKE: Since I met him three years ago, probably long before that.

AMIR: Jake's gonna love this

[Amir begins walking towards office]

JAKE: He looks okay, he found some oatmeal, let's just roll, I have to, I have to do push ups again.

AMIR: Uh, Jake, you want some oatmeal? I just made some, I whipped some up if you're..

JAKE: I watched you pick it out of the garbage can, you didn't make it.
[Amir turns to leave, Jake returns to face the camera]
JAKE: Hey Real World I'm..

AMIR: JAKE. I'll be here [Points to trash]

EPISODE

Intro:

Amir: CHOOOO CHOOOO! CHHHCHCHCH CHCH PJJJJJJ!

Jake: Bad sound effects.

Amir: Whateva

[Starts, Jake and Amir sitting across from each other like usual. Amir with a subtle grin and his head being supported by his fists.]

Jake: So no computer today huh?

Amir: Nah. I figure I never do any work on it, so why bring it into work?

Jake: Well, at least it's refreshingly honest.

Amir: Oh by the way, Shanah Tova...so.

Jake: What?

Amir: It means "Happy new year" in Hebrew. It's the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah.

Jake: That's nice. Alright, thank you.

Amir: You...don't...know...Hebrew, do you?

Jake: No.

Amir sound surprised.

Amir: Oh my god.

Jake: Why is tha-what?

Amir starts speaking in Hebrew.

Amir: .?? ??? ?? ???? ?? ???? ???? ?????

Az, ata lo mevin mah she'ani medaber achshav.

So you don't get what I'm saying right now.

Jake: I don't speak Hebrew.

Amir: I just said "So you don't get what I'm saying".

Jake: I don't...I don't get it.

Amir: .????? ??? ????? ?? ???? ??? ???

Achshav ata b'tzurah lo tovah chaver sheli

Now you're in very bad shape...

Jake: It doesn't mean anything to me.

Amir: I just said "That's silly".

Jake: I mean c'mon. It's not that silly.

Amir: ????? ???. ?????, ???? ???? ??????? ???? ???? ?????? ???? ???

??, ??? ??? ?????? ?? ???? ????. ??? ????

Tishmah chaver. Achshav, sh'ata medaber banglit v'ani medaber b'ivrit v'ata oneh

li, ata chayav laasot ma sh'ata omer. Ata mevin?

Listen up, bitch. Here are the rules. When I speak in Hebrew, and you reply.

Your reply, though in English is still binding. Do you agree? If so, say yes.

Jake: Okay. I don't get what you're saying, but you're tone is getting kind of creepy so-

Amir: I just asked if your shirt was grey.

??? ??? ????

Az ata mevin?

Do you agree to these rules?

Jake: Yes Amir, my shirt is grey.

Amir: .???...??? ???? ??? ?????? ??? ???? ?????. ???? ?? ?????

Um...ata rotzeh lacho l'aruchat erev iti halaila. Tagid ken b'vakasha.

Um...Dinner tonight? Say yes please.

Jake: Okay. I'm gonna get back to work okay?

Amir: "Are you wearing jeans?" I asked you.

Jake: YES, Amir.

Amir:?? ??? ?'??. ???...???. ??? ???????, ???? ????, ??????, ???????,

????? ?? ?? ?? ??? ???, ?????, ????? ?? ?? ?????. ????

???? ??? ?? ???? ???? ???. ????? ?? ????? ?? ?????? ?? ???

??? ???? ????? ?? ????????. ?? ????. ?? ???? ????. ??? ????

Oh and Jake. Hmm..sorry. Achar sh'ochlim, nealech b'yachad, b'monit, l'Queens,

la laser tag shel ben dod sheli, Lerone, v'nesachek ad sheish baboker. V'ata

holech latet li leratzeh hachol paam. V'hechazeh lo norid et ha'begadim shel laser

tag shelanu l'chodesh o chodshtaim. Lo yodeah. Ma sh'ata rotzeh. Ata mevin?

After we eat, we shall go in a taxi, to Queens. To Lerone's laser tag, and

we'll play until six in the morning. And you're gonna let me win every time

bitch. And no taking off our laser tag gear for a month- or two. I dunno.

Whatever you want. Do you understand?

Jake: I...I don't know. What did you just say?

Amir: I just said I was sorry, okay? Are we cool?

Jake: You were just talking for such a long time I fee...Y'kn-No, yes, the answer Amir, is

yes.

Amir: And after laser tag, you will be bound to drive me into Canadia. Where we will

meet our-

Jake: Sorry! Are you meaning to be speaking in Hebrew right now?

A short period of silence as Amir thinks how to respond. Amir shakes his head.

Amir: .??

Ken.

Yes.

Outro:

Amir: Oh sheesh y'all. Zeh chalom!

** 'twas a dream!**

Jake: Got it.

Amir: 'twas a dream.

Jake: I said I got it.

INTRO

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Turn your cellphone off.

Amir: I'm playing a game!

Jake: I know.



Murph: Why don't we just come back later?

Jake: 'Cuz I'm good at juggling now, Murph, alright? I'm just nervous.

Sarah: You're not even close.

Jake: Now I'm pissed. I'm obviously not going to be a good juggler if I'm pissed. Don't leave! Don't leave! Please don't leave. Here, I'll do it.

Amir (skipping in chanting USA): We caught the bitch! We caught the bitch!

Jake: What are you talking about?

Amir: Osama bin Hidin'. Osama bin Not.

Sarah: He was hiding.

Amir: Well now he's not. We're gonna put him on trial, and I'm gonna grill him. (sizzling noise) George Foreman style. AKA with onions.

Murph: That's not George Foreman style.

Jake: Sorry, why do you think you would be the one to interrogate Osama bin Laden?

Amir: Because he's guilty

Jake: He's dead.

Amir: As charged, and I'm gonna bring him there.

Murph: No, like he's actually dead.

Amir: What?

Jake: How do you hear about this story and not know he was dead?

Amir: I saw a two month old New York Post on the subway this morning with his face on it and figured we had caught the bitch, right? Put a net around him and dragged his ass to Yankees Stadium, put him on trial in front of the fearless fans of Bronx's Alpha, parked his car in the Harvard yard, took him to the square.

Jake: That's Boston.

Amir: Only it wasn't Osama bin Laden; it was my dad. And it wasn't Yankees Stadium, either, it was like my elementary school and I was naked.

Jake: Ok, so now you're talking about like a dream you had, did you pass out or something?

Amir: Mhm. Yeah I fainted, twice. Today, actually. Once at my aunt's condo on the way over here in a bowl of cereal, and another on like a subway platform, and when I came to there were 35 police officers looking down on me, told me I missed the train by like half an inch. I was this close-

Jake: Alright, stop talking. You're saying, like a million different things at once and the only person who can juggle that many things at once is named yours truly.

Jake: Alright leave! Everybody just leave, leave, alright? I'll make a video of me juggling, but for now; screw you guys, you need to go home. Alright, Murph, you're lucky you're a bitch, that would've hit you square. You got your bitch shield up, dude.

Jake (Murph is wrestling him): Ow! Alright. Ow! Ah! Ah! Ow! Murph! I was joking!

Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, (in bad witch voice) my pretties.

Jake: What is that?

Amir: I'm a witch!

Jake: Got it.



[Jake and Amir walk in and sit down at Jakes desk]

Jake: Alright, let me explain the economic crisis to you, so you don't embarrass yourself in another meeting.

Amir: Ok, I thought I handled myself with gravity and poise.

Jake: You took out a hundred dollar bill, lit it on fire, and then tried to light a cigar with it; you failed, you burned yourself pretty badly, and you burned Karen really badly.

Amir: Ok, she was loving it.

Jake: She was already upset because she lost half of her retirement fund in the last three months.

Amir: Yeah, that's what you get for investing in cock futures.

Jake: She didn't invest in cock futures, ok? nobody is inve.. What is a cock future?

So the government needed to raise the debt ceiling in order to pay back billions of dollars in foreign loans. (interrupted by Amir)

Amir: Woah woah slow down I wasn't listening.

Jake: Slow down or you weren't listening?

Amir: What's the difference?

Jake: Well one implies you were giving some effort but I was just talking too fast, the other one is just that you're being an asshole Interrupted by Amir

Amir: Woah woah slow down!

Jake: So it was the second one?

Amir: Second WHAT!

Jake: You then rolled up a hundred dollar bill, shoved it in Karens ear and lit the tip of it on fire, screaming Enjoy this ear candle you dumb bitch, it's half the price of a cock future and unlike you it's guaranteed to blow smoke up my ass.

Amir: Yeah, which got a huge laugh.

Jake: A lot of people tried to tackle you.

Amir: So why doesn't Obama just like cut a check and call it a day?

Jake: You think Obama would be the one to cut a check? Amir shrugs They needed more than a Trillion dollars.

Amir: Oh a trillion. Which is?

Jake: A thousand billion

Amir: Right. Which is?

Jake: A thousand million, which is a thousand thousand, which is a thousand dollars, which is how much four chicken nuggets cost.

