No Intro

Amir: Ever had a shit day? I've had a shit life.

Jake: What's the matter man. You're not happy to be thirty? You having a bad birthday?

Amir: Bad birthday, nah. Bad you!

Jake: Jesus Christ.

Amir: I've been alive for almost a decade now-

Jake: Wrong.

Amir: And I have nothing to show for it, save for a few successful business ventures and a lovely wife!

Jake: You don't have those things.

Amir: Kick me while I'm down why don't you?

Jake: Well why all this sadness? Why now?

Amir: I just got a letter from myself. Sent to me when I was 12 years old as part of a sixth grade class project where every student was supposed to send a letter to your future self. Turns out, every single student sent a letter to me. Yeah, 28 different letters that all start out with the same sentence: I hope you're not alive to read this. How do you think that makes me feel?

Jake: I don't know, bad.

Amir: Wrong! ...Like shit!

Jake: So I wasn't wrong.

Amir: Oh, this one's a gem, alright, you're gonna love this one.

Jake: What would I love about this?

Amir (Reading from the letter): Dear Amir, I hope you're not alive to read this. So, you have a black heart and no brain. You're ruthless mean and dumb. P.S. Do the Bills ever win the superbowl? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jake: Yeah, that's pretty mean for a 12 year old.

Amir: That one's from the teacher!

Jake: Ms. Nesbit?

Amir: MS. Nesbit actually, she would have been pissed at you.

Jake: I said Ms. Nesbit.

Amir: You want one from a mean tween though? Meaner than you've ever seen? Well I got one for you, Mr. Bean.

Jake: Just read the letter.

Amir (Reading): Dear Amir, I hope you're not alive to read this. Every day my dad gives me poison to sneak into your thermos of soup. All I want for my birthday is the courage to finally kill you. He said you're dad is an evil man and he's raising you to be the spawn of Satan. Love, Penis Anthony Doubineux. P.S. Go Bills. Can you believe I knew a kid with the last name Doubineux?

Jake: Yeah, I know him.

Amir: How do you know Doobs?

Jake: I've met him. Several times.

Amir: Letter the third from my best friend Kyle. Dear Amir, DIE, Go Bills, Love Kyle.

Jake: You're adding love to the end of it.

Amir: No.

Jake: Did you grow up in Buffalo?

Amir: Niagara Falls actually. My mom is a French-Canadian queen and my dad is an Army rat.

Jake: What?

Amir: Mainly a rat coward who went AWOL during his time at Vietnam. Faked his own death now twice but thrice during the span of 18 months and gave away the names and locations of over 1000 of his comrades.

Jake: God, what a traitor!

Amir: Yeah! For the he received the black heart. Congressional medal of dishonor.

Jake: I feel like every time we have a conversation I just, I get so sad for you.

Amir: Worry not. I still have my successful business ventures and a lovely wife HOLY SHIT is that NFL hall of fame quarterback and former Buffalo Bills superstar Jim Kelly?

Jake: There's no one behind me.

Amir: Mr. Kelly, sign my ball, please!

[Amir throws the football, hitting Rosie in the head]

Rosie: Ahh!

Guy: He's dead.