Amir: Got it. (Amir attempts to throw a chicken nugget into his mouth but misses)

Jake: Where did you get that?
(Amir making a weird face while Jake talks) Security came to escort you out; you got down on your hands and knees and begged Karen for just one of her cock futures, you said: I'm sure my dad would be disappointed to see me grovelling, but the look in his eyes when I show him I'm the certified owned of a cock future, would surely erase 28 years of disapproval.

Amir: I'm a coward and a fool! .. I feel like the word staunch was co opted by the right, I mean like you can be a staunch Republican, but you can't be a staunch Democrat? like who made those rules — (Jake interrupts)

Jake: You can be a staunch Democrat — (Amir interrupts jake)

Amir: I don't interrupt you, ok, I don't interrupt your stand ups so don't interrupt mine, sorry but..

Jake: You do interrupt me a lot, not necessarily during my stand up — (Amir interrupts)

Amir: Name one time I interrupted you.

Jake: You're interrupting me right now —

Amir: Name one time!

Jake: It's happening right now — (*Amir interrupting: I defy YOU *), this is interruption!

Amir: I feel like we don't need money if everyone just decided to use..(Jake interrupts)

Jake: I know, Chucky Cheese tokens instead of money, right, you said that maybe too much during the meeting.

Amir: [Tickles Jake] Are you ticklish?

Jake: Yes, I'm very ticklish but your hands are so cold, and wet and clammy that I'm just grossed out..
You then pissed yourself, and you were dragged out of the meeting a second time, while you were screaming The audacity of NOPE, which sounds like some weird tea party slogan.

Amir: I'm a member.

Jake: [Amir tries tickling jake again] Yeah, like that feels like I'm being poked with cold crab claws.

Amir: [Holding up a 100$ bill and trying to burn it with a lighter while Jake tries to stop him] Alright come on, just let go man.

Jake: You did not learn your lesson yet. That'll be 300$ on the day!
Ok, then so even though the debt ceiling was raised, our credit rating dropped so the stocks tanked.

Amir: Yeah, that's why I keep my money in a freaking box, man.

Jake: That's not smart.

Amir: Yeah, well didn't you lose money this year?

Jake: Yes.

Amir: .. and in 2008?

Jake: Right i did but...

Amir: Well my box didn't depreciate in value, ok, I actually made more money investing in Nothing [laughs].

Jake: Fine, where's your box?

Amir: Here's a quiz.. I lost it.

Jake: So then from inside the meeting we heard you threaten to make your face red until you passed out, which I guess you did, because then nobody heard from you for 30 minutes.

Amir: Yeah, which felt like like a second on my end.

Jake: Right, because you had stopped breathing.

Amir: For like a second on my end.

Jake: Yes, on your end, but like for 30 minutes in real life.

[Amir tries to flick his fingers]

Jake: Booyakasha?

Amir: Borat, yeah. Ok, so how do you know so much?

Jake: Newspapers, alright, it's not hard to stay informed; you read an hour a day, New York Times, Wall Street Journal..

Amir: How do you actually know so much?

Jake: Daily show..(Amir: got it) I watch the Colbert Report.

Amir: Yeah.. Comedy shows.

The End

Video Link

INTRO:

AMIR: Hey you're watching J-A-K---

JAKE: Say it!

AMIR: --Say it, I know, I'm going to.



[Jake and Amir are sitting on a couch, talking to the camera.]

JAKE: Hey guys, cool news. Me and Amir came out with a thirty-minute special, which you can watch now on CollegeHumor or Facebook for only three bucks, or you can buy the DVD today, by going to CollegeHumor.com/JakeAndAmirFired.

AMIR: That's right, and all proceeds.. go to me! (laughs)

JAKE: That's not true.

AMIR: (to Jake) What- you promised!

JAKE: When?!

AMIR: I'm- Not yet, but I was gonna make ya! (tickles Jake)

JAKE: (pushing Amir away) Heyheyhey, don't touch me. (to the cameraman) Cut. (to Amir) Don't touch me, right?



JAKE: (to the cameraman) Hey, Jon, can I see your frame? (he looks at the presumably turned-around viewscreen.) [Can] You punch in, just a little bit? (The camera zooms in slightly.) Perfect, thank you.

AMIR: So it wasn't perfect.

JAKE: It wasn't; he adjusted it; and now it is.

AMIR: AKA, he's bad at his job!

JAKE: He's good at his job. Please just relax.

AMIR: I will relax, but.. somebody's getting spanked!



JAKE: (to the camera) Most of all, we're excited for you guys, our fans, to see it. We really think you're gonna love it.

AMIR: Yeah, and yet every single one of you hates it. How do you think that makes us feel?--

JAKE: (to Amir) Why are you saying people hate it?

AMIR: Cuz,- I'm insecure.

JAKE: Right, I know.

AMIR: Hhhh. So you just agree with me, right? Is that what everybody's saying behind my back, that I'm insecure?



AMIR: (to the cameraman) Hey boy, what's your social security number, huh? Because I wanna know why you can't get the frame right!

JAKE: (to Amir) Don't call him boy, alright? Let's just get started.

AMIR: I wanna get started, but I wanna know why homeboy over here can't do his job!

JAKE: He is doing his job! You're not doing your job!

AMIR: No, my job is to bring the ruckus.

JAKE: No, your job is to promote the special.

AMIR: No, your job is to promote the special, ok; my job is to bring the ruckus!

JAKE: Stop saying ruckus--

AMIR: Ruckus, yeah.



AMIR: (to the cameraman) Boy? Last four digits of your soc' (pronounced sOHsh), right now; I'm gonna st- I'm gonna jack your I.D.!



JAKE: (to the camera) It was a real group effort, and we're really proud of everybody that helped make it happen.

AMIR: (sarcastically, with air quotes) Yeah, group effort. (laughs)

JAKE: ...It was.

AMIR: (sarcastically) Yeah, ok--



AMIR: (to the cameraman) Hey boy? Can you zoom in on this? (holds up a middle finger) Or zoom in on this, huh! (lifting his pelvis up off the couch and holding his extended middle finger up next to it) You're holding up the process!

JAKE: (to Amir) YOU are holding up the process.--

AMIR: (to Jake, in a whiny voice) He held it up first, he didn't say jack! Now I'm bringing the ruckus, and it's a big deal!



JAKE: (to the camera) So, download or-- Download- ths- ah, sorry.

AMIR: (to Jake) EEgh! (buzzer sound) Time's up, Jon Bon Joovi, ok! Why don't you let a real pro handle it?

JAKE: Fine.

AMIR: (to the camera) So download thz-- Aerrh, So download th-- blalbl-Ah-blalblalblablah--



AMIR: GET the VDD t-eblalblalbla-- Get the VDDdiday, eheh sorry, from the top?



AMIR: GET the VDD zalblalblalbla. I keep on saying deblalblalblalblalblalbblal--



AMIR: (bouncing) GET the DVD-- elblalblalblalbla. Get the VDD d-blalblalblalblalblallea I keep on saying eblalblalblalblalbLEAh.



AMIR: So get the VDD-- blalblalblalbl. (mocking himself speaking too quickly, to Jake) Get the VDdllelblebl. Get the Vedleblebl. No, three, two, one:--



AMIR: So GET the VDd-edledlahh. Sorry. GET the DVD-- Gah! GET the VDD d- nonono, getthevdidididi (laughing) I'm like eahlealhl, mouth's talking a mile a minute, ok (grabs Jake's arm and shushes him) SHH! SHH! Three, two--

JAKE (as Amir is talking): Chill out, you have to chill out, you haey gon (mumbles) --you're losing your shit!



AMIR: So get the VDDdiday, aelahdi, GET the DVDdiday, (laughing) EhuelahalDIDEDEDEDH, I'm like ewlelelblelelelblAHAh,- three, two, one:--



AMIR: So GET the VDDdiday, aelelblehl sorry, Get the DVD d- It sounds like a DIDIDIDIDIDDE, it's like a DIDIDIDID, Sorry,- three, two,--



AMIR: DIDIDIDIDIDEL--



AMIR: So GET the VDDdiday, saelhedlidledla, GET the DVDtiday, kizitidididid-it sounds like a machine gun-diDIdididididay. (grabbing Jake's arm) Sorry, three, two, one:--



AMIR: --Tideh--

JAKE: Relax, take a breath, no rush, you're fine; don't work yourself up. (gestures towards the camera).

AMIR: (much more calmly and slowly) Get the VDD t- WOW.

JAKE: Wow--



AMIR: GET the DVDdiday! (to Jake) kidizayAh, I dunno, it's- just doesn't sound right--

JAKE: (getting frustrated) You slow it down!--

AMIR: --Sound! Yeah I know, but I'm trying to--

JAKE: Get the DVD today!

AMIR: --thay. GidiDVDdiday. It sounds like a (mimes shooting a machine gun) GIDIDIDIDAY! Let me say it the way I wanna say it. (to the camera) Get the VDD- WOW. Three, two, one: Get the VDD-- (looks as though he's going to slam his hand down on the couch in frustration)



JAKE: We're ne--

AMIR: Ki- ThreeTwoOne, (puts his hand on Jake's arm) Get the VDD t- sorry. ThreeTwoOne--

JAKE: We'll d- use the play-- Don't touch me, I'm really s--



AMIR: Still not a mess-up, keep rolling--

JAKE: It is a mess-up!



AMIR: (to Jake) I'm only messing up to make you feel not as bad. (to the cameraman) Ok can I have the script, please, boy?

JAKE: You know, I only messed up once, so I don't feel very bad.--

AMIR: Yeah well I feel pretty bad! (to the cameraman) Boy (snaps), script, please!

CAMERAMAN: There's no real script.

AMIR: (to Jake) Hhh, there's no real s- okay, (to the cameraman) Failure! You're a failured.

END.



(FIRED AD)

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and—

Amir: Hey why don't you say my name?!

Jake: You interrupted me!

Amir: Whatever.



Amir: Q, R, S... T, U, V...

Jake: Think about it...

Amir: No! Uh, yeah, I have to think about it.

Jake: No thinking about it?

Amir: I have to think about it, yeah but I—one second. T, U, V...

Jake: You stumped?

Amir: No! I'm not stumped, I'm just figuring it out.

Jake: You know, even if you get it I'm not gonna be impressed because you started at Q.

Amir: Yesterday I ended at R; R, Q—

Jake: Back to work, okay?

Amir: Woah, just got my cousin Leron's ezine.

Jake: Did you hear me when I said go back to work?

Amir: Yeah it's an online newsletter.

Jake: I didn't ask what it was.

Amir: It's sort of like about disrupting the status quo, sorta keeping the government on its toes and stuff like that.

Jake: Fine. What's it called?

Amir: Oo, now you care, huh?

Jake: Forget it. Forget I asked—

Amir: It's called Poodle Tartar, okay, because he's rawdogging the non-readers.

Jake: Bad. Bad title. So stupid.

Amir: He only writes it on weekends that he doesn't have to spend with his children.

Jake: Oh my god, I hate that he has children.

Amir: Only 9, okay. But they're mostly grown up now. Actually, seven of them are the same age.

Jake: How ol—what?!

Amir: Huh?

Jake: He ha—that's septuplets!

Amir: Seven different moms, ya idiot! They choreographed it.

Jake: That seems less likely.

Amir: You'd be surprised.

Jake: I am surprised.

Amir: This one's pretty messed up actually, it's about 300 pages of bomb schematics and pictures of Leron taking a dump on public libraries, which he swears to God is not illegal. And then
there's, like, a personal treatise devoted to how tipping isn't technically mandatory.

Jake: That's true.

Amir: What?

Jake: Tipping's not mandatory. You don't have to do it. But, a lot of waiters and service persons rely on the income

Amir: Holy guack, I'm never tipping again. What about gifts?

Jake: What about gifts?

Amir: Gifts! Yeah! You know, for birthdays, weddings, funerals, of that nature.

Jake: Don't bring a gift to a funeral.

Amir: Something small, something nice.

Jake: No! Right, buddy? Come on. Have you been to a funeral?

Amir: Yeah, I've been to hundreds.

Jake: Look. Just try to unlearn whatever you just read about in Leron's ezine.

Amir: [On the phone] Mickey my friend! How are you? Long time caller, first time not-giving-a-shitter. You know how last week I crashed your daughter's onesie? Yeah, her one year old
birthday party at the kiddie gym. Showed up drunk as a kite and promised her the best gift money couldn't buy? Well guess what, Mickey? That ship has docked. Go outside Mickey and try to pretend it's not Thanksgiving, because your eyes are about to feast on the sickest jungle gym you've ever seen. This one's so big it's a goddamn rainforest gym! Splinter-free and polished since '93 in Holished.

Jake: Stupid rhyme.

Amir: [On the phone] You opening the door Mickey? Yeah, check it out Mickey. You're looking at nothing, Mickey. Cause you know what, Mickey? Gifts ain't legal, Mickey!

Jake: Yes they are.

Amir: [On the phone] The only thing I have to get you, Mickey, is a visit from my friend Jonathan Squat AKA jack shit. Yeah, you lied to me Mickey, you pressured me with fake social norms
Mickey, and for that I urge you to attend your local chocolate factory and go fudge yourself! [Hangs up] Unh!
Jake: God that was impressive.

Amir: Thank you.

Jake: Do you plan that out? Like the, Go outside and pretend it's not Thanksgiving, feast your eyes on this, you plan that out?

Amir: Yeah. Yeah yeah, it's all scripted.

[Amir displays the script to Jake]

Jake: Wow. Learn the alphabet.



Original Location

Episode Link

Gratuity is gratuitous.

Intro

Jake: Thanks for watching Jake and Amir!

Amir: Thanks for what?

Jake: Watching.

Amir: Yeeaahh.

Script

Jake: Flew a kite this weekend.

Amir: One second.

Jake: Soo sick.

Amir (On the phone now): Hello Village Realty! Yes, I am calling about your two-bedroom triplex on East 8th and 1st. She is a beaut. That's right, hot to trot and newsflash: I'm not! Heh. But the asking price is quite nice, 8k a month plus utilities.

Jake: Wow, expensive apartment.

Amir: Let me make you an offer you CAN refuse. Heh. I'm writing it down on a slip of paper and let me just know if this offends you.

(Amir holds up the piece of paper to the phone)

Jake: Hey that's not gonna work. It just won't work.

Amir: Okay I will take your silence to mean that you've accepted my counter of eleven dollars a month plus carte blanche access to your business center, that means you can't kick me out after midnight!

Jake: Business center?

Amir: Hello? Hello? Mm. Locked down another apartment dude.

Jake: I don't think you did.

Amir: Moving is tough though, my current place is kind of a dump.

Jake: Where is it?

Amir: It's the dump.

Jake: Oh, god that's sad.

Amir (Now on the phone again): Hello! Yes, Village Realty. Long time listener, second time caller: and I'm baller! Heh. Oscar the Grouch here speaking and I can say that 'cause I live in a fucking trash can.

Jake: You know what, I'm on the site right now, you can't afford any of these apartments.

Amir: I'm looking at one listing which is particularly cherry. Though on the contrary, it might be an apple, because it is that of my eye!

Jake: Bad.

Amir: I'm speaking of course of your seven bedroom quadplex overlooking Central Park West, asking price 38.9 million dollars, so let me do you one worse. Five dollars a month plus carte blanche access to your business center.

Jake: Drop the business center.

Amir: Yes, that is a very lowball offer, but if I'm doing my math correctly-

Jake: I guarantee you, you're not.

Amir: You are still netting a cool 1.9 million dollars in commission. Which may not seem like a lot to you but I live in a god damn trash heap so try not to rub it in my face. I already do that enough as is.

Jake: Hang up.

Amir (Speaking to Jake): Good call, power move. (Speaking to the phone) I'm going to hang up on you right now and you better call me back with a three letter answer: Nah.

Jake: Why do you live in a trash heap?

Amir: My last landlord was a coward and a thief. AKA: Me. That's right, you're looking at a modern day robin hood, I steal from the bitch and give to the whore.

Jake: I have no idea what you're saying. Ever.

Amir: Neither do I. Alls I know is that I can't afford first and last month, or any of the ones in between. Uh oh, I am blowing up.

Jake: Great.

Amir: Yellow is the color of my energy, hello?

Jake: Old song.

Amir (Speaking to Jake): They have a studio in Hell's Kitchen for nine seventy five a month.

Jake: Take it.

Amir (On the phone.): Go fuck yourself. I'LL TAKE IT. Hello? They hung up. They hung up on me.

Jake: Yeah but they hung up when you said go fuck yourself to them. Don't you have anybody that you can live with?

Amir: Oh, good call. (Dialing phone) Hey wanna do mimosas after work?

Jake: No, I don't. Hey, no don't do that. Don't shoehorn that in then act like I said yes.

Amir: We're on. Mickey my friend!

Jake: Jesus Christ.

Amir: I have a proposition for you Mickey. Yes, how would you like a new roommate my friend. That's right. That's right I am quiet, I am clean, and just between you and me, I bake a mean frittata.

Jake: Why do you want to keep that a secret just between you two?

Amir: How does 4,900 dollars a month sound Mickey? That's right, that's first, last, and security Mickey. We can finally start that organic garden Mickey. That's right, just me you and some fresh basil, just the way we always wanted Mickey. Alright excellent Mickey, that sounds great. That sounds great Mickey, come outside. Come outside and help me carry in this boxspring Mickey it looks heavier than it is Mickey. Are you outside, are you coming outside Mickey?

Jake: Why do you say his name this much?

Amir: You know why I'm not there Mickey? Because I'm not coming. I'm not gonna be your roommate Mickey. I live in a god damn trash heap and your rent was too damn high. Your mom's bringing us iced tea in mason jars? Well that doesn't sound like my dream! That doesn't sound like my idea of a good time Mickey. Hold on, I'm getting another call.

Jake: Make your phone calls in the conference room from now on.

Amir: Oscar the Grouch speaking. That's fine! That's fine I will vacate your trash heap at ten P.M. because you know why? I'll be looking down at that trash heap from Central Park fricken west for five dollars a month in a fricken business center!

INTRO

EMILY: You're watching a really hot Jack and Amos.

JAKE: Jake and Amir.

MURPH: It was perfect!



[Jake, Murph, Emily and Neko sit around a small table. Murph spins the empty wine bottle, and it points to Emily.]

MURPH: Call me Sonny Bono-- not because I died in a horrific ski accident-- but because... [singing] I got you, babe!

JAKE: Wow. ...Mean joke.

[Murph and Emily make out for a very long time. Emily stares at Jake the whole time. So does Murph. Jake looks freaked out.]

EMILY: Mmmm, mmmm-- oh, that was a good one. Add it to our kiss Twitter, babe.

MURPH: Yeah! Hashtag open mouth, hashtag amazing, hashtag she was lookin' at Jake the whole time...

EMILY: My turn!

[Emily grabs the bottle, forcefully turns it toward Jake, and pokes him with it.]

JAKE: ...I'm down for a peck, but, uh... only if it's cool with Neko!

[Jake and Emily lean over the table toward each other. Emily grabs Jake's face and holds him there as she makes out with him.]

EMILY: [muffled by Jake's face] God, that feels right...

[Murph stares at them. Eventually Jake breaks free.]

JAKE: Get off me, you wench! Neko, you just witnessed an assault.

MURPH: It's your turn, Jake. Spin the bottle.

JAKE: I'm a hundred percent down to not play--

MURPH: Spin the bottle, Jake.

[Jake spins. It stops, pointing at Murph.]

JAKE: Weak. ...Okay. That's um... That's a re-spin, right, Neko? That's a re-spin.

[Jake goes to spin again, but Murph stops him.]

MURPH: I don't like it any more than you do, Jake, but we need to kiss passionately.

JAKE: ...Why?

MURPH: [whispering] Because those are the rules. And they were pretty convenient when you were tonguing my soulmate, AKA my future wife!

[Murph holds up his hand out of Emily's view again, showing Jake the ring.]

JAKE: [whispering] Dude, take that off. Take it off.

MURPH: Kiss me, Jake.

JAKE: Fine. One, two, three.

[Jake and Murph lean in and quickly kiss each other.]

JAKE: There, dude. Are you satisfie--

[Murph grabs Jake by the head and pulls him in again, trying to french-kiss him.]

JAKE: Oh! Neko... Neko, help me!

MURPH: I'm frenching you 'cuz you frenched her!

JAKE: Stop it, dude! Make him stop it... What're you--

MURPH: Do you want it to stop?

JAKE: Dude, I want everything to stop!

[Jake pulls away.]

JAKE: What the fuck was that?

[Murph just shakes his head.]

JAKE: Outside. On the balcony, right now.

[Jake leaves.]

MURPH: Babe, I'm gonna go talk to Jake on the balcony.

EMILY: Okay.

MURPH: Bye.

[Murph kisses Emily, then leaves. Amir returns with dessert.]

AMIR: Ladies and gentlemen, dessert is served! Lemon sorbet with a chocolate mousse.

EMILY: Cold food hurts Neko's teeth.

AMIR: Of fucking course.

[Jake and Murph talk on the balcony.]

JAKE: Look, man, Emily is not the right girl. Alright? I don't know if Emily is into me, or if she's just... generally insane, but... I-- I just-- I just-- I don't think you can propose to her. Okay?

MURPH: ...Yeah, man.

JAKE: [calming down] I-- I mean, this night has been... insane!

MURPH: It's-- It's been crazy...

JAKE: Right?

MURPH: It's nuts.

JAKE: I think we're gonna be better friends for it, though. I really do.

[Jake and Murph shake. Suddenly, Murph slips his arm under Jake's center of gravity, hoists him up onto his shoulders, and moves toward the edge of the balcony.]

JAKE: Whoa, dude! No!



To Be Continued...

[Intro]

Jake: Hey! Happy new year! You're watching Jake and Amir.

Amir: 2011 y'all!

Jake: No.

[intro]

[Jake and Amir sitting at their desks, Amir starts to dose off]

Jake: Hey can you not fall asleep right now? We need to talk about that disgusting habit that you've picked up.

Amir: It's called butt chugging, and last time I checked, it wasn't disgusting.

Jake: Really? Have you checked recently? Because according to the news story that I saw, it involves sticking a funnel inside your asshole, and ingesting alcohol through your colon.

Amir [unfolding a scroll]: Top ten wines to butt chug!

Jake [interrupting]: Where do you go scroll shopping? Did you raid an ancient pirate ship or something?

Amir: By Amir [long bleep is heard and Amir's mouth is censored] Blumenfeld.

Jake: How about you never say that again in the office.

Amir [reading off the scroll]: Number ten! I'll say it again. If the taste is heinous, shove it up your anus! you'll get drunk better, faster, stronger.

Jake: That is what you did last night at my new year's party, but do you think you were drunker better than anybody? because I think you should up blackout drunk at seven P.M., in half a tuxedo, just the top half, you were naked waist down. You had a glass champagne flute stuck inside your butt, and you were dancing around singing "happy new queer".

Amir: Number nine, that's wine and dine! A Chardonnay and a fish fillet, blend it up, dinner and a drink, now that won't stink.

Jake: You're talking about shoving blended fish inside your butt, then yeah I bet it does.

Amir: To each, her own.

Number eight, it must be fate. A Zinfandel for this infidel make me think, don't ask, do tell. I stick a funnel in my butt.

Jake: We all know what you do, ok? You ruined New Year's. When everybody was counting down you bent over and farted Vodka onto the TV.

Amir: I'm the life and death, of every party.

Jake: Yeah you definitely killed the mood when you slipped and fell and shattered that glass Champagne flute inside your body. We took you to the hospital but the doctor refused to operate on you. He said, in the long run it might be better if you just die.

Amir: Number seven, is Levant. That's right, I soak a full body bread in a Jewish rye bread, and this ass, gets fed. Aka, you freeze the loaf and chisel off little suppositories that you stick inside your ass all night like little Tic-Tacs.

Jake: Is that what you do with Tic-Tacs?

Amir: Yeah!

Jake: Why?

Amir: Number six, it's for dicks! Take a Capri-Sun straw and stick it in your urethra. With a reverse piss, you can't miss.

Jake: So you graduated to dick chugging?

Amir: With honors, sir.

Amir: Number five, P. nomwar? More like p. yes. - Lar.

Jake: Woah.

Amir: Woah

Jake: Bad.

Amir [disappointed]: Oh.

Jake: Terrible rhyme.

Amir: No?

Jake: How did that make your final draft?

Amir: It didn't.

Jake: This isn't a final? Why are you reading it in front of me?

Amir: Number four. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, sore. Ow, if your anus ain't bruised all night, then you ain't funnelin' right.

Jake: Is there a right way to funnel? If there is, I bet you don't know it. 'Cause why else do you have those shards of glass inside your anal cavity right now?

Amir: Number three, you and me. Sippin' on some English tea.

Jake: So not butt chugging.

Amir: Oh, no, no, no. We're sipping it through our assholes.

Jake: Definitely not doing that with you.

Amir: Number two, how about some Yoo-hoo where you poo-poo. That's right, it's already wet and brown downtown, mamma mia, that's some diarrhea!

Jake: I think what I'm gonna do is e-mail Paul...

Amir: No.

Jake: ...and ugh, see if I have the permission to send you home, or if he will. Um, you need to not be here today.

Amir: How is that your call to make?

Jake: I'm gonna tell him the circumstances and see if I can send you home.

Amir: That's so illogical to me.

Jake: Really?

Amir: Yeah.

Jake: That's illogical? 'Cause I think getting your anus wounds untreated, leaving the hospital saying: "Fuck this quack, you're a hack", I think that's illogical.

Amir: Not fair.

Jake: That's not fair? What you're doing to your body isn't fair.

Amir: I'm almost done with the list.

Jake: Three of your top ten haven't even been alcohol. One of them involved shoving a straw inside your dick. I mean that's self-mutilation bud, and I think all of them will kill you.

Amir: Number one, have some fun in the sun hun. Bring your ass to the beach, and flop it down like a leech. Put your knees by your ears, but don't feed your butt beers. Not Vodka nor Gin, no those can't go in. Spread your butt cheeks wide, stick that funnel inside, now wait for the tide you're going for a ride. You're a full grown guy, with a tight brown eye, so make sure your lips are sealed, and your rectum is peeled. Which alcohol is best, for your asshole that stretch? Not red nor white, nor Captain Morgan's Delight, no. What will save the day? Oh you don't say? it's: drum roll please.

Jake: No.

Amir: A simple Rose.

[Jake start clapping slowly]

Amir: Thank you.

Jake: I don't mean it. Are you done with the list?

Amir: Not 'till I celebrate, [takes out a glass of blended fish and alcohol, and a funnel], with a number nine.

Jake: Please not now, not here at the office.

[Amir starts pouring the drink into the funnel, and looks in pain].

Jake: Oh no! Ah!

Amir [in pain]: Ah! It's in me.

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir, and if you think this is funny, [chuckles] keep watchin'!
JAKE: Oh my-- you suck.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir enters and sits down.]
AMIR: You're driving down the road; make sure to pay... the scroll!
[Amir unrolls a very thin, fragile-looking scroll. Jake doesn't react.]
AMIR: I got the cure for the common scroll!
[Jake still doesn't react.]
AMIR: Stop being such an ass-scroll.
JAKE: You know, I'm trying this new thing... where I ignore you, to see if that makes you--
AMIR: [reading from the scroll] "Top ten ways to celebrate this country's birthday, AKA: the Fourth of Julay!"
JAKE: Can you please not read to me from that flimsy, shitty little scroll?
AMIR: "Number ten:" [Jake shakes his head] "sit in a den! With the lights real dim by the couch that you're lying, nobody can tell that your eyes have been crying."
JAKE: What are you talking about? Are you sad?
AMIR: I'm not sad! I'm devastated! "Number nine: laying supine! You're flat on the floor, calling your mother a whore through a more-than-locked door! Tears pour down my cheek because news flash: I'm weak!"
[In the background, Paul can be heard yelling at somebody. Jake and Amir look around]
PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Leave this office!
OTHER PERSON: Okay, okay--
[Jake turns his attention back to Amir.]
JAKE: Are you okay?
AMIR: I'm more than okay! I'm devastated! "Number eight: the food's been great! I don't mean to get rambly, but why don't you just have a barbecue with your fambly?"
JAKE: Fine. You know what? That one's nice. Stop reading the list. I responded to one; I'll follow it--
AMIR: "Number seven: whoa, have a nice time in Heaven! You thought that burger was bison? Nah. That burger was ricin! With a patty this thick, it can sedate a family of sick! And mamma mia, I've dumped a bottle of Visine in the sangria! Clear eyes, full farts? Can't booze!"
JAKE: You absolute monster, you're talking about poisoning your family.
AMIR: "Number six: I can fix this. '911? My dad's real sick! He's OD'd on Visine; it's the worst case that I've seen! Ohhh! You'll send an ambulance? That's perfect! Oh, what's my address? Sorry, motherfucker, you'll have to guess! Yeah!'"
JAKE: You depraved lunatic! Okay, you're talking about calling an ambulance in front of your dying family, and then not giving the EMT team the directions to your house? You'll-- you'll go to jail for that! I think you'd go to jail for even writing that!
AMIR: Oh no! Jail! Well, I have a plan that won't fail. "Number five: 'Keep me alive! I don't want your death penalty, Your Honor! It was a simple mistake! Does your yard need to be raked?'"
JAKE: Great, so your "plan that won't fail" is to publicly bribe a judge, [Amir grins smugly as Jake speaks] in a court of law, with a task that could easily do himself?
AMIR: "Number four: 'This yard work's a bore! I don't wanna do this chore!'"
JAKE: So in some miraculous turn of events, [Amir mock-cries by blinking and quivering his lip] the judge actually accepts your bribe in this fantasy world, and the way you repay fate for giving you this awesome favor [Amir grins and nods] is by being too lazy to rake a yard?
AMIR: "Number three:"
JAKE: Holy shit...
AMIR: "...fireworks for me! Head down to the local docks and watch the red, white, and blue o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! Our ancestors fought, bled, and even died for this country, and the least we can do is take a moment to celebrate their effort, to cherish what we have. Even if life isn't perfect-- you know, 'cause let's face it, whose is?-- just sit down and reflect. You know, you can make anything you want for yourself, and that's what America is; that's what makes it the greatest country in the world!"
JAKE: Okay. ...Okay!
AMIR: "Number two: take a poo. Right down there on the docks that you've been reflecting on, too! George Washington, you dreamy, dreamy oaf. Now lay down, open your mouth, and swallow my steamy, steamy loaf."
JAKE: ...I think you need to die.
[Amir makes a confused face.]
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: ...Excuse me?
JAKE: It's been six years, and you're getting worse. Okay? I think the world would just be... an infinitely better place if you weren't in it.
AMIR: Okay, [chuckles feebly] uh, "number one--"
JAKE: No. You shouldn't be allowed to breathe.
[Amir sits in silence, obviously hurt. He smiles weakly at Jake.]
AMIR: [choking up] Please let me finish.
JAKE: Please finish your life.
AMIR: You're upsetting me, dude--
JAKE: Be dead!
AMIR: [choking up] Uhhh, whoa-- [sobs, grabs his chest] --something's happening. I can't even-- I don't even know if I can finish the list at this point, because I am [sobs] short of breath or something! [sobbing, stammering] What d-- what d-- what d-- what did you do with this-- you put some weird, like, hex on me or something--
JAKE: No, you're just crying.
AMIR: [still crying] No, I'm more than crying! I'm like-- [sobbing to the point of hyperventilation] I don't know! It's indescribable, I'm like... [breaks down]
JAKE: Okay, well then you're sobbing.
AMIR: [still crying] No, n-- what is that? What is sobbing? I'm like-- [sobs] --scared-- [sobs] --and-- [breaks down again]
JAKE: Okay, why don't you just go home, okay?
AMIR: [still crying] I can't go home; I think-- I think I'll die in the subway, I'm like-- [sobbing uncontrollably] ...what did you do to me? You witch doctor!
JAKE: Just because I made you cry, you think I cast a spell on you?
AMIR: [still crying] Yeah! That's exactly what it is! You demon! You sorcerer! What is this black magic--
JAKE: Okay, I was kidding, alright?
[Amir immediately stops.]
AMIR: Oh... thank gosh.
JAKE: Holy shit.
AMIR: That was...
[Amir, shaken and seemingly lost for words, can't finish the sentence. Eventually he picks the scroll back up and resumes as if nothing had happened.]
AMIR: "--have fun in the sun..."
JAKE: Jesus.
END

INTRO
AMIR: Hey, welcome to Jake and Amir, and if you think this is funny, [chuckles] keep watchin'!
JAKE: Oh my-- you suck.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir enters and sits down.]
AMIR: You're driving down the road; make sure to pay... the scroll!
[Amir unrolls a very thin, fragile-looking scroll. Jake doesn't react.]
AMIR: I got the cure for the common scroll!
[Jake still doesn't react.]
AMIR: Stop being such an ass-scroll.
JAKE: You know, I'm trying this new thing... where I ignore you, to see if that makes you--
AMIR: [reading from the scroll] "Top ten ways to celebrate this country's birthday, AKA: the Fourth of Julay!"
JAKE: Can you please not read to me from that flimsy, shitty little scroll?
AMIR: "Number ten:" [Jake shakes his head] "sit in a den! With the lights real dim by the couch that you're lying, nobody can tell that your eyes have been crying."
JAKE: What are you talking about? Are you sad?
AMIR: I'm not sad! I'm devastated! "Number nine: laying supine! You're flat on the floor, calling your mother a whore through a more-than-locked door! Tears pour down my cheek because news flash: I'm weak!"
[In the background, Paul can be heard yelling at Will (see Jake and Amir: Password)[1] . Amir looks up from his scroll, and he and Jake look around for the source of the commotion.]
PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Leave this office!
WILL: I can't! I can't, I can't!
[Jake turns his attention back to Amir.]
JAKE: Are you okay?
AMIR: I'm more than okay! I'm devastated! "Number eight: the food's been great! I don't mean to get rambly, but why don't you just have a barbecue with your fambly?"
JAKE: Fine. You know what? That one's nice. Stop reading the list. I responded to one; I'll follow it--
AMIR: "Number seven: whoa, have a nice time in Heaven! You thought that burger was bison? Nah. That burger was ricin! With a patty this thick, it can sedate a family of sick! And mamma mia, I've dumped a bottle of Visine in the sangria! Clear eyes, full farts? Can't booze!"
JAKE: You absolute monster, you're talking about poisoning your family.
AMIR: "Number six: I can fix this. '911? My dad's real sick! He's OD'd on Visine; it's the worst case that I've seen! Ohhh! You'll send an ambulance? That's perfect! Oh, what's my address? Sorry, motherfucker, you'll have to guess! Yeah!'"
JAKE: You depraved lunatic! Okay, you're talking about calling an ambulance in front of your dying family, and then not giving the EMT team the directions to your house? You'll-- you'll go to jail for that! I think you'd go to jail for even writing that!
AMIR: Oh no! Jail! Well, I have a plan that won't fail. "Number five: 'Keep me alive! I don't want your death penalty, Your Honor! It was a simple mistake! Does your yard need to be raked?'"
JAKE: Great, so your "plan that won't fail" is to publicly bribe a judge, [Amir grins smugly as Jake speaks] in a court of law, with a task that could easily do himself?
AMIR: "Number four: 'This yard work's a bore! I don't wanna do this chore!'"
JAKE: So in some miraculous turn of events, [Amir mock-cries by blinking and quivering his lip] the judge actually accepts your bribe in this fantasy world, and the way you repay fate for giving you this awesome favor [Amir grins and nods] is by being too lazy to rake a yard?
AMIR: "Number three:"
JAKE: Holy shit...
AMIR: "...fireworks for me! Head down to the local docks and watch the red, white, and blue o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! Our ancestors fought, bled, and even died for this country, and the least we can do is take a moment to celebrate their effort, to cherish what we have. Even if life isn't perfect-- you know, 'cause let's face it, whose is?-- just sit down and reflect. You know, you can make anything you want for yourself, and that's what America is; that's what makes it the greatest country in the world!"
JAKE: Okay. ...Okay!
AMIR: "Number two: take a poo. Right down there on the docks that you've been reflecting on, too! George Washington, you dreamy, dreamy oaf. Now lay down, open your mouth, and swallow my steamy, steamy loaf."
JAKE: ...I think you need to die.
[Amir makes a confused face.]
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: ...Excuse me?
JAKE: It's been six years, and you're getting worse. Okay? I think the world would just be... an infinitely better place if you weren't in it.
AMIR: Okay, [chuckles feebly] uh, "number one--"
JAKE: No. You shouldn't be allowed to breathe.
[Amir sits in silence, obviously hurt. He smiles weakly at Jake.]
AMIR: [choking up] Please let me finish.
JAKE: Please finish your life.
AMIR: You're upsetting me, dude--
JAKE: Be dead!
AMIR: [choking up] Uhhh, whoa-- [sobs, grabs his chest] --something's happening. I can't even-- I don't even know if I can finish the list at this point, because I am [sobs] short of breath or something! [sobbing, stammering] What d-- what d-- what d-- what did you do with this-- you put some weird, like, hex on me or something--
JAKE: No, you're just crying.
AMIR: [still crying] No, I'm more than crying! I'm like-- [sobbing to the point of hyperventilation] I don't know! It's indescribable, I'm like... [breaks down]
JAKE: Okay, well then you're sobbing.
AMIR: [still crying] No, n-- what is that? What is sobbing? I'm like-- [sobs] --scared-- [sobs] --and-- [breaks down again]
JAKE: Okay, why don't you just go home, okay?
AMIR: [still crying] I can't go home; I think-- I think I'll die in the subway, I'm like-- [sobbing uncontrollably] ...what did you do to me? You witch doctor!
JAKE: Just because I made you cry, you think I cast a spell on you?
AMIR: [still crying] Yeah! That's exactly what it is! You demon! You sorcerer! What is this black magic--
JAKE: Okay, I was kidding, alright?
[Amir immediately stops.]
AMIR: Oh... thank gosh.
JAKE: Holy shit.
AMIR: That was...
[Amir, shaken and seemingly lost for words, can't finish the sentence. Eventually he picks the scroll back up and resumes as if nothing had happened.]
AMIR: "--have fun in the sun..."
JAKE: Jesus.
END

INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: And?
JAKE: That's it.
AMIR: Wow, way to be ambitious!
[Jake and Amir are in a hotel room (see "Lights Out") watching TV.]
AMIR: Ha! This is fun. Just two best friends watching hotel television together. [chuckles] We both cherish this shit.
JAKE: Nope.
AMIR: Oh my God, congratulations! It took you thirty seconds for you to make me feel like garbage-trash today! That's a record!
JAKE: It was, like, three seconds.
AMIR: And the shit just keeps on... [points to his gums]
JAKE: "Gumming"?
AMIR: That's right! [flips the remote in the air] Diva! [smacks Jake with it]
JAKE: Ow.
AMIR: Hey, let's go swimming.
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Hot tub?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Come on! Traveling with you is such a bore. What do you do, just sit inside of your room and jerk off all day? [pauses, shrugs, then pulls out his iPhone and moves his hand toward his pants]
JAKE: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? [grabs the iPhone]
AMIR: So we can't even spank it?
AMIR: Can I hold the remote now?
JAKE: You can't hold the remote, because last time you did, you ate one of the batteries.
AMIR: Oh, here we go, it's story time! Hey children, gather 'round; it's time for Jake to tell us a tall tale! Please, Jake, remind me what happened next!
JAKE: You know what? I will remind you, because you were blackout drunk! You put a battery in your mouth, you washed it down with an entire bottle of vodka from the minibar, and then said, "I'll take that free ride to the ER now!"
[Amir flips the bird with both hands.]
AMIR: [on the phone] Hey, room service? Yes, can I get two cheeseburgers, one with fries, one with salad, and can you take that entire order and shove it up your butt? That's right: go fuck yourself! You've just been Punk'd by Ashton Coutchard! Ha, I wouldn't eat your pig slop if you forced me to butt-chug it!
JAKE: You know they can tell what room you're calling from, right?
AMIR: Oh, bullshit. They did say 228, but I guarantee that's a lucky guess. [on the phone] Yup. Jake Hurwitz speaking.
JAKE: You know, when the doctors X-rayed you, they found more than one battery. They found five or six AA's, a nine-volt, and an entire roll of copper wire.
AMIR: It's electric!
JAKE: That's the terrible joke you made on the operating table to deafening silence, as the nurses sawed into you.
AMIR: Boogie-woogie-woogie. [laughs]
JAKE: You should be dead.
AMIR: Enough! Absolutely no more!
AMIR: [flipping channels] Garbage, fake news, reality trash, propaganda, propaganda, the weather channel... Skinemax? [stops flipping and moves his hand to his pants again]
JAKE: No! [pulls Amir's hand away]
AMIR: You really are becoming a thorn in my side.
AMIR: [on the phone] Room service? Hi. Yup, room 228-- no no no no no, don't hang up, that was-- my boy got a hold of the phone earlier, and you know how kids can be. Anyway, we would actually like to order lunch this time. Do you guys have, like, a small seaweed salad? Maybe like a quinoa starter of sorts that you could just roll up into, like, a... like a torpedo and shove up your ass? Like, just shove it up your goddamn ass? [laughs] That's right! My name is Jacob Penn Cooper Valerie Blumenwitz and you were just the victim of a Jerky-Boys-style stunt, AKA a flash mob!
[Amir has his butt up in the air. He farts noisily.]
AMIR: Did you Instavideo that?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Ass!
AMIR: [on the phone] Hello, room service? No no no, I'm sorry, please, no no, don't hang up, don't hang up. That was my brother. He's going through these-- I actually am calling to apologize. He's going through this, like, pha-- it's not even worth getting into. We actually-- I know this is hard to believe, but we really do want some food. I feel like the boy who cried wolf, but if you can just find it in your heart to-- to believe me one last time, I really w-- I'll make it worth your while. I'll pay you 200 percent. [pause] Gosh, thank you-- thank you so much. I so-- I so, so much appreciate it. [Jake buries his face in a pillow] I don't have a menu on me, but if you have, like a-- any spaghetti dish, like a pasta, like a penne vodka, something tomato-and-cheesy, that you can shove up your ass! That you can shove up your goddamn ass! [laughs] Hello? Hel-- oh my God, you gotta be kidding me! That's like the third time they hung up on me!
[There's a loud knock.]
AMIR: Oh my God, dude, dude, dude, you gotta get that.
AMIR: [off screen, crying] Please, please, please! I'm so sorry for prank-calling the hotel! You really- I don't know what got over me, but you can't kick me out! You really cannot kick me out! I deserve to stay here! You don't understand, this is like a vacation for us; this is like a once-in-a-lifetime frickin' thing--
JAKE: Just apologize!
AMIR: [still crying] I'm not going to apologize; it was a joke!
AMIR: [still crying] Got 'em.
JAKE: "Got 'em"? Really?
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: You just cried in front of a hotel clerk for thirty minutes 'til he got bored and left.
AMIR: [on the phone, still crying] Hello, room service? Yeah, can I have, like, a soup, and can you shove it up your, your goddamn-- yeah, your goddamn ass. Thank you. [to Jake] They would. They said they were going to.
END

INTRO
AMIR: [singing] On the road again... just can't wait to get on--
JAKE: Alright, stop it-- You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow.
[The RV is parked at a gas station, and Jake is returning with a bag.]
[CAPTION: Somewhere in New Jersey...]
[Jake enters the RV. Amir is sitting inside with a big bottle of energy drink.]
JAKE: Hey.
AMIR: [in a weird voice] Oh hey there!
JAKE: [pulling a water bottle out of the bag] Got you water.
AMIR: [emptying a 5-hour Energy Shot into his bottle] Oh, no thanks. I think I'm good!
JAKE: That's, like, a pint of 5-hour Energy. I think you should hydrate.
AMIR: I butt-chugged a Dasani! At the Mason-Dixon line!
JAKE: We're in New Jersey.
AMIR: I'm sorry, if I had known you were gonna be a babysitter on this trip, I would have charged you $3.99 an hour and tried to kiss those milky white thighs on your way home!
JAKE: ...Did that happen to you?
AMIR: Unimportant. [holding up an atlas the wrong way, turned to a map of Australia] I've been doing some light map research...
JAKE: The map's upside-down and backwards.
AMIR: [flipping from Japan to the Middle East] Ever seen midnight in Marrakesh? The lights dance on the ocean, and reflect off the anus.
JAKE: We can't go to Morocco!
AMIR: Very well! [closes the atlas] We'll summer in CĂ´te d'Ivoire, aka the Ivory Coast! Golden sunlight! Silver moonlight! All of it weaving together in a glowing tapestry that tugs at the anus.
JAKE: Alright, just... chill. Stop saying "anus". Will you name cities in America?
AMIR: Spain!
JAKE: Not in America. Not a city.
AMIR: Maine!
JAKE: Closer. Still not a city.
AMIR: [screwing up his face] Anal!
JAKE: And you've lost it completely-- change your mouth!
AMIR: Why are you being such an ass-cracker, okay? The world is our oyster!
JAKE: Just-- name cities in between here and Los Angeles, okay? New Orleans. Austin. Vegas.
AMIR: Pass, pass, ass. Okay? You know, I'm just gonna go to sleep if you're gonna be such a queen roach about it!
JAKE: I get it. Okay? You're angry, [Amir makes an angry face] you're sad, [Amir makes a sad face] you're scared. [Amir makes a scared face] You don't want to move to Los Angeles-- [Amir waggles his finger as if to say "no"] alright, that's enough with the active listening. Alright? Just let me talk-- but, look, it's happening no matter what, so... all we can do is make the most out of the next week that we have with each other. So what do you say? You want to have a cool adventure, or what?
AMIR: I love you so much!
JAKE: Alright, awesome. [Jake bro-shakes with Amir. Amir doesn't let go of his hand.]
AMIR: And you? Do you love me, brother?
JAKE: I think you're pretty cool, and I'm down for this adventure!
AMIR: [laughs] And in terms of love, [bouncing back and forth] where did you land on that debate?
JAKE: I... appreciate your love. Let's hit the road, huh?
AMIR: [laughs] Let's hit it so hard that we love each other for it!
JAKE: You're really hurting my hand at this point.
AMIR: Hurt it so much that it's... lovely?
JAKE: [yanking his hand away] Alright. What would it mean, after all that, if I said I love you now?
AMIR: I love you too.
JAKE: That's... not--
AMIR: [singing] Your love is taking me higher! [takes a swig of energy drink]
JAKE: A pint of sugar is making you higher, okay? Will you just chill? That's, like, forty-five hours of energy.
AMIR: [offscreen] No! Sleep! 'Till!--
[A pan back reveals that Amir has immediately passed out, in his underwear somehow.]
JAKE: Jesus.
[CAPTION: To Be Continued...]
AMIR: [snoring, talking in his sleep] Oh, don't kiss my thighs!
END

INTRO

JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!

AMIR: "Top Five Reasons--"

JAKE: Don't have time for that.

AMIR: Okay.



[Jake and Amir are at their desks.]

AMIR: [gesturing at his computer, laughing uproariously] Yeah! Oh my God, I'm dying! ...Sharing that!

JAKE: You know, just--

AMIR: Sharing that!

JAKE: Can you stop taking the online personality quizzes?

AMIR: [suddenly furious] I got Helvetica! What font are you, you dingbat?

JAKE: Don't talk to me like that. Alright? You change moods so quickly, it's obviously a problem. Right? A version of psychosis, I think.

AMIR: [laughing again] Here! Here, I'm gonna post it to my news feed!

JAKE: Perfect example.

AMIR: That way, you can click on the link and take the quiz yourself!

JAKE: Alright, do me a favor: don't say "here". Don't say "here" like you're doing me a favor. You post literally all of them to your news feed.

AMIR: [making a goofy face] I can't help it if they're viral!

JAKE: Get a different face.

AMIR: ...Ouch.

JAKE: That's one thing you can help, by the way: if they're viral. You don't have to share them. [reading off his laptop] "I got Spiro Agnew! Which Vice President are you?"

AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!

JAKE: "I got the nine of spades! Which card are you?"

AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!

JAKE: "I got a matzoh ball! What ethnic food are you?"

AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!

JAKE: These are all so dumb; the last one's straight-up racist.

AMIR: Actually working on a quiz of my own at the moment, if you're down to give it a shot. [chuckles] Would love some feedback. "What bean are you?"

JAKE: ..."What bean are you?"

AMIR: Good question! ...Leema!

JAKE: I was repeating the title in disbelief-- it's "lima", by the way. You're mispronouncing the bean you think you are. What possible questions could even exist on that quiz?

AMIR: Question the first...

JAKE: Never mind. Forget I asked.

AMIR: "When you walk into a club, a techno, trip-hop, euro-synth style pub, are you A: Down to clown like a kidney bean, all high and mighty."

JAKE: Weird.

AMIR: "B: Black bean style, muy caliente from head to toe. You're sexy and I know it."

JAKE: Racist.

AMIR: "C: Chickpea, or D: Leema."

JAKE: "Lima"!

AMIR: Question the... [holds up two fingers, struggles to finish his sentence] ...two...

JAKE: Second! Oh, God, I'm sad for you.

AMIR: [wiggling his finger at Jake between the fingers of his other hand] "Which nineties fem teen trend would you most align yourself with, bean-wise?"

JAKE: You know, you haven't responded to a work email in a year. Do you mind if I bring that up?

AMIR: "A: Kidney bean slap bracelets."

JAKE: Yup, just found the date of the last email you sent. May 2013. About a memorial service for Kunal Shah, that programmer who died? You wrote, "LOL! Not going to this. Who wants to join me for all you can wings and beer at anywhere-but-there bar."

AMIR: "B: Black bean style locker photos of Jonathan Brandis."

[Jake puts on headphones.]

AMIR: [yelling to be heard] "C: Chickpea-Chee folders, or D: Jared Leto AKA Jordan Catalano AKA leema beans--" what song are you listening to that's more important than this quiz?

JAKE: [taking the headphones off] I'm on Spotify. I could listen to almost any song and they'd all be more important. Why take these moronic quizzes? Why broadcast the results?

AMIR: [yelling] It's gonna sound stupid, but they help me project a self-image I didn't even know that I had! ...In this increasingly anonymous world of modern technology, these "quizzes" give us the only thing that any of us truly wants, which is... an identity. [getting quieter] ...Regardless of how... sophomoric it sounds on the surface, I truly believe that the hardest thing for any one person to know is themselves.

JAKE: [quietly] ...Okay.

AMIR: Oh! [laughing again] I got "soft-serve"! "What kind of doo-doo are you? Shit-wise!"



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and I do declare!

JAKE: What?

AMIR: I don't know!



[Jake and Amir are working at their desks. Amir has fashioned a standing desk for himself by putting a small table on top of his regular desk. He also has a chocolate milkshake and a plate of nachos. He looks down at Jake.]

AMIR: [laughing awkwardly] Unhealthy... [pause] ...What?

JAKE: I didn't say anything. You said "unhealthy"--

AMIR: Unhealthy much!

JAKE: You said "unhealthy", then I didn't say anything. If you're trying to start a conversation--

AMIR: [yelling over Jake] Look at you--

JAKE: Why do you do that?

AMIR: [pointing at Jake for emphasis] Bad for your back, bad for your spine, bad for your life, bad for your attitude, bad--

JAKE: You're eating nachos!

[Amir eats another nacho.]

JAKE: You're eating nachos right now, and you're drinking a chocolate milkshake.

AMIR: [grabbing the milkshake] Yeah, that's 'cause I have a standing desk! Which means I can afford it... [goes to take a sip, then pauses] ...fuckwad! [takes a sip]

JAKE: You're a fuckwad. [Amir wiggles his eyebrows] You think standing at your desk burns-- what, that's like fifteen hundred calories! Alright? And-- ...also, you're sitting.

AMIR: [now sitting, bouncing up and down] Yeah, but on an exercise ball! Okay? AKA!

[Amir begins making rhythmic hand motions. Jake waits for a while for him to keep talking.]

AMIR: ...What?

JAKE: ...AKA what?

AMIR: What are you, waiting for me to talk? [laughs] Alright! Let's talk!

JAKE: Waiting for you to finish! AKA means "also known as".

AMIR: Okay, I didn't know that... wow!

JAKE: It's not just a pe-- it's not the end of the sentence!

AMIR: I didn't know that! I thought it was like a pu-- yeah, like a...

JAKE: A pun?

AMIR: It's a play on words!

JAKE: We don't have to talk! We don't have to talk at the office. That's not leading a healthy lifestyle. You can't afford to eat that food.

AMIR: My legs were tired, fatass! And by the way, this is healthy! Healthier than the standing desk, 'cause I can do crunches while I work! [closes his eyes and begins doing crunches badly]

JAKE: Your eyes are shut. So you're not doing anything while you work. You're just doing crunches, and... what terrible form! You're twirling your ass on top of the ball like you're wiping with it.

AMIR: Yeah, well they hurt my back pain!

JAKE: Redundant.

AMIR: Yeah! I have sciatica, motherfucker!

JAKE: I think sciatica is pain in your leg.

AMIR: Yes! Which is why I can't stand. So I sit, which hurts my back. That's why I got the desk! It just hurts, so I'm sitting, AKA!

JAKE: ...If you're this sick, if you're this unhealthy, why don't you just do the decent thing, and allow yourself to die?

AMIR: ...Jesus!

JAKE: That was real.

AMIR: That's, like, a lot of times you ask me to die.

JAKE: I know, and I mean it every time.

AMIR: [laughing uncomfortably] It's so... sad.

JAKE: Trust me, I know.

AMIR: It's sad to me that you want me dead.

JAKE: I feel bad as a person that I want so badly for you to be dead and gone, but I--

AMIR: Yeah. You're not even hiding it anymore.

JAKE: No, I think I'm just gonna be open with it.

AMIR: I need to... I need to lay down.

[Amir lays down on the floor.]

JAKE: Thirty seconds ago, you were boasting about your standing desk, and now you're on the floor.

AMIR: [still eating his nachos] It doesn't matter if I'm sitting or lying, okay? As long as my work gets handed in.

JAKE: What work are you handing in? You're just shoveling nachos into your face, lying down on the ground, and-- oh my God, you're asleep.

[Amir has fallen asleep on the floor.]

JAKE: How is that possible? You were just yelling. Now you're asleep.

[Amir begins choking on his mouthful of nachos. Jake runs over to help him, and then reconsiders. He watches Amir struggle for air in his sleep, until Amir eventually lies still on the ground.]

JAKE: [looking upward, and whispering] Thank you...

[Amir suddenly coughs up his nachos all over Jake.]

AMIR: I'm alive!

JAKE: Ass.

AMIR: [laughing in relief] And it's all thanks to that standing desk.

[Jake scowls at Amir.]

AMIR: What?



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hi, you and the NSA are watching Jake and Amir!

JAKE: Paranoid.

AMIR: Hi, Obama!

JAKE: Delusions of grandeur.



[Jake is at his desk. Amir is looking at him and slapping his fingers lazily against his other palm in a feeble attempt at clapping.]

AMIR: Hmm! Congrats, grad!

JAKE: Bad clap.

AMIR: You're getting the new iPhone! Amazing!

JAKE: It's 12:14, you just got here thirty seconds ago, and you're already ready to interrupt the day.

AMIR: [doing some sort of variant on air quotes with his hands] By the way, there's no such thing as a "free upgrade".

JAKE: Yo have the worst hands I've ever seen on a man.

AMIR: [gesturing with his fingers curled like claws] Because you're paying for your shit--

JAKE: Keep them under the desk.

AMIR: [with his hands under the desk] --with your privacy!

JAKE: Don't take a stance anymore. On anything.

AMIR: You know Steve Jobs spies on you, right? That every little camera on that phone is a peephole for Jobs to peep your peep while you sleep?

JAKE: Steve Jobs is dead.

AMIR: Good.

JAKE: Ass.

AMIR: You know the iPhone 6 actually has a bigger screen. [making a circle with his thumb and finger, looking through] All the better to spee you with, my dear!

JAKE: "Spee"?

AMIR: Spee and sy!

JAKE: "Spee and sy"?

AMIR: Spee and spy!

JAKE: "Spee and spy".

AMIR: See and sy!

JAKE: Still, you're using the word "spee", so what are you mixing it with?

AMIR: Spee and sy-- see and spy!

JAKE: "See and spy".

AMIR: As in, be inspired... fuckward!

JAKE: ...What?

AMIR: Let me shatter your perfect world for a second. Every time you had phone sex on that phone of yours, it was actually an orgy. A group orgy. Yeah, there's not just corporate spies on the line, man! There's legit frickin' government agendas reading your sex and getting off to every adjective! "What are you wearing?" I'll tell you what it is! It's the new Apple iCloak! [slowly getting more high-pitched] But it's not invisibility, it's actually visibility! AKA, the visible ability... for Apple Geniuses... to get off! Jerk off! Nut to you! [laughing]

JAKE: Shut up! What's funny? Why do you believe this, and why would you be amused?

[Amir holds up his iPhone, which has a card taped to it.]

AMIR: Smile! [takes a picture] You're on Dipshit Camera! I just got a picture of the biggest dumbass I know.

JAKE: Was it a selfie?

AMIR: Fuck off. What's that supposed to mean, "was it a selfie"?

JAKE: It's a joke. Come on.

AMIR: [doing an accent] When we designed the new iPhone, we had one facet that had to be absolutely necessary, and that was the fact that we wanted to jerk off!

JAKE: Your dick's actually out!

AMIR: So we put a camera here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, everywhere! [laughing]

JAKE: There are just two cameras. Alright? Stop adding your own cameras. By the way, you have an iPhone. You're holding it right now.

AMIR: Mine's jailbroken, you fucking idiot! It's running Linux, Java!

JAKE: Is your social security card taped to the back of it?

AMIR: Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm! You know why? So that I don't lose it, dipshit!

JAKE: You're a dipshit. I never even said I wanted the new iPhone.

AMIR: Good. 'Cause every front-facing camera, of which there are probably a baker's dozen--

JAKE: There aren't.

AMIR: --is a glory hole for Jobs, Woz, and Spielberg to fuck you with.

JAKE: You think Steve Spielberg wants to fuck you through the front-facing camera of your iPhone?

AMIR: I didn't say it.

JAKE: You're paranoid-- you did say it. You're delusional.

AMIR: I'm serious.

JAKE: I know you're serious. You're also horny or something, 'cause you keep on talking about masturbating.

AMIR: You don't get it! You got your iMac, your iCloud, your iPad, your iPod... it's all I I I! Ay-ay-ay! It should be you! [making a U-shape with his hand] It should be you, you, you!

JAKE: You are ugly.

AMIR: Ouch.

[Amir begins crying, but immediately stops and squeals when he sees a mailman approaching with a package for him.]

AMIR: [laughing] It's here, it's here!

[Amir opens the box.]

JAKE: Is that an iPhone?

AMIR: [yelling] Yeah, but I'm gonna hack it!



END

INTRO

AMIR: Hey there, you're watchin' a ramblin' episode of Jake and Amir!

JAKE: No.

AMIR: And it goes a little something like-- [guitar strum]



[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is playing a guitar.]

AMIR: So when I take my hand and go with you, be sure to leave me high, to do... goodbye, my love, goodbye, my-- prrd. To each her own, to each her... I love you...! [stops singing] ...Stupid.

JAKE: So stupid.

AMIR: It's crazy.

JAKE: That you did that at work?

AMIR: [balancing the guitar on the desk] Guitar's like... part of my body at this point.

[Amir lets go of the guitar, and it falls hard to the floor. Jake cringes.]

JAKE: Did that hurt?

AMIR: That's actually a polished final. On vinyl, actually, but if you have a note or a feedback, I'd love to hear it.

JAKE: If I had a single feedback? Not to write music. Don't write music.

AMIR: Joke's on you, 'cause music's not about a single note. It's about a harmony. [laughs] Not surprised you didn't know that, though, 'cause you don't know shit about folk, or folk about shit!

JAKE: You have a job here. I don't know why, but you do, so why don't you focus on being good at that. For instance, you didn't even bring a computer charger today. I guess you just figured two hours of work and then you'd be done. And if you don't want to get good at your job, which is... I guess bad, but, fine-- focus on things that would make you a better human being, like hygiene. Brush your teeth. Wipe your ass.

AMIR: That's funny, I don't remember that part of the song! How about giving me notes about melody, about tune, about how it sounded?

JAKE: Okay. So you're not listening to me.

AMIR: I am. I'll do that. I'll do the stuff about the brushing.

JAKE: Do what?

AMIR: Brush my hair!

JAKE: What's something that you don't brush? Not your hair. What's something else that you don't brush?

AMIR: I don't brush my hair, ya fuckin' idiot! [laughs]

JAKE: ...Teeth!

AMIR: I know!

JAKE: You don't know!

AMIR: I know!

[Jake doesn't respond.]

AMIR: [slurring his phrase into a single syllable] Iknow! ...I just want to do shit that makes me smile of you!

JAKE: What?

AMIR: Yeah!

JAKE: No!

AMIR: I knew this would happen. I knew as soon as I went off and did something cute and subjective, you would turn it into this, this, this, this, this, this nuclear bomb of me!

JAKE: You know what? Talk normal. Okay? "Nuclear bomb of me"? "Smile of you"? You're digressing! You used to be able to speak English.

[Amir is raising his arms defensively.]

JAKE: Put your arms down! What are you doing?

AMIR: Your attitude almost makes me not want to write a song and perform it for you at work... yeah!

JAKE: Good. That... that is the first time I've ever seen you come close to making a right decision.

AMIR: Excuse...?

JAKE: That inkling that you have--

AMIR: You're a dickling!

JAKE: I said "inkling", but you are the dickling. Okay?

AMIR: You're a dickling!

JAKE: The inkling that you have, to not do something because you know I'll think it's dumb? That's the first step into, I guess, adolescence. You finally have the social intelligence of an eleven-year-old.

AMIR: Well if you like that song, then you truly are the apple of my pie.

[Amir pulls out an apple pie, and pies himself in the face with it. It slides off gradually, and Amir looks disappointed in himself.]

AMIR: [to himself] Why'd you do that, ya idiot? ...You turn every positive into a weird thing of you. Just take the compliment, Hurwitz! You are an anal assassin of the highest calendar. He finally was on your side. He liked the song.

JAKE: I never said I liked the song.

AMIR: You said I had the social intelligence of an eleven-year-old!

JAKE: ...What word in that sentence says "song"?

AMIR: AKA!

JAKE: I have to work from home.

AMIR: Of course! And you can't give me a ride home because--

JAKE: I dislike being with you.

AMIR: --my guitar won't fit. Exactly right.

[Jake gets up to leave. Amir sighs and eats bits of apple pie from the pan.]

AMIR: [singing] So pie-pie, Miss American Bye!



